Posted by: me | 2007/07/13

I need advice please...

Hello to all...
I have a problem that I hope someone can advise me with.
I have been married for almost 10 years, and i have 2 children, the eldest of which is a very demanding child due to ADHD ( he is on medication tho).
My problem at the moment tho is that I have no sex drive.
This is a problem that I have had for years, tho it became worse after childbirth (I also had PND with my first child.
My first sexual experience was not consentual at 21, and I have been having flashbacks regarding my past, with my stepdad, and I learnt very recently that both my sisters ( who are married) are having the same flashbacks and the same problems sexually with their husbands.
The thing is... my husband has basically given me an ultimatum regarding our marriage, and is strongly recommending hypnotherapy to "unlock" certain memories I may have, in order to "fix" my sexual problems at the moment. I am not very comfortable with hypnotherapy for that because I know its not very accurate when it comes to memories etc etc.
Also, I am very very exhausted at the moment, hubs plays no part in the ubringing of our children, tho he is quick to point out that he did get me a helper to help with the housework!
I would happily do the housework myself if it meant that we could act as a team with the upbringing of our children.
Because I am so tired.... I think it also makes me less inclined to want to initiate anything sexually.
The thing is, hubs is very distant, and we only talk about everyday topics.. and I work for him as well, he says he needs intimacy in bed to intimate in other ways.... but I need a father for my children!
Please, if anyone can advise me on what to do, I would really appreciate it...:)

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Our expert says:
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Many factors can contribute to a low sex drive or lwered pleasure in sex, and these could include depression / PND, and non consensual early experience and abuse ( though it can also have the opposite response, with perhaps even more unfortunate results ).
Hypnotherapy won't help ( warning, a cook who is a hypnosis fanatic, calling himself Homeoepsych, is likely to leap in here and assure you that it will ). |Unlocking" any memories is NOT needed at all, and the atempt to do so produces not only unreliable memories, but can very easily produce false memories.
BUT proper counselling from a non-hypnotic counsellor, perhaps of the Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy format (CBT ) could indeed help you to enjoy sex more and to rediscover your libido. Its unfortunate that your bhusband fails to help with the housework and especially the upbringing of the children. I would understand if this made you feel angry and resentful and less interested in sex. And your very reasonable expectation that he should be a father to your children and a husband to you, is even more important than sex. WOuld he agree ( especially if he saw it as a way to "fix" you !) to join you in marriage counselling, eg through FAMSA ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: me | 2007/07/13

Thank u so much for the response:)
We have tried marriage councelling a lot of times before... I know he would agree with it on the one hand but on the other hand he sees it as a rehashing of past problems... mostly to do with the sex thing...
He wants me to go for hypnotherapy... Ive told him it might not work, but then he says if I try Im at least "doing" something, but if I dont, then Im not motivated to try to "fix" things...
He says our marriage is a mess, because of what I am not "providing" sexually, but Im so lonely I could cry.
I am on Lilly Fluoxetine 20mg daily since the birth of my first child, which helps ALOT, but I know that meds alone will not help...
Again, thank u so much for your time and advice:)))

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