Posted by: Cindy | 2007/02/26

I live in an unnatural situation: help

My first marriage ended when my husband had an affair with another women. We divorced when my second child was only 2 months old, I later remarried a wonderful man and we had a baby together. But: wherever I go, I get the most terrible hostility from my husband's 2 daughters from his previous marriage and also from my ex-husband's new wife, the lady he had the affair with.

I really feel victimised, especially by the two stepdaughters, I tried everything in my power to get them on my side, bought presents, always friendly etc. But this weekend my husband and I went to the video store, the baby waited with my husband in the car and I went into the video store. Incidentally, the two stepdaughters and their mother was in a coffee shop outside the video shop and the eldest one, 19 years, ran to my husband's car and took out the baby and took the baby inside the coffee shop to show her mum.

When I came out, I did'nt see the baby and was startled. I took the baby and put her back in the car seat, greeted the girl and went home.
When we got home, my husband's cellphone rang constantly. It was the two daughters who told him I was nasty to them, which I was not. They are trying to make him angry towards me. When I'm alone with them, they don't even answer me when I talk to them and they constantly give me hateful glances.

I cannot go on like this, my husband says I'm overreacting.

I feel I've suffered enough in my first marriage, why must I end up with the two stepdaughters from hell?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe you're trying too hard, on your own, to make the stepdaughters like you --- your new husband must do more to make it clear to them that they are expected to treat you well, and that of coruse his divorce was in no way your fault. And your ex's new wife --- do you need to have any contact with her at all ? She has no basis for being unpleasant to you, but don't give her the opportunity to do so.
Your husband is being naive in believing his daughters, and not recognizing their mischief --- maybe some sessions with a family counsellor would help sort all this out.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shae | 2007/02/26

Cindy, at any stage have you and you new husband sat the kids down and told them that you are all in this together? His kids are in their teens already and one is entering adulthhood which tells me that he was with his previous wife for a long time. The lids could possibly see you as the reason there family isnt together (whether its reasonable or not) and hance the negative vibes. Also, they may feel like outsiders, they see you, your husband and a new baby together and somehow feel that they have been replaced. it cant be easy for them and the may feel like they're losing their dad. He needs to tell the that this could never be and they are his kids and he loves them, it just that things didnt work out with their mom but that does not change how he feels about them and they can and will never be replaced by anyone, ever.

As for your ex-husbands new wife - thats just her guilt shining through. It takes a nasty person to cheat with a married man. She may just be extremely insecure and unerstandably so, if he cheated with her then he's capable of cheating on her.

Reply to Shae

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