Posted by: Bollie | 2008/05/27

I messed up

Hi everyone,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you this morning. I am a 31 year old male and have been involved with a guy for the last six years.

It's been up and down, but in the most we are a very good match and understand each other very well.

The propblem is, I have a lot higher libido than he has. It's always been like that and it worsened really when he got a job in Jhb and started traveling every day from Pretoria. Our sex life was reduced to a Saturday morning quicky and I (selfishly) wasn't satisfied.

We discussed it and he basically told me if you want sex everyday, get yourself 2 16-year olds. I think we should have sorted it out then and there, but we didn't.

I started visiting gay porn sites on my cellphone, and later discovered chatrooms.

I never picked up a guy on the chat rooms, but did chat sexually with them.

3 months ago, late one night, my boyfriend caught me having what he termed "phone sex" with a guy, but I was basically chatting with him (but fondling myself while doing it).

I then lied about it and said it is a pornsite and showed him the pornsites I visit. He didn't believe it but let it go (or so I thought)

I then let it go for a while and didn't go on any sites, but recently our relationship has taken a dip again.

I started visiting the chat groups again, and he caught me out. Went on my phone one morning while I was sleeping and sent all the links to his phone....

I really don't know what to do now... I admit - I messed up, althoughI didn't meet with guys for sex, I do uinderstand howe this constitutes as a big breakage of trust.

I suggested to him this morning that we do couples counceling, but I basically tolds me he cannot see how that will help us. I should go on my own and "sort myself out". He can't have a relationship with a guy he cannot trust.

I feel awful! We have built a life together and I do love him - I hate myself!!!

Please give me some advise from an outside perspective, as I am caught in this situation and don't know what to do...

Am I maybe addicted to sex, or is there something wrong with me?

Of course my bf is totally impossible to talk to, he goes totally on the offensive and does not want to hear about anything.

I know I am 80% to blame.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi to you Bollie, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting.

A marked difference in sexual drive can easily cause hassles in a relationship and invariably the best solution is a compromise. Your partner seems to a 'black & white', 'all or nothing' kinda guy which hasn't been conducive to negotiating sexual interactions in your relationship.

I would say the jury is still out on whether you cheated or not. For example, I'm not convinced that looking at porn is 'cheating', unless this has been discussed and both parties have for some reason agreed that its only something they do together. Similarly, the jury is out regarding chat sites - was this ever discussed by you guys?

The question is where you draw the line. Is fantasy about a hot guy or hot scene during masturbation 'cheating'? Is a straight men who, after many years of marriage, fantasizes about someone else while he has sex with his wife 'cheating'? If he is, the vast majority of us have 'cheated'.

I think your partner is being unreasonable. And no, based on the info you've provided, I doubt that you're addicted to sex. You sound like someone who's insightful and in touch with his feelings. You clearly feel bad about this so give it a few days and suggest couple counselling again. And stop assuming the blame - this is something that happened between you guys and after 6 years together you should be able to sort it out.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/05/28

Good on you both! And well done on saying you won't continue as it is now. Time for change, from BOTH of you. You both have done things wrong, you both got hurt, now handle it from here. keep that honesty and communication lines open, always. And be patient, very patient, these things, especially where trust is concrned, takes time. Do not go to the adult shop for the toy before you have discussed it with him. Do not think you know how to fix this on your own. Try finding something together that will work for both of you. And be open an honest about everything. Leave your cellphone open for him to look at and see if there is anything to hide. There shouldn't be, never again.
Take the good out of what you both have learnt from this, and build on that.
And really, it would be great if you two could end up going for couple's councelling.

Best of luck

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Bollie | 2008/05/28


Thank you so much for saying what I need to hear.

I do love my boyfriend and I do realise that I have not handled the situation well. I should not have been scared to speak up, but should have discussed it with him before allowing myself to go do things behind his back.

On the one hand I am actually relieved that the whole thing is out in the open. You know when you keep something secret from your partner, you basically close off a part of yourself to him, and eventualy it just snowballs.

And you are right, eventually I would have ended up actully messing around and meeting men.

We spoke last night. I really expected to go home and discuss the final breakup. He wanted to know where to from here.

I told him the issues that bother me. No communication, low libido, lack of openess with each other.

For him it is about the fact that I lied the first time... he had a previous relationship where the guy messed him around and lied about it, and it has left a mark.

He just feels our whole relationship is built on lies and how can he ever trust me again. I really have no good answer to this, other than to have said I am sorry and that I would like to give it another try if he also feels the same way.

However I told him that I won't continue like we are now. We have to identify the issues and then decide what to do about it and then actually DO something about it.

You know, how about going to a adult shop and buy a toy... or what ever. And we need to get close again - touching, holding, talking - all of which had fallen away.

I just feel if I don't give it my best one last time before we call it quits, that I will most surely take a lot of baggage from this relationship into my future.

However, I do not want to stay in something just because it is convenient - it is difficult to see the line though!

Thank you to every one for your thoughts. It is really nice to know there are guys that understand and care enough to listen and to try and help.

I appreciate it alot!


Reply to Bollie
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/05/28

Bollie, as far as I can understand you really love your bf and you are really sorry about what happened. What you did, may not have been the best of things, and if left alone, it could have ended up in meeting guys and cheating for real, and if you are honest with yourself, you know it would have and you have thought about it.
But, I say, stop beating up yourself for this, I think your boyfriend is not only 20% to blame, but 50% to blame. A relationship consists of 2 people (sometimes 3 or more, but let's focus on 2 for now). This means two people with different needs, different ways of thinking, doing, acting, dealing with problems, living. But, being in a relationship means sharing your life with someone, and living with those differences or meeting each other halfway, give and take, compromising, and accepting each others differences. Also being in tune and sensitive to your partner's needs.
Your boyfriend was obviously not sensitive to your need to have more sex. So what did he expect? Okay, given, you handled it wrong as well, taking the easy way out and looking for some satisfaction somewhere else, rather than dealing with the issue at hand.
I know that work stress these days really takes its toll on relationships and sexlives. But if he was sensitive to your needs too, he would also compromise. I mean, nothing wrong with a handjob if you are too tired. But you guys need to tackle this thing head on, not find alternatives, or give up. Why are gay guys so easy to let go when the going gets tough? Look at the people's answers up here: let him go, he is not worth it , time to move on, etc etc. Easy as that. After 6 years togeher, you just give up, pack your things and move on. Why don't we take our own relationships and lives seriously, and how can we expect the world to do so if we can't? People say "gay relationships never last " and then we wonder why that is?!
Because the moment the relationship gets a bit more challenging, we just run off to the next guy, and it is all moonshine and roses all over again.

A relationship is GOING to get tough, you are going to go through sh*t together, it is NEVER EVER, gay or straight relationships, just smooth sailing all the way. And if we cannot stick it out when small things happen, how are we expecting the relationship to last? If you don't give me all the sex I want, I get it somewhere else. If you pressure me in any way I get offensive, or pack my stuff and go. But then the root cause is never even touched on. Why is his libido so low? What is happening in his life, at work. What are YOU doing to aleviate his stress or make it easier for him.
And him, has he ever thought of or spoke to you about your need to be intimate more times. What is he doing to make it easier for you, because he loves you. Why are you guys not communicating, and bullshit with the "he does not want to listen" etc. That is just excuses. If you guys, after 6 years together love each other and care for each other and want to be together, you will find a way to work through this. Sit down, and agree beforehand to give each other room to say his say (maybe even time yourselves, without the other one allowed to respond) and agree beforehand to stop when things get too heated and take some time to cool off first before you continue. Or go away for a weekend alone for this purpose, and it by the fire with a glass of wine and talk this out. Find out why you are feeling the way that you do, and try to understand why your partner feels and reacts the way he does. Communicate communicate communicate. Find the best way that works for you and use it.

And never ever take the "easy way out" in anything. Nothing in this life that is worth it just comes easy.

Good luck to you both.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: john dowe | 2008/05/27

let him go -aint worth it dude

Reply to john dowe
Posted by: john dowe | 2008/05/27

let him go -aint worth it dude

Reply to john dowe
Posted by: ANON | 2008/05/27

Sorry my friend to say this, but there is no turning back from here, he wants out and he just doesn’t have the guards to say so. I have been there once, being accused of not being supportive, not understanding, demanding and for even sake the list can go on. I suggested a break (a month or two) from the relationship as I could no longer take it. Let me tell something, in a period of a week, he had already moved on. Well, for me was like set it free, if it’s yours it will come back, unfortunately it never did

Reply to ANON
Posted by: Nikkits | 2008/05/27


I think this relationship dead a long time ago and the two of you need to figure out where rather then why.

I also feel that it was all about sex and the convenience of being in a “relationship” that allow the sex to happen whenever and without having to go out and look for it in clubs or wherever.

Now that this “bicycle” has been ridden it seems like he wants to move on but do not want to take the blame for failing in the relationship.

In my mind and that is my advise to both of you, I don’t think any one of you are “to blame” for a relationship that may no longer be what the two of you want it to be.

People sometimes get in a groove of convenience and then they put up with all the negatives in a situation purely because it is the only “known” situation they find themselves in and don’t really feel like “starting over” or “starting new”

If talks fail (he being offensive) then I suggest you “re-tune” the talks so that he does not feel the need to be offensive. What I am trying to say is don’t try and look for the problems in the relationship but rather look for what will suit BOTH of you to end it without one blaming the other.

I don’t suggest give it all up and run for the hills BUT to just think that counseling is needed to admit who is at fault and who needs to fix what to keep the relationship going, is perhaps NOT the way to go about “fixing” this particular “relationship” because just maybe there never really was one at all.

In short, Bollie, don’t battle one another to fix the relationship, support one another to end it and stay friends for life


Reply to Nikkits
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/05/27

Hey Bollie,
You're NOT crazy fellow, the situation you're in sounds like it certainly might be!. I can't beleive that your partner won't listen to you, and talk about WHY you've felt the need to chat 'sexually' with others. There's obviously a problem at home, and sorry, but it does take two to tango...or is he now suddenly 'Mr Perfect?" I can figure the whole scene you're in...a slow decline of what you had, and sometimes, like Nikkits says, it's what the other half actually 'wants' to happen, so they can walk and put ALL the blame on you!
I have no idea if you'll be able to pick up the pieces, but what I do know, is that you need to take a good few steps back, and take a look at the bigger picture. Yes, you may not been an absolute Angel, but I can't see that chatting constitutes a complete betrayal - and I don't see you alone as the complete culprit. Nikits is absolutely right...your b/friend is making a huge scene and getting offensive, to cover up for his part in the relationship going sour. Hopefully you Guys will be able to sort this all out.
Best of luck

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Bollie | 2008/05/27


Thank you for your quick reply.

Yes I suppose I am a little over emotional currently. I value your advise and do not see it as anything meant to be harmful! :-)

I have wondered about my bf before - you know is he now or is he now not having an affair? I confronted him head-on about this during our fight and he denied it. Says: would I like to sleep with a man that is lying to me?"

I answered of course not....

Thing is I can put my thoughts on paper but when I start discussing with him, he throws it all around. i admit I have wronged, but I do feel he should at least admit to some part of the blame as well? I do feel dirty - I don't want to be a one dimensional gay guy - only going on about sex the whole time. But for me, sex might be a smaller part in the relationship but the effect it can have is devastating if it is not there. I start doubting myself, he doubts himself.

Truly I don't think the relationship is healthy anymore... Communication has broken down. It is both our faults. I just feel he doesn't really care - I would tell him something and then in the middle of the conversation end up repeating half of it because he wasn't paying attention.

I'm afraid to discuss certain things - like exploring a little in the bedroom - he'll end up not feeling "enough".

Your idea about looking for a reason to get out by my partner is something I have also thought of... he does not want to make the decision though - says its my decision - just feels like he'll walk away and blame the whople thing on me.

So how do I save my "relationship"? Is there a way? Why am I more and more starting to think about messing around? I have even thought of meeting a guy regularly... but I wouldn't be able to look my bf in the eye.

Sex might have been a too big part at the start, but really, at this stage it has totally fallen away.

Sorry for ranting on, but it helps getting it out of my system!


Reply to Bollie
Posted by: Nikkits | 2008/05/27

HI Bollie,

I want to be brief and there is no harm intended other then advice as you clearly need it.

First and foremost why is how you feel about sex now the reason why you are wrong, at fault and cheating and all the bad things in life?

Your partner in my opinion is looking for a way out of the relationship my friend, sorry if I have to be the one to tell you that.

From what I have read in your post HE is making sure YOU feel everything is your fault and from what I sit HE is the one that needs counseling and please traveling to JHB has nothing to do with his “no sex in the week – I work too hard” excuse.

You need to forget about the sex part and have a hard look at the WHOLE “relationship” and I have to put it in quotes, because I am not so sure it is a relationship anymore, at least not how you think about it.

If I may ask, why is he working in JHB now?
How is the overall communication between the two of you?
Is there really a non sexual spark in this “relationship” or has it always just been only about sex?

Do some thinking first then ask some questions and do some more thinking before you blatantly blame yourself for what is going on at the moment.

There is more to this problem and the key is in the last parragraph of your post ...... ????

"Of course my bf is totally impossible to talk to, he goes totally on the offensive and does not want to hear about anything."



Reply to Nikkits

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