Posted by: confused | 2009/09/18

I want more sex than my boyfriend - why?

I am very confused - I always thought that men are the one' s with a higher sex drive, but I find myself having to really try VERY hard to get my boyfriend to have sex with me. We are very much inlve and extremely happy as a couple, and I am by no means overweight, and haven' t let myself go either. He always tells me how gorgeous / sexy etc I am, yet I am the one that always initiates sex.

Is there something wrong with me, or us? Or has he lost his interest in me, which I don' t really believe at all. Maybe he just doesn' t enjoy having sex with me...I feel very down about this, and its affecting my self confidence quite substantially. ANd when we do have sex, once a week, it goes directly to penetration and its over rather quickly too.

We have our moments when we use toys, and get a bit kinky, but again, only once or twice a week, as opposed to 3 times a day beforehand. :) Now I don' t expect that to be the norm. I have mentioned it to him, but then he will just say sorry, he is tired / or had too much to drink etc.

It' s awful feeling so rejected!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

you are entitled to feel confused but no need to feel rejected! sex is embodied and in this sense it comes with physiological problems, emotional problems and context (work, family, stress ect)

secondly, sex drive is unique to the individual and there is no norm. the only time it becomes a problem is when there is a discrepency in desire - as it is in your case.

i would like to suggest that you communicate your desire for more sex with your partner but sex that is based an outer / oral sex. thus, even if he is not in the mood, he can still assist you through masturbation or the use of a vibrator. this may have the added advantage of arousing him to the idea of penetrative sex or give him enough confidence to have oral / outer sex as well (the pressure will be off him to perform).

if this does not work, he may need to visit a doctor to assess whether his low sex drive is due to stress, erectile dysfunction, low testosterone or psychological.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: BHASKAR SINHA | 2009/10/12


Posted by: Shame | 2009/10/03

You shouldnt blame yourself for all the bad sex. It must be his fault. If men dot not take care of themselves physically, like drinking too much, and not eating healthy they end up with a serious sex problem.

Its possible that he cant get it up long enough to satisfy you. Its also possible that he is drinking as he is frustrated as well. But you will have to be strong and patient as men do not usually discuss such issues with their partners. They prefer to dodge or come up with another excuse so you wouldnt even raise the issue.

So instead of you initiating rather use your toys and stop putting pressure on him. In time he will admit his problems and ask for your assistance.

He is as surprised as you are that such a thing is happening to him.

Reply to Shame
Posted by: Julius | 2009/09/28

Maybe your boobs are too small?

Reply to Julius
Posted by: Julius | 2009/09/28

Maybe your boobs are too small?

Reply to Julius
Posted by: Shaan | 2009/09/23

i also feel the same. I dont like to tolerate any excuses any more, if i want something then i get it from my man - always end up being a wonder. He actually likes it when i make the initiative, whereas i love for him to make the 1st move. U need to talk to him and let him know exactly what u feeling, cos believe me if u gona feel neglected &  he keeps on using work or alcohol as constant excuses, then theres something else to it. I have the healthiest sex life (like everyday) &  still look good &  my man still cheated on me, so we cant have it in our minds that cos we look good then they wont stray.... He came up with feeble exuses for the affair. lets just say .... sum men/women r just greeeeeeedy!!!!!!! hope it works out for u gal. In all my saga has made me look at things differently.

Reply to Shaan
Posted by: izzy | 2009/09/22

Married for 10 years and have a healthy sex life, at least three times a week. However, although my wife always enjoys sex, she hardly ever initiates it. Sometimes i wish that she' d be the one to get things started

Reply to izzy
Posted by: tmonty | 2009/09/22

a woman who pushes too much for sex can be a bit intimidating in that expectations seen to be high from the woman' s side and it becomes psycological in a man in that he wonders if he will live up to those expectations, that on its own can add to the already stressful environment.

Reply to tmonty
Posted by: Bev. | 2009/09/21

Just get 1 thing straight, it' s not your body. I' m about 15 kg overweight + don' t always feel good about my body but my husband cant get enough of me. We would do it every night if he could have it like that. No, something else is wrong with him. Let him have a full medical check up + then go see a sex coulcillor / therapist. Good luck

Reply to Bev.
Posted by: s | 2009/09/18

Obviosly you havge never had a stable relationship guy - for most guys i know yes we love sex but we do have reservations. WOMAN the truth is you doing the chasing is not so fun - that is just the point.

Relax and let sex be a problem until it starts to affect him too and you will then talk about it- you probably need a pattern of some sort to get you both to focus on important issues.

Reply to s
Posted by: Anon Guy | 2009/09/18

Hey Confused its sad to hear what you going through. I dont understand how guys can do this to their women. I think the excuse of i am too tired or had to much to drink is a lame excuse.
Why is it that you end up with the wrong other half???

Reply to Anon Guy
Posted by: ek | 2009/09/18

I know how you feel hubby is the same, thou not from too much drinking, he says it is just not something he thinks about. So we have maybe once every 2 weeks sometimes even longer, and then sometimes twice a week it varies, he has a very stressful position and maybe that has something to do with it, I don' t know but when it has been longer than 2 weeks then yes I too feel hurt and worried, but he says i shouldn' t.

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