Posted by: Bels | 2008/09/11

I' m having a lesbian affair

Hi I' m really desperate for your advice. I have been with the same man for 20 years during which time I have been badly treated at the best of times. I have tried to leave before but I always end up going back. I have 16 year old daughter. I have a very dear female friend who I have developed a deep love for. She was my constant support over a period of time when my daughter suffered a life threatening illness (for which I was blamed). I don' t know what I would have done without her. Perhaps I should make mention of my man' s numerous affairs and insults regarding my body and dress. His name calling and constant criticism and addiction to porn. I recently kissed my female friend and was shocked at my own bodies response to the sensation. I have never been kissed so gently / so lovingly. 3 weeks after that we made love for the first time. An amazing bonding experience that left me feeling so alive, so loved, so beautiful. I can see myself living the rest of my life with this beautiful gentle soul, but I cannot see that this man in my life will set me free without a fight. I' m terrified that he will find out and what will happen if he does. He has a highly volatile temper and often screams at me loud enough for the neighbours to hear. When he does this his face is distorted and the spit flies and I just hate him. He breaks things around the house and is jealous and possessive of me. If I' m home late I' m questioned and accused of sleeping around. I' m not allowed to visit my friends or my family. He does exactly what he wants to when he wants to. I' m so very tired. If it was not for my daughter I would have given up on life a long time ago as I could see no better life for me. Please can you tell me if my love for a woman is as a result of all this? My sexual encounter with her has just opened the floodgates inside me and I do not want a man to ever touch me again. Do woman really choose to be gay?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It sounds as if you have fallen for a person who is kind, loving and gentle, and she happens to be a woman. So I'm not sure it's as simple as 'choosing'. If you had feelings / suspicions about sexual interest in women in the past, then possibly you 'chose' to suppress those...However, it may just be that YOU fell in love with the person, regardless of their sex.

In difficult situations like that which you have described it is very difficult to resist what must feel like an oasis of calm and pleasure. However, I would recommend that given your experience now, you make some serious decisions about your relationship before continuing with this affair. Whether it is with a man or a woman, an affair distorts your sense of reality and balance, and you need to do some serious thinking. Relationships which start as affairs can work, but many have great difficulties because the relationship is conceived when you are in such a difficult emotional space, and she is being the rescuer. This dynamic may shift if you leave for her, and the relationship may not be what you expected it to be.

In summary, I would recommend that you prioritise trying to sort out your marital situation first. Either take a strong stand for things to change (and see whether that works) or end it. If you end it, then take some time to settle down and rediscover yourself which is likley to have been lost a little, and then see if this relationship could work.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Louise | 2008/09/12

Bels, a happy home is not two parents who fight the whole time ... I grew up with my folks fighting non stop and the tension in the house was unbearable. Rather pack up and leave! What does your child think of the way your husband speaksk to you?

Reply to Louise
Posted by: Lady man | 2008/09/12


Been there

I do not think my comment is unfair because in situations like this and I stand by what I said is that you only hear the one side of the story. Woman always claim to be the innocent party, so they say.
I agree that it is not the way to treat another person, but it goes for both sexes.
I say treat another person the way you want them to treat

Reply to Lady man
Posted by: Little_Devil | 2008/09/12

Bels I really do sympathizes with you. My sister is gay and has not had one healthy, stable relationship in her whole adult life. She also fell in love with a dear friend of hers who was in an abusive marriage. They ran away in fear of what her husband would do if he found them and eventually it all ended badly for all of them. The children from that situation suffered the most and even now, 8 odd years since this happened, they all are still scarred from this experience.

Another friend of mine has been divorced for 10 years now. Her 16 year old daughter tried to commit suicide last week and she told me she would rather have stayed in her unhappy marriage for the sake of her child.

I am not saying this is the case with every bad marriage and that you should stay with your husband for the sake of your daughter, but you should thing very carefully before you make any life changing decision that you cannot redo later on. If you do decide to end the marriage, then do it for your own and your daughters well being and not because of a third party who might very well be complicating things, even with the very best of intentions.

Thats my unbiased opinion and I truly hope things work out for all of you concerned.

Reply to Little_Devil
Posted by: Been there | 2008/09/11

Lady Man I do think your comment is rather unfair, Nobody deserves to be treated in this manner no matter what. I am married to a man who treats me in the same manner and believe me its really hard to walk away when you have children and no family to turn to.

I quess Bels is just enjoying the kind words and everything else that goes with it. We all need some kindness and consideration in our lives

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Lady man | 2008/09/11

We always hear the one side of the story. What did you do to contribute to your situations as you have mentioned.

Reply to Lady man

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