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Question
Posted by: Desperate | 2007/05/11

I need your prof advice

Hi all. Can someone please give me advice? I'm a young married guy with a huge secret. I think I might be addicted to adult cyber chatting and porn. This might not seem to most as being a major issue, but the problem is it's gay porn. My wife obviously doesn't know about any of this, and she'd leave me the second she finds out. I DON'T FEEL GAY though. I think I might be Bisexual. I don't see the light. Either way someone will end up shattered. What sould I do? Any advice would help....

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, this is a realyl bad habit, but not really an addiction. As you'll ee if you carefully check out the archives of this forum, we have discussed many aspects of this issue of porn itself many times, and you may find some of the previous discusions useful for you. I'm not sure what it would feel like to "feel gay" other than in the focus of your sexual interests and what images and fantasies truly arouse you. But if your main interest and area of arousal with online porn is gay, this does suggest that you are ( if also aroused by and interested in women ) bisexual.
It would be a really good idea for you to see a good local counsellor, to explore these issues further and to achieve a better level of understanding of yourself.
A counsellor would not be there to "tell you what you already know", but to help you understand it, examine your alternatives and their potential consequences, make the best available decision about the best way forward, and help you to plan and achieve whatever goals you set yourself within the counselling process.
And if there are truths that you want to deny and not accept, it may be even more important to work with such a counsellor to accept what the truth is, and plan the best way to deal with that. As for your wife, you may well LOVE her emotionally, without really desiring her sexually.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Thank You | 2007/05/11

Thank You Desperate and you kind Jane... jane you were great.

I have taken something out of your dialogue with Desperate:
"True Happiness Comes With Being At Peace With Yourself"

Thank you Jane you have been a wonderful support to Desperate and us all. We may not be suffering from sexual-orientation issues like Desperate, but challenges on being at peace with decision we make and if those decisions are in line with our internal being, values and core of beliefs.

thank you!

Reply to Thank You
Posted by: Desperate | 2007/05/11

Thankyou all. I must admit. I feel better already. I have some hard choices to make in the not so distant future. Unfortunitely no-one can help me with that. I'll speak to you soon.

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Jane | 2007/05/11

Some excellent advice from CS! If you feel the need to conversation or just chat, just pop in here instead:-)

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/05/11

*sigh*

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: kat | 2007/05/11

first you need to come to terms with y our sexuality then tackle the net stuff

there is nothing wrong with being bi or even just curious

once you get that out your system through counsiling the porn should stop too, the porn is coz you are curious ant coz your a perv. embrace who you are and find out the truth about yourself tht way this will never be a prob again. remember being bi means having to chose being gay you dont have a choice.

Reply to kat
Posted by: Jane | 2007/05/11

I'm sure God has not abandoned you and no your not the only person on earth feeling like this. Your loneliness comes from your own restrictions in communicating this. If you are truly happy then there is only one decision and that decision is for you alone to make. You need to work on this addiction that is feeding these feelings. Containing these feelings is, with your decision, is something you are going to have to carry around for a very long time... you are always going to feel some kind of loneliness in that regard.

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Desperate | 2007/05/11

I've felt like this my entire life, but I'm happy already, I just need to get away from this shaddow. I LOVE my wife with all my heart, that's why I married her to begin with. Ridding of this feelings just seem to be impossible. I have NO-ONE to talk to, that can help me through this. I feel incredibly alone in that regard. Am I the only person on earth feeling like this. I'm really spiritual, but it feels as though God has abondoned me.

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Jane | 2007/05/11

yep, things will get better alright...... but will you be happy? True happiness comes from being at peace with yourself. have you felt like this long?

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Desperate | 2007/05/11

Ok. You're right I know. I'll fight my addiction with everything I have. If I use the same amount of energy fighting this, as I'm using to fight acceptance, then it must work. I just need to hear that things will get better. I'm tired..........

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Jane | 2007/05/11

its not fair to your wife that you have her around as a cloak to blend into society - more often than not its the men that have bi sexual feelings that fight their own dragons and not society not wanting to accept it.

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Jane | 2007/05/11

But "Desperate" you have just answered your own question. You are only going to hear from people/professionals what you already know but not want to accept. If you are not going to accept what you truly feel and rather what society expects from you then you have to stop feeding it with all this porn and chat rooms - if you are not going stop then your wife has a right to know or have the decision at least to either stick around or not - eventually this will surface one way or another and then it might be too late.

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Desperate | 2007/05/11

Jane, to answer your question. I do absolutely everything possible in cyber. Webcam included.

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Desperate | 2007/05/11

What would prof help help me. They would tell me what I already know but doesn't want to except. I am what society expects and accepts. Why would anyone sacrifice acceptance and the love of a beautiful woman for the oppocite. Isn't it possible that the porn are feeding the underdog, and if I quit that, everything will be better. I've tried to loose it in the past, and I know the guilt subsides after a while. Cant I go on suppressing my true feelings. I've always said I'd rather commit suicide than except that i'm gay.

Reply to Desperate
Posted by: Jane | 2007/05/11

Is it just the images or do you actually chat to men in the adult cyber chat rooms?

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Lady | 2007/05/11

You really need professional help as you are married. Find out what really makes you tick otherwise your life will be a misery forever, I had a husband who did the internet porn thing and couldnt stop himself, and landed up in trouble at work and with me. I hate him for the years of my life he wasted trying to fix what he couldnt. You cant waste your wifes time pretending to be what you not.

Reply to Lady

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