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Posted by: IP / Pulse. | 2007/06/13

I'm going to vent now.

Hi guys. Well, you said I could vent here if I want? Please then hear me out.

I am so sad now-a-days. It seems my loving hubby ain't so loving anymore. We haven't had sex in almost a year now, and in the eves when he gets home, he'd rather sit in front of the computer burning cd's and dvd's and watch pictures of naked, lean young men. I'm serious. No bs. It's been going on for some weeks now. The burning, not the good looking naked men. This he had been doing since we just got married, and I know that he is bi.

Thing is guys, I miss him. I love him more than life and proved this at several ocasions attemting suicide so that he can be happy living the life he wants and not feeling guilty because he has a wife.

How much can one love before it gets rediculous? What does it mean when one says you will do anything for the one you love? Does that include feeling that you have to remove yourself from this earth just so they can be happy with who they really and truly are?

I am bipolar, and have a strange decease that's taking the life from my legs. I feel more and more depressed and I'm thinking of leaving my pills so that that crazy me can return. The one that bowled him over. Sometimes 3 times a day! I long for those days. Lately, I just long for . . . food. And sleep. And dope, although I made a promise to him. He hates the stuff.

What must I do to make this man happy and to love me again? He's really a sweetie, in all sences, but to me, as a wife, that's not cutting it. In fact, I once again feel this overwhelming need to let him live his life while I move on. To hell or wherever souls like mine goes. I would miss my child (if that's possible after . . . wards) but even he might be better off.

Oh God. What a shitty place to be.

(PS: If any of you like Stephen King, DON'T READ CELL! It has the most dissapointing end in the history of novels!)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hello again Pulse, thanks for this post and oh dear your life certainly sounds quite complicated at the moment.

OK so the hubbie is bi and you've been doing the suicide-thing "...so that he can be happy?" Speaking frankly, this sounds like total crap - you're playing the "poor me", ultra-pathetic victim role. Maybe because you're petrified of feeling rejected or abandoned.

You have a bipolar disorder. Which may sound worse than it is and I doubt you can attribute all your hassles to this. You're feeling depressed and would rather be feeling manic, or euphoric... which is probably understandable. I'd also rather be on a high than be depressed but let's be realistic - surely you'd rather just be the real you? The sadness in your post stems from the fact that you seem to think that your boyfriend is worth hanging on to at all costs. You're prepared to stop taking your meds for him.....? I'm in favour of using technology to meet our needs - you're using a computer and the Internet right now - and medication is merely another form of technology. Make it work for you.

Take stock of what's really in your interests and what's best for your CHILD.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Pulse. | 2007/06/17

Thanks Expert. For shooting me down, and bringing me back to earth. Depression can make you feel and experience things that can be rather different than reality, that's true. So, I will not go off the meds, I need it. You saying I'm lying about the attempted suicides? Would you like the hospital's number so you can confirm? Last time I took some pills, alcohol and anti-freeze which landed me in ICU for four days. Not bragging (who would?), but saying that I DO LOVE HIM (my husband, not my boyfriend) enough to do that. He's also struggling with his own preoblems and demons, and I feel that he's worth more than me, and should be the one remaining. I had a crap life up till the day that I met him, and as I say, I'd rather let it work between us because he is a saint in many ways. If that makes me pathetic, then so be it.

Reply to Pulse.
Posted by: Pulse. | 2007/06/15

Steve, thanks for the thoughtfull (and shocking) post. I have read it a few times and know what you say is true. I'm just going to let it totally sink in before I even attempt to think about it. It's heavy. Very heavy. And although I'm positive that what you're sugesting would leave me a happier person, I can't even begin to imagine a life without (or apart from) my husband. He is the best thing to ever, EVER, happen to me. I love him and I KNOW he loves me. I really do think it's true. If I sink any lower than present, I will not be able to get back up. And leaving him will be 20 times worse. I know (I think I know) that I can make him happy. I could at one stage. Very much too. Maybe the fault is with me! It MUST be! He's still the same! He's never mean, we never fight. But I sometimes turn into a real cow. I feel bad, yet I never say sorry. He knows everything about me, but I just know the basics about him. He's not really keen on talking about himself at all. Anyway, I can't leave him. I never will. In a body bag yes, or if he forcefully kicks my ass out. Otherwise, I'd rather be miserable than without him. I'm serious, WE CAN WORK!

Reply to Pulse.
Posted by: Steve | 2007/06/14

Pulse... I am the same person your husband is at the moment... I cannot say what he thinks or feels, but I do believe that I have a good grasp on things...

I believe myself to be bi by circumstance, not by choice. I told my wife that I can not ever really love her the way she deserves, but I will not end our marriage (yet) because of the respect Ihave for her, and the love I have for our unborn child... But yes, I intend to end it, as she is neglecting herself and her happiness because she believes that this is it. I only wish that she will open her eyes, and realise that I am not the be all and end all in this world, and that she still has a shot on happiness...

And this is what I want to say to you, you have a shot at happiness, maybe not with your husband. My advice would be to leave him, take control of your life, and go out and find the things that will make you happy. It is a huge step to take and not an easy one, but if you want to remain sane that would be the best option. You'll find a way to make things work out for you...

Suicide is never the answer. You have a beautiful little boy, and he needs his mom, and you need him, you know that he is a big part of your life! Don't throw him away, he also deserves to be brought up in a happy home, even if it means 2 of them...

I know your heart ache, I know your frustration, but it is time you take control, remember, you decide your fate.

Reply to Steve
Posted by: Joe | 2007/06/14

You have to reach out. I am also so in love with my boyfriend and the thought of loosing him will break me as well. But where a door closes others open up even if you dont even realise it. If he waits for you to commit suicide then he doesnt love you and you should not even remotely give him the satisfaction of trying to commit suicide. Help yourself and your boy and show him you are better than him

Reply to Joe
Posted by: Pulse. | 2007/06/14

Hi Neil. I saw that yes. It shocked me to see how much he cared about his readers. I have found so much on this site, I'm baffled by how generous and kind you all are. I never expected this. But I can not call him. Not by choice, but by circumstance. Sigh.

Reply to Pulse.
Posted by: Neil | 2007/06/13

Pulse, did you see the expert responded to your previous message?

Reply to Neil
Posted by: Pulse. | 2007/06/13

He's all I ever had Joe. Him and my boy. I can't live feeling like this. The pain is too much. I need him, and the fact that he doesn't need me just brings pain to every fibre of my being. I'm a financial strain on him. I'm sometimes a less than perfect mother. And I feel like perhaps he's waiting for me to jump. I think the thought makes him shiver with absolute joy and anticipation. And I feel lost, because I feel all these things. They may not be true, but for me, they're as real as the screen I now gaze into.

Reply to Pulse.
Posted by: Joe | 2007/06/13

I feel for you, however no one can make you feel happy inside or at least content but yourself. Dont ask me how to do it but for me talking to someone or gymming these hate out of myself work for a little bit.

Think of your child, dont try to make everyone happy. If he is going to look at men what is stopping him of trying the scene out, Focus on yourself getting to a place where you feel you can get through the day only then start attempting rebusilding your relationship with him. If it doesnt work out let it be, you have your child to think about and to find yourself again.

At best relationshiips is not worth giving more than you receive, rather work on you - the hell with everything and everyone.

Reply to Joe

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