Posted by: P | 2008/07/20

I wish I was dead

I met my boyfriend on the internet 4 years ago. I' m 23 and he is 37, but still we fell in love. A few months ago we met for the first time. We had a fantastic weekend and I lost my virginity with him. I am shy and losing my virginity means a lot, so I never thought I would, but he made me feel loved and then I felt comfortable to.
This sounds great, but not everything is perfect. One of the nights on that weekend he wasn' t around, he said he had to work. I thought he had a wife and asked him, but he denied. Now I found out he has bought a pink bikini for a 3-year-old or 4-year-old... in any case a small bikini. I remember one day a few years ago he was busy taking care of a 2-year-old. He said it was the daughter of his brother' s new girlfriend, but I guess it' s his daughter. The strange thing is I didn' t believe he was taking care of a girl and he called me so that I could hear the baby, and she kept calling him " mommy" , which is strange because if he is her dad, she would call him daddy.
After we met in person, I decided to immigrate to his country and find a job. I told him about my decision and he said:
" I support your decision, which ever it may be. Please remember that in life there are no guarantees, and what I mean is that I wouldn' t want to bring you here and you have a job that was not good, or if for some reason we ended up not together, I would feel very sad if I had misled you in any way and had caused you to make a bad decision in life.(...) I know we would be able to see each other if you were here but I need you to know that it would depend on my work as to how often we could." 

but a few days later he wrote me an e-mail and said:
" I Love You P, and that you can believe is forever. I wish you were online now, so I could see you. Please come to ... and be with me, get to know me, and maybe you can share my name one day" 

I' ve signed a job contract and I' ve bought the airline ticket already. But I feel so insecure. I don' t want to see him at the airport when I arrive and kiss him and feel guilty because I' m not sure if he has someone. What should I do? What if he has a family? I am supposed to spend the next 2 years in his country. I know I won' t survive. I tend to get depressed.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

When will people ever learn that the internet may be entertaining, but it is NOT a way to genuinely get to know someone else, and not well enough to base a relationship on the web contacts and a brief realtime contact ? Its an enormous and risky step to emigrate to another country, give up the job you have, anbd trust that everything will work out ( I know, I've done it in the past ). None of us can have any idea of what you will find in that other country --- by 37, he's pretty likely to have another family and wife or gf ; or everything might be OK. Its impossible to know. At least if this is a 2-year contract, you have a job for 2 years, and can then come back home.
What do other readers think ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: No No!! | 2008/07/21

So u resign at ur work and moving to his country!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow i must say u taking this way to extream...U know what the guy is right, ur moving to his country does not gaurantee that the relationship will work, so r u ready for that? or u just going there thinking everything will be smooth..

Chances r the guy has a life, a wife or a girlfriend...I mean he is 37years u know...Real rethink ur decision...Good luck..

Reply to No No!!
Posted by: Trany | 2008/07/21

I dont know why you wish you were dead because its not like you have caught him out ........ yet. You are in a bit of a dilemma but to wish you were dead is a bit extreme. I agree with CS in that the internet is definitely not a place one should meet people. I would not go that route. You never really know people and it would have been a better idea to get to know this chap first before making any decisions.

Reply to Trany
Posted by: Tarryn | 2008/07/20

P, you need to create a lot more emotional distance between you and this guy so you can give the situation time to become more clear. I would say you need to get immersed in activities with friends and things that are all about YOU and what you love. It' s dangerous to feel so trapped by love.

I also had doubts and regrets about the person I lost my virginity to. It' s something you can never get back, yes. But if you waste years of your life with someone who' s keeping secrets, that' s even worse. You can never get those years back. Life is not a dress rehearsal, you only have this chance. Take care of yourself and forgive yourself for making a mistake. In the bigger picture, it' s no big deal.

Reply to Tarryn
Posted by: P | 2008/07/20

And if I lost my virginity and find out he has a family? Do you think he would really be able to do this to me? He knows how much it meant to me to be with him. I didn' t even want anyone to kiss me before because I believe love is for life and you should wait for the right one.

Reply to P

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