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Question
Posted by: Chris | 2006/11/01

I still miss her after a year

I don't know if this is normal or whether I am creating this problem for myself.
I was married for many years. During this time I forgave my wife her infidelity twice but could not find forgiveness a 3rd time. We never did resolve the matter and for about 7 years this problem festered like a boil and eventually caused her to leave me. I loved her dearly and many nights I walked the floor. I knew my marraige was doomed and I watched it fade away without me being able to do anything about it. She was not willing. I prefered a disfunctual marraige to being without her because I loved her. We never argued or communicated much for that matter. When she informed me she was leaving I accepted the inevitable. My marraige was not a happy one for a long time. I accept that she married me for the wrong reasons (financial security for her and her children)
It is a year later and I still cry for her.
I've adapted my life to being single and after therapy and hobbies and numerous affairs and good friends and a solid support system I still cannot get over her. This thing called love should surely have died by now. Am I my own problem or is this normal?

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Our expert says:
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Well, to a large extent it's normal, But it Is a problem you are creating for yourself. It is normal and understandable after forgiving someone twice for repeated hurtful acts, to find it impossible to forgive a third time. It would have been wise at the time for you both to get into marriage counselling --- both to see if the marriage could indeed be healed, but also so that if you parted, you could both be in a better state to get over it and to learn from it, to avoid such problems in future.
But having essential;ly given up, to be still weeping a year later is unwise, and indicates that you really need some personal counselling to get over this and move on. If "therapy" hasn't helped you to achieve that, then it was ineffective therapy, and CBT would be adviseable. Its not an issue of getting over love, but getting over an obsession with it

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sipho | 2006/11/01

Aagh man , this really breaks my heart. i know how you feel , - and believe me, people find it hard to understand and they expect one to be "over' a loved one in a matter of a year - because of the perceived support system u hav. There was atym when i felt i won't be able to live without my wife - even contemplated suicide - luckliy she came back 2 me. Man , i know what you're going thru but hey keep strong.I know it's a bit girlish to keep a diary but foer me it helped to express my feelings on a piece of paper eacvh day...gud luck!

Reply to Sipho
Posted by: kat | 2006/11/01

its time to let go, you were not happy anyway but after a long marrage you get used to having someone as a part of your life. you are holding on to the idea of what you wanted the marrage to be. anyway the reason you cant get over her is coz you dont realy want to, coz if you do it means that you have to face the fact that it truely is over, even though now you know it but you still hold on. she used you and that is hard for anyone to deal with. im not even sure if its even about her or just about the idea of her and what could have been. you need to understand that even if she didnt leave it would never have worked coz she didnt want it. stop looking back and start looking towards your future. there is a happy life after divorce you just need to want it bad enough.

Reply to kat
Posted by: opposite | 2006/11/01

It happend to me my husband left me for another woman I cried, for him but it never helps now I am enjoying my life after a year I haven't start dating and he left that woman too for a younger girl, life is an adventure it depends what you want.good luck

Reply to opposite
Posted by: XXX | 2006/11/01

I think that you are your own problem,she is most proberly enjoy her life,so get a grip, lift up your head and start to enjoy life, broer

Reply to XXX

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