Posted by: Frustrated | 2003/12/08

I sometimes feel she doesn't deserve me.

I was a virgin(male) when I got involved with my g/f early this year and she was not.I know this sounds crazy bt I sometimes feel that she doesn't deserve me and I feel cheated for the fact that she has had other people before me and I hadn't.I now feel the need to cheat on her and have sex with other people just "to settle the score".I've tried to push this thought away bt I feel I won't rest until I bang a few myself.Plz guyz dont bite my head off,just put yourselves in my shoes.I would also very much like to hear from the Doc,as he gives some genuinely good advice.

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Our expert says:
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Dear Frustrated,
The problem is to try to put oneslf in someone else's shoes, without tramping on their toes ! Aren't you getting a few things confused, so far ? She never cheated on you by having sex with someone else before she even knew you existed, did she ? If you feel that maybe your previous lack of experience has left you relatively inexperienced and unskilled, well, now you have a chance to gain experience and learn technique, with someone you love, who may have something to teach you, within a loving and faithful relationship. To be truly enjoyable, sex isn't about keeping scores ; as soon as you're worried about who's winning and who's losing, you've both lost. Quality counts more than mere quantity, and just cramming in a few more bangs for your buck won't improve your level of experience, or your confidence, or your happiness. To be fully enjoyed, sex isn't only the physical stuff --- that's only the easiest part --- but in the context of a real emotional relationship, it all means so much more. You have the opportunity for that within your present relationship, and couldn't get anything like that from just "banging a few" more. there's a few boxer dogs in our neighbourhood, who've surely "banged" many more than you and I added together --- but I'm not jealous of them, and feel no need to compete.
You can't get "even" without sliding further behind.
Now, you don't need to be "destroyed" by the fact that you're not her first, unless you absolutely insist that this must be so. Gee, it's pretty certain that you masturbated quite a bit before you met her --- should she be feeling deeply jealous because of this previous relationship with your own hand ? because she wasn't the first to bring you sexual pleasure ? If that sounds like a silly example, then just pause and think, it's actually not more illogical than insisting that your relationship with her must be worthless because she had sex with someone else before she met you.
And what if you do give up on this relationship, and start again, and find yourself a virgin --- should she feel outraged because you will have been "unfaithful" to her by having sex with someone else before you met her ?
What would the solution be ? To search for a girl who's had exactly the same number of experiences as you, with exactly the same number of partners ? Or is it a double standard, that it's OK for the guys to have other experiences, but not the gals ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: J | 2003/12/08

Agrees with Lady Nina. You need to take a long look at yourself. Nobody is perfect.

Reply to J
Posted by: lady nina | 2003/12/08

you are pretty childish about all this my friend!!!!!!


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Kernel | 2003/12/08

Don't let it bother you any further - just remember your next girlfriend won't be your first either!

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Mona | 2003/12/08

Surely if you love her you wont want to sleep with anyone else....?? Try not to think about her past, just think about your future together. If you are gonna now sleep around (and pick up aids!!) then she is gonna feel she has to do it too cos you cheated, and its gonna be never ending. Put it out your mind, and enjoy her! If you cant, then best you go find a virgin, if you can.... (I think you might end up old and alone....)

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Frustrated | 2003/12/08

Guyz,everything you are telling me is true(deep down I know).Jasmin, you are right.Well I think its difficult to deal with the fact that I wasn't my gal's first.Its destroying me and the luv I feel for my girl.I've tried to push these crazy thoughts out of my mind(for about 3 months) bt I'M NOT SUCCEDING.I'm supposed to luv her d way she is right?I'm supposed to luv and accept her for who she is,love her unconditionally.I know those facts,but they are not helping.Should I just let DIS RELATIONSHIP go?

Reply to Frustrated
Posted by: Jasmine | 2003/12/08

If you are perfect, cast the first stone.
We all do things in life and have to live with the consequences. Getting even never works.
You need to deal with the fact that you were not your gf's 'first'. If you can't do that then move on because it will always be an issue which may affect your future and you cannot punish her for her past and its mistakes.

Reply to Jasmine
Posted by: nicki | 2003/12/08

Some of us mature before others and some of us are willing to wait. The question to be asked is, do u want to have sex with people for the sake of having sex. In todays age and society sex has been cheapened to its lowest form. U have something special at the moment, u have a relationship where there is love, and u consumated that relationship with love. Dont cheapen yourself. Whats more, your g/f is faithful to u. What she has done in the past is her past. If u keep bringing the past into the present then there will be no future.

Reply to nicki

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