Posted by: miri | 2009/07/01

I need tips on dealing with this

My husband works late and does have a pressured job. He comes home between 8-10pm at night at least 4 nights of the week and on a Fri the sometimes at 8pm.

His excuses:
Has meetings all day long so eve is only time he can actually work. He is generally a slow worker and nds more time.

My questions: why not come home and work on the laptop that way the fam and kids knows he is safe and sound, his reply is by the time he has driven home in the traffic he is not in the mood to sit and work at home, also the kids will distract him until they slp.

My concerns: most times if i call his office/mobile at these late hrs, he does not answer. Hi excuse is that he is sometimes in mtg' ' s with all the others who love working late, he stepped out to bathroom or his mobile is acting up (this one i believe as his ph does give numerous problems) not sure re other excuses.

What is your opinion prof, is there an affair do you think? mostly i would like advice on all both male and female on how to deal with this and change it. He does not listen whn i ask him nicely that we prefer to know he is safe at home and coming home so late not gd for the relationship/kids. His response is i am asking him to choose us or his career.... how do i respond to that? this has caused so much heartache we fight now more than ever because of these hrs. I feel i have turned him off in some way, maybe the extra 8kg i carry after the birth of kids is a turn off, although he does not say, but us women think of the worst....i have tried keeping away intimacy to show him how serious i am re being unhappy not knowing where he is every night, it does not really work, after a wk i think maybe i am driving him to someone else or he convinces me into it. He is under so much pressure and stress he also recently had an EDysfunction episode which scared him a lot, he saw a urologist and now it seems to be fine, he was open about this and i was extremely supportive in boosting his self confidence, i was very careful how to deal with that and that is not even the issue here... do i keep the intimacy away or not? how do i win him over his job?

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Our expert says:
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Far too many companies have far too many meetings, and they seem not to recognize how enormously expensive these are ( just add together the costs of all the salaries of those who attend them for so long, the work not otherwise done by those people, and the workl not done by people not in the meeting but waiting for input from those in the meeting, and all the lost opportunities !) An efficient company and office can't avoid some meetings, but should regularly review whether each meeting is actually essential and productive, and exactly who should be there. Too often, information which could be circulated ahead of time, so people can think about it in advance, is only delivered at the meeting, slowing everything down.
And if there are a bunch o others who also "love working late", this is really an inefficiently run business.
Working at night he is presmably working along, and not in active contact with other co-workers and so on, so to that extent that work could be done at home. But there is a sort of blessed peace that falls over many offices at night, when most people go home and you can work undisturbed. Could he work at home without being distracted and disturbed ? Can you make a plan for him to have some time with the kids ( while unwinding from the trip home, which may be more frazzling done earlier than later ) and then let him have a kid-free zone to work in ?
From the sound of it, there is not an afffair ( except with his work ) but a not very well organized guy trying hard in a badly organized organization.
If his career, and perhaps that of others, depends on so much routine overtime, this is a lousy company and he should perhaps think of looking for alternative work with a company that is properly run.
I'm sure you have not "turned him off" --- it's the job that has done that.
Any possibility of eprsuading him to join you in some sesions of marriage counselling ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Been there | 2009/07/01 or opinion is family should always come first. If, and I say a BIG IF he is having an affair, keeping intimicy from him is not going to work. Sit him down and have a chat with him about how you feel and try to keep things neutral so that nothing is blown out of proportion. Surely he can make a plan to come home early at least once a week to put the children to bed.

Reply to Been there

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