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Question
Posted by: Gunta - Sad | 2008/06/24

I need your honest opinion - Marriage

Story a bit Long - Sorry :-(
Hi. I am married with a husband whom I have dearlly love.My high school sweet heart.We've been married for 3 years now and also have a 3yr old adorable child.My husband has two other kids at which their mother passed away at least 2years ago and I have been there for them all the time even thou they dont live with us(granny refuses but lets us get them every school holidays).
When me& hubby were still courting I decided to dump him bcs 1. he became very abusive screaming and shouting at me infront of his kids. He therefore tried to commit suicide. Somehow we went back together because I thought he can change.
Then it happened again and this time he hit me all because I went on a trip with a youth that I was leading. So I dupmed him again and he also tried to commit suicide again! We went back together because he told me how much he needed me in his life and will not be able to do anything without me!
We got married after a year and had a baby girl who loves her father dearly.
The 2nd time we broke up I got a boyfriend who was there for me all the time and also understood my situation. When I got married we just agreed that we will just keep intouch and not do anything. However when things got worse at my house I would go to him and spend a night then come back home and things would have cooled down a little. This became a routine as my husband was travelling. I would try to call my hubby at night and women will be talking in the background and calling out his name. I said enough is enough and I just carried on with my secrete love affair - 4yrs now.
My husband hit me again a couple of weeks ago because he just felt like it. He says Im cheating. Okay - not that what Im doing is right but in order to keep the peace I decided to let things be the way he wants them to be. Now he apologises for all his wrong doings and wants us to be together again. He has stopped travelling with the hope that things will be fine. But still things must be done his own way - jump, sit, sleep at his own time. He controls my life and even my car! We have one car(mine) so he is in control of it (I dont have a problem because he is my partner) but I hate it at the same time I am just not allowed to use it only when I need to go work! I cant visit my granny who lives alone when I want to but when its convinient to him.
Okay - I know I am wrong with the boyfriend issue, but he never interferes in my home life. My husband has been like this all the time and I am tired of it. Worse now that he even argues and hits me infront of my daughter I cannot take it anymore.
Now you tell me in all honesty what do I do...tell me anything. I need to do this right for my daughters sake. People tell me its too late now because we now have a child involved - Should I just stay on and let the abuse continue. The abuse has got nothing to do with me doing anything - but because he is just angry and thinks Im a worthless wife at one point and when I retaliate and tell him he is killing me slowly - he tells me that that is exactly his intentions - to bring me down with him. I dont know if I'll even be able to get away from him as he has said that he will kill me should I even decide to leave him????
Thanks...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I agree with CP mom. Call POWA, plan to leave him, safely, protect yourself and your child, and divorce. HAving the affair is no help to anyone.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gunta - Sad | 2008/06/25

Ow My God - Thank You guys. I have my brother and his girlfriend worried sick about me and they have been trying by all means to show me that I have to do what is right for me and my daughter. Thanks a mil. I will have to work out a plan then call POWA. I knew all this but I was just scared and didnt know where to start. You guys are angels... May the good Lord Bless you all. I will keep you posted.
:-)

Reply to Gunta - Sad
Posted by: Lin | 2008/06/24

Please think of your child and get out of the marriage. Without help this man will never change. He manipulates you every time you leave him and you fall for it. Your child s learning that it's ok to hit someone and it's ok to be hit.
Please go for counselling and take the child with.

Reply to Lin
Posted by: Seipati | 2008/06/24

What is more important to u?
Being in an abusive relationship or being happy?ur obviously not happy why are u still with him,because his the father of your daughter or because ur scared he will kill himself.If he wants to kill himself,let him do it.but dont let him to kill u slowly and live ur daughter suffering.im sure u can always explain the situation to your daughter later on in life when she is old enogh to understand.N.B WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE IS THAT UR DAUGHTER LOVES U AND SHE WILL WANT MOMMY TO BE HAPPY.PUT HER FIRST AND UR MAN LAST BECAUSE HIS NOT MAN.HIS ONLY A MAN BECAUSE HE WEARS A TROUSER.STAND FOR WHAT U BELIEVE IN AND MAKE A DECISION THAT U WONT REGRET LATER.REMEMBER U ONLY LIVE ONCE,THERE WILL BE NO SECOND CHANCE 4 U TO COME BACK AND MAKE ANOTHER DECISION.FOLLOW UR HURT AND WHAT IS RIGHT 4 URSELF.IN MY OWN OPINION ILD SAY LIVE HIM AND DONT LOOK BACK.ULL SRVIVE MY DEAR!LIVE HIM AND RAISE UR KID AND ULL BE OKAY.BELIEVE ME ULL PULL THROUGH.HIS NOT A MAN AND HE MOST CERTAINLY DOESNT DESERVE U IF HE HIT,AND PLEASE NEXT TIME WHEN U WANT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT NEVER CORRECT THEM BY DOING THE VERY SAME THING.

Reply to Seipati
Posted by: !!!!! | 2008/06/24

Girlfriend, run and run faster.
He sure will kill you, please think about you and your daughter's hapiness.

Reply to !!!!!
Posted by: Kay in Gtown | 2008/06/24

Get out.

This kind of relationship isn't what you want to role-model for your daughter. If you stay, this is what your daughter will learn about being a woman in a relationship, that this is "love".

But make sure you and your daughter get away safely. Have a plan and work towards it, get help with it, and then do it.
Good luck, take care of yourself.

Reply to Kay in Gtown
Posted by: Anon | 2008/06/24

leave this man,love should not hurt ,he does not love you,why are you still there,he will never stop hitting you ,you really are acting like a sucker for pain.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/06/24

sometimes i don't understand woman, why do we always want to go back to abusers, do we really hope they will change , i have learned that some people never change and i don't think i'll ever go back to abuser, i have done it once and never again .

a police officer once told me that if a man hit you once just leave because he will never stop and sometimes when you call the police for that kind of a case, they take long to respond.

my dear go to your nearest family court and get your protection order because you are in an abusive relationship.

i can't tell you to leave him now but think about what you need to be happy.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Ja | 2008/06/24

get away! You are a shite having the affair never-the-less!!!!!

Reply to Ja
Posted by: neo | 2008/06/24

divorce him

Reply to neo
Posted by: Just M | 2008/06/24

You are a sucker for punishment. You should have left him the first time he laid a finger on you. But you can't change the past, so its time that you take control of your future.
Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that its okay for a man to hit her?
Leave your husband, dump the boyfriend and focus on getting your life back on track. Your daughter's safety and happiness is your main concern right now.
If you are really scared of him, then its time to get the police involved. Stop questioning and start acting.

Reply to Just M
Posted by: CP Mom | 2008/06/24

I think you need to call POWA to help you to get away from the man. Regardless if you "deserve" to be hit or not.......

That will be the first step. Get yourself and your child safely away.

Then after that you can worry and sort out your boyfriend problems.......and all the other problems.

Good luck

Reply to CP Mom

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