Posted by: Adolescent or young Adult? | 2007/04/17

I'm not a little girl anymore Mom.....


I really need some advice please! I am 19 almost 20, have a managerial position at a big corporate company,a car, credit cards, a boyfriend and all in all a life of my own. So why is it that my mother feels the need to flex her authorative muscle and deny me things I want? I cant move out, i cant stay over at my boyfriends place more that twice a week and I have to come home at 10:30 like its still a school night. My dad died 11 years ago but my mom has chosen to stay single and well, miserable. But truth be told I have no clue how to step up and step out without pissing her off& being bitchy towards me. How do you tell someone so hostile that your leaving without burning a bridge? Or should I just stick it out till Im 20 or 21 when she will allow me? Please help Im going insane!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why can't you move out ? It sounds as though you could afford it financially, and your mother has no legal right to control you in any way. You don't need to enable her to make her own misery contagious. Move out --- and piss her off, if that's what happens --- it is not your duty to make her happy or satisfied throughout her life, at a cost to your own happiness. If she's all that hostile, make all your arrangements, and get friends to help you with the physical aspects of the move ( like taking your things with you ) . And if she continues to interfere, get a court order forbidding her frm harassing you further.
Useful and thoughtful responses all round. If she is so intent, though, on dictating to you at 19, how do we know she will relent at 21 and allow you freedom then ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Adolescent or young Adult? | 2007/04/18

Wow, some replies have really opened my eyes. I guess my mom is making my life hell only to benefit me later... I realise Im not that old but also not that young. Thats my plight-my age. Thanks to Mommies Girl and Not So Bad, I think you guys have a very valid point. My mom never gets out (not that she enjoys going out) but it is a great idea.I do love my mom and could never hurt her especially after all her pain and effort in bringing me up alone.But I still believe you make your own bed, and she has pushed everyone away, even my grandparents& uncle dont enjoy her company!

Thanks everyone and cs, I appreciate your advice!

Reply to Adolescent or young Adult?
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/18

Ja no, CS hectic reply hey! Court order?? Sho!! Really hectic! I couldnt help but giggle a bit! Sounds like you're more mad at her mom than she actually is!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: jacky | 2007/04/18

yoh yoh yoh cs, really some of your advice really scares me........yoh i cannot believe you really suggested she should piss her mother of..

Reply to jacky
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/18

i agree with maria..
if you decide to move out you must not move in with him.

it's great having all the material benefits you are enjoying at such a young age, but with this should come independence (seems like you want it desperately) and that also means having your own place.

you are not a teenager anymore, yes, but you are still very young and i will not recommend living with a boyfriend now. youve got so much ahead of you and you never know what's gonna happen with your relationships, having your own place will maybe make your financial freedom tight, but it's part of being an adult and having independence.

just do not make the mistake of ruining a relationship with your mother. she's your children's grandmother whom youll need when you get tired or just want a night out with your husband/friends. she will be at your wedding, perhaps giving you away.etc...she might be suffering from depression after your dad's passing, and cnt help maybe feeling like she doesnt want to loose you too.

you have the right to move out, but you dont have the right to make your mother feel unappreciated and hurt.
try not to do this by maybe writing her a letter and explain everythig to her in the most lovable nicest way. thank her for everything she's done for you and assure her that you will be visiting often. and as mommies girl says..take her shopping etc every now and again.

good luck!

Reply to rose
Posted by: Maria | 2007/04/18

When you move out I would suggest living on your own rather than with your boyfriend. You need to prove to yourself and your mom that you can run your personal life as efficiently as you seem to run your career. The last thing you need is to break up with the boyfriend you're living with and then having to move back to mom.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: No so Bad | 2007/04/18

Its really not so bad, i moved out the house when i was in matric, its a long time ago, i just feel that i wont be able to live with my parents again after leaving them for so long, but when i lived with my mom, she was like a friend and she still is, i just wish i could go back to her, Its like im thrown into this dark pitt hole, i sometimes just want to move out of boyfriends house, still live with his parents, anyway, his mom is like my mom too, so when i wanted to move out the one time she just cried. Its like im trapped to go anywhere. Just stay with your mom girl, you will always feel welcomed and warm there. LOVE YOUR MOM, Because if she didnt care that much then you would've been out already. im not saying my mom didnt care, i just didnt have a choice. So be thankful.

Reply to No so Bad
Posted by: mommies girl | 2007/04/18

I'm 27 and still living wid my mom, its not as bad as it seems, and yes, she's just as bad sometimes. Even tho i have a little family of my own she still thinks she has to make the decisions for me. But, you'll be amazed how helpful they are if u learn to tolerate them and just listen now and again.
Try taking her out shopping, to the movies to visit friends, even for a facial and make her feel as if you need her, thats wat she really wants, to feel needed.
Sit down and have a friendly general conversation with her and most importantly tell her that you love her.
U really are going to need her later in your life and its not worth it.
AIDS is a very real threat. And yes you have more disposable income IF you dont have so many bills so enjoy !!!!

Reply to mommies girl
Posted by: jacky | 2007/04/18

in your mothers eyes you will always be a little girl.........

Reply to jacky
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/18

If you stay under her roof you abide by her rules. If you dont want that, get your own place.

Just remember if you stay with her you probably don't have to cook and clean and you can buy waht you want without having to worry about things like rent and food.

Reply to RMC
Posted by: joe | 2007/04/18

it aint you, it is her but with all that is going for you just stick this out till you are 21, for her sake , just so she agrees and if not she will understand, believe it or not she is just trying to be the best mother..over protective and all that..even by being hostile sometimes, try to understand her mind, she does sound a bit old fashion but believe me she aint the only one.

moving out without her blessing is not a solution either that is why i would say when you are 21 atleast she will understand, and remember no matter how educated, intelligent you are you will need her advise every now and then, even if it is jsut to help you make out your mind but leaving now will break any chances of a better relations with her in the future,

the staying over yourboyfriend part, my dear life is messed up, that one most mothers still freak out because of many reason's AIDS, boyfriends killing girlfriends, try to understand she is just being a mother

and by the way you are not that old...believe it or not

Reply to joe
Posted by: Some guy | 2007/04/18

Well, considering you are legally an adult, your mom cannot lawfully stop you moving out. So if she won't let you go now, who's to say she will when you're 21. You carry on about the managerial job, the credit cards (???) and boyfriend like they mean anything... If you feel you are ADULT enough to move out and that the pro's outweigh the cons, then make the decision!

Reply to Some guy

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