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Question
Posted by: Donna | 2004/02/12

I lost the man of my dreams

I dated a wonderful guy for almost 3 years i really loved him very much even though i never felt comfortable to say it as he told me he was not sure if he loved me. I then met someone at work and broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. The new guy was still going through a divorce and he has 2 children of his own. We met in September, moved in together in December and now 1 year later we have a 4 month old baby girl. I can't stand him sometimes because I have a daughter from my previous marriage and it seems as if he is going out of his way to treat her differently. He is good to us in a lot of ways like always making sure that we eat every day but sometimes he makes me feel as if i am inferior and i hate that. He says that he loves me very much but i think his love comes with conditions. He wants her to call him daddy but she told him that he is not she is at junior school already and constantly asks me why i broke up with my previous boyfriend and i know now that i was a fool to let him go. The damage is done now as he is getting married soon and I have a new baby. When we broke up he told me that he had always loved me but was afraid of hisfeelings, What can i do to get over him i am hurting so much and don't think that i will ever be happy again as the time i spent with my ex boyfriend was the happiest time in my life. He hate me now for hurting him and still does not talk to me, I am so confused what can i do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Donna, you will indeed never be happy again, so long as you refuse to allow yourself to be happy again. Looking back on past relationships, we often fool ourselves nto thinking that they were far more blisful than they actually were. If you were all that amazingly happy --- who would you have chosen to break up with him ? You decided to break with him, and badly hurt his feelings. However, he has been sensible, and has moved on with his life and is preparing to be genuinely and, we hope, persistently happy.
Stop trying in any way to interfere in his new life, and let that relationship fade into your past history. It is over. Follow his good example, and move on with your own life. Stop trying to talk with him and leave him and his new wife and child in peace. Now attend to you current relationship. Have you only been using this new guy, with whom you now have a child ? Why not concentrate on making this relationship work ? The grievances you describe are relatively petty and should be easily soluble with good will, and maybe with some marriage counselling. Stop trying to run away from your problems ( or, in this case, also running towards your problems ), and deal with them.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/02/13

Dear Donna
I guess the saying that "you never know what you have till it's gone" rings true in your case.
I have learned that sometimes the best way to love someone is to let go - not because the love inside them died but becuase they'd be happier if we let them go. It hurts and it's hard but the sooner it happens the better you'll feel and the sooner you will be able to move on and truly enjoy your life.
Good Luck.

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/02/13

When you broke up with your ex he was definately not the man of your dreams - remember? What has changed in the meantime?

It does not mean if everything is not going 100% your way in a relationship that you now must abandon it for a previous relationship where you did not experience the issues and pressures you are now involved in? Surely you knew what you have let yourself in for when you moved in with your current b/f?

You cannot run away from your problems - rather face it and deal with it. Leave the ex alone - he is not really your dream man - you are only remembering the good times you had with him without the complications of kids and a family to take into consideration,

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Jenny | 2004/02/13

You broke up with him remember? So now let him be. He deserves happiness. Seems that he has moved on with his life,it is time your you to move on with yours.

Reply to Jenny

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