Posted by: Heart | 2008/10/17

I think my husband is having an affair

We have been through some rough stages in our marriage - threatened divorse from both sides etc. It seems we are in trouble of a diff kind this time.

He has always been the type of guy to hang at the pub and drinks alot. I always secretly said that at least I know that he has an affair with a bottle, however lately it seems he may have met someone but I cannot put a finger on it as yet.

What are the signs I should look out for. I need advise, maybe I am pulling at straws but lately he seems to go out more often and shows no effection/emphathy for me whatsoever.

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Posted by: Mm | 2008/10/18

To Dan-the-Man
I think that some men seem to misunderstand the difference between trusting them 100% and us feeling insecure. I totally trust my hubby but sometimes I feel insecure (in myself, eg still looking good etc) and for him that may seem like I don' t trust him. You need to forgive your wife because she wouldn' t have given you such a hard time if she didn' t love you soooo much.
My philosophy in life is ... in a few years time will you remember this episode in your lives, if the answer is no then it is not worth getting angry or fighting over.
Have a great weekend!!

Reply to Mm
Posted by: sistaz | 2008/10/17

heart my darling. dont look for signs speak to your man. whatever it is thats bothering can be solved (in part atleast) with talking. also we girls tend to talk at our man (shout and scream) and that shuts their concernatrion out and all they hear is blah blah blah. so chose a day when tempers are down and ask to speak to him privately preferably with no interruption. my partner and i normally take a drive to talk and leave our phones inthe house. and i know it works we`ve done it for the 8 years that we`ve been together.
good luck dear

Reply to sistaz
Posted by: Wifie | 2008/10/17

These are some signs to look out for as described by various internet articles on the subject

- sudden change in his behaviour - preocupied when at home, dont chat to you anymore, dont enjoy spending time with the family
- change in his appearance: sudden need for new clothes, suddenly very interested in how he looks in clothes or generally,new hairstyle, change in general hygiene
-Change in working hours and work circumstances: suddenly working overtime  more trips away if he travels  stops talking about a colleague if he used to talk about her in the beginning  doesnt want you to phone him at work  body language and/or behaviour changes around this particular colleauge  hours away from work during the day that he said he would be at work if is having an affair with someone who is also married
-Loss of interest in having sex with you or increased interest in having sex with you  new sexual positions that he never used to try or interest in porn or kinky sex
-Treats you extra nice or is extra mean to you, often creating arguments so he can storm out and be away for long periods  regular unexplained absences, unaccounted hours 
Phonecalls that dont get answered  general secrecey about cell phone 
Seperate post box so you dont have access to his credit card statements or phone records
Cleaning his car more often than he used to or being obsessive about his car being clean  not wanting the baby seat in the car for unexplained reasons or anything thats yours in the car is removed
Change in eating habits or food preferences 
Being eager all of a sudden to do his own laundry or help with laundry
Not wanting to take off his shirt in front of you for fear of you seeing scratch marks etc on his back or neck

Reply to Wifie
Posted by: Trixie | 2008/10/17

Honey, I suggest that you sit down and speak to your hubby about the fact that you both seem to be drifting apart, do not say anything about suspecting he is cheating. He might be finding it easier to be away from home because of the bickering and fighting. Go to famsa if you need some counselling. As an earlier poster said, there are lots of ' signs'  that you will see listed on the internet, that when checked out are perfectly innocent. Dont ruin a marriage and a home because of false accusations.

Reply to Trixie
Posted by: Eish | 2008/10/17

Heart I feel for you and I understand what you are saying but what I can say is instead of following him or hiring an investigator rather talk to him first and if it doesn' t change it might never change.
I use to own a shebeen and man like your' s use to sleep by my house on the couches or inside their cars alone and when they wake up they are too scared to face their lovely wives at home nad decide to drink again.
make him talk to you and get a solution and remember you don' t need a man to be happy you need your children more than him.
Your lovely kids can make you more happier than you man.
good Luck

Reply to Eish
Posted by: heart | 2008/10/17

? you might have hit the nail on the head maybe somewhere along the line we have grown so far apart that there is a numbness of feeling from both of us. I cannot tell you how I let it slip so badly - I suppose when you have children you tend to take your eye off the goal ahead that you and your partner needs to make an extra effort toward each other. I do not put the blame only on my husband but such a lot has passed under the bridge it seems the gap has got so wide that no rails would be long enough to make each end meet. My children at the moment are our superglue that holds our frail links together and yes I still love him but fear that it may be one sided.

Reply to heart
Posted by: heart | 2008/10/17

Hi guys,

It is not always easy being on the receiving end - You talk of low self asteem - I dont think I have low self asteem I am just gat vol. We are talking about a constant honey I am only going out for 3 drinks and then returning home between 12-4 the next morning plus minus 3-5 times a week. Dan the man is this normal behaviour - is it the bottle or could it be another women. Why does a married man want to be out 5 times a week not even seeing his children and not bothering to even call and let us know where he is or that he is going to be late. Maybe you being a male can explaing this. You must understand that yes sure as Eish stated I dont go out often, or socialise often and my ability to communicate has also taken a dive because I spend my time 24/7 working a full day week and also looking after my two children of 3 and 6. I suppose we all make choices but my children need at least one constant parent and why do I always have to tow the line.

Reply to heart
Posted by: Eish | 2008/10/17

I think it is because when we are with partners we forget about ourselves and concentrate on our partners.
We stop goimg out
We stop socialicing
we stop communicating and we expect our man to do the same thing.
I broke up with my ex 8 years ago and I' ve known him for 15 and he is still with his friends unlike us we can' t keep friendships.
We don' t trust our friends and our partners

Reply to Eish
Posted by: Dan-the-man | 2008/10/17

Thanx you girls, i feel so much better for just getting that off of my chest and having females actually acknowledge my point of view. (Sorry if im taking over your thread Heart...?)

Listen, I know woman are very soft and sensitive creatures, but I really don' t get why you can' t trust 100%? I mean i trust her 100% and she could as easily slip in a moment of weakness, but im not constantly going to worry about that 24/7? Im rather going to enjoy our time together and give her my absolute trust?

Eish and Mm, please help me out here, why do woman get so insecure? Maybe if I understand this, I could understand her actions better?

Reply to Dan-the-man
Posted by: Mm | 2008/10/17

Dan-the-man, so true. We do tend to let our imagination get away from us. We could be producer and director of our own little production in our minds.

Reply to Mm
Posted by: Eish | 2008/10/17

So true Dan-the-man I agree with you we woman always jumps into conclusion I know because it happened to me as well.
And because of my empty suspicions I am all alone.
Communication is the best key to everything.
Heart take your man out my sweety or ask to go with him to the pub once in a while

Reply to Eish
Posted by: Dan-the-man | 2008/10/17

Hear hear Eish!

Reply to Dan-the-man
Posted by: Eish | 2008/10/17

Talk to him about what’ s bothering you instead of going behind his back and searching for something that you might not even find.
Suggest an outing with him maybe a weekend away might help.

Reply to Eish
Posted by: Dan-the-man | 2008/10/17

Dollies, don' t tell her that! It' s NOT true. You woman can sometimes go overboard with your imagination! We do little things that you see as ' signs of cheating'  and then you have a field trip with that!

This whole thing that women has got a sixth sense that is always right is utter bull! And it' s been the reason for so many sh*t in many relationships! My own included! We almost got divorced because my wife got this idea that i was cheating on her, just because i kept my phone with me all the time. She thought it was cause im having an affair and don' t want her to see when this ' other woman'  contacts me, when, back at the ranch, i was trying to organise a damn surprise party for her!

She got so bad that we fought permanently, but she never told me why she' s being such an arse, her whole attitude just changed because she hated me so much, all because her sixth sense told her im cheating on her, and that became all she could think about! So when she eventually found out the real reason i was being distant with my phone, and went out the room for some calls (being her friends confirming for HER party) she felt so bad that THAT now put a NEW strain on our relationship!

Now, im resenting her, cause i know what she thinks of me, when i' ve NEVER given her reason NOT to trust me...hopefully we' ll ONE day be able to laugh about this but at this moment im still so TEED off with her that we' re not really speaking all that much.

Make damn sure of your facts before you start accusing! Cause you woman get these ideas into your heads and become obsessed with it! After a while it' s all you can think about!

Reply to Dan-the-man
Posted by: Kb | 2008/10/17

The only way to find out is to hire a private investigator, or do some investigating yourself. Its horrible to have to snoop, but how else are you going to find an answer?

Reply to Kb
Posted by: dollies | 2008/10/17


Reply to dollies
Posted by: x | 2008/10/17

Hi Heart

I would suggest that you go onto the internet, Google, and do a search on signs to look out for.... You will definitely find a lot of info there. Also, maybe go onto the Divorce Support Group on this site and speak to people who have had first hand experience - they will be able to tell you what happened to them and the signs they picked up.

Hope it all works out.

Reply to x
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/17

My gues sis that he' s acting this way because he' s tired of fighting all the time, so wants to get out more often. And shows no empathy because he' s become numb to it. Just a thought...

Reply to ?

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