Posted by: Dee | 2005/11/22

I lied - might end tragically so help

After my very happy ending yesterday - I was driven to confess to my hubby about something I had done - a very bad thing.

My mom had given us R5000 to give to our financial consultant to invest. He was away so the money was just sitting there (in cash). My hubby went away on a rugby tour and we had a whole lotta guests (I think I mentioned in a previous posting that this is becoming an ENORMOUS problem).
Well, with all the peeps at our place - I needed to do some extra shopping cos I was out. I tucked into the money - initially just R200.

Well, as I said - I'd been going through a rough time over the past few weeks/months so somehow, I went a bit haywire - the next thing I knew - I had blown R3 500!

In a fix - and feelign horribly guilty I just couldn't bring it up. Last night I mustered up the courage and told him
He was DEVASTATED and so shook up about it. I don't know how the hell to make it up to him. Strangely - I am not too concerned (just feel numb). I feel like I was a complete other person when I spent the money - cos I was in a bad way.

Any suggestions???

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Our expert says:
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Well, it's unfortunate, and you need to admit it to all affected by it and work out a plan to pay back the money you owe. Its hard to understand how, or on what, you could have spent so much money so quickly. But it would be typical of someone on a Bipolar high.
I hope there's nothing funny about this "financial advisor" either --- good ones work with banks and similar institutions, and would not expect to be paid in cash. It all sounds very peculiar.
"Retail Therapy" is of course no therapy at all, and merely an excuse for over-spending on stuff you don't really need. And the good feelings are so brief as to be ultimately worthless.
And your huband must remember that this all began with extra unnecessary spending on all of his greedy guests.
And your response to Dude suggests a very much sicker misunderstanding of your actions. It WAS stealing. Your mother gave you no money at all to waste the way you did --- she entrusted it to you to give, intact, to someone else for a completely differeent purpose. You took it without her permission. And you don't seem to have had any plan for paying it back --- that's stealing.
Retail Therapy is an excuse, not a condition, and so you did NOT "use" the money for any good purpose. Do you really think your mom would be delighted to hear about this ? And you DO plan to tell her, don't you ? If you don't mean to tell her, that sounds like you recognize that it was wrong --- if it was such a good idea, you'd be proud to tell her.
Giving what you did a pretty name ( liberated"? ) is evasive, and not facing facts, which won't allow you to solve the problem properly. NOBODY is being in the slightest bit "judgemental" in calling it stealing. How I hate the way the word "judgemental" is used to try to forbid anyone from ever criticising bad behaviour. No wonder our society is crumbling into moral chaos.
As Trouble says, what you did was WRONG. being Bipolar isn't a blank cheque excuse for doing wrong.
The purpose of calling a spade a spade isnt to stop you gardfening ! It's so you face acts and start to heal and put things right--- and I have every confidence in your ability to do that.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Dee | 2005/11/22

Thanks folks - over and out!

Reply to Dee
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/22

Well good luck Dee.
Building trust is not easy.

Breaking it only takes 2 seconds....

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Not a Chance | 2005/11/22

I take your point - and I'm sure I would feel differently, had things been handled correctly. My only advice is to be straight out with him, and honest - ensure that he knows how accountable, and miserable you feel - and figure some way of ensuring that he understands that it will NEVER happen again. Are you going to repay the monies...? Maybe this will ensure your being pardoned..? I'm not so sure that you stole -you recklessly spent, and must now be held accountable for it - simple. You can't expect to be let off the hook - you are obviously concerned about the amount of money - or you would have swept the whole thing under the rug. Best of luck

Reply to Not a Chance
Posted by: Dee | 2005/11/22

Thanks Delene
And I think - like Jemma - my husband is also showing signs of being supportive. i think he's realised that I kind of 'snapped' and maybe he was not taking my condition over the past few weeks seriously. Well - this was as bad as it got.
I also think that by taking POSITIVE steps as I have begun to - he sees that I am trying. He was quite chuffed that I've started gym and that I went all out for our little dinner soiree.
I have faith in him - and I WILL make damn sure that he can trust me and have faith in me too.


Reply to Dee
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/22

You did wrong YES

I told you
no way getting out if you are wrong.

Just be humble bout it Dee, forget about judgemental people, but be very very humble towards your husband....You stole the money!!? SO expect sum sort of fight. But just keep quiet, be sorry...let him fight....
i am sure he wont let it destroy you. Not now!!!
I'm happy that you did tell him about it afterall. It does show that you want to make your relationship work with a good honest base from now on.
SO yes, that was in the past. And maybe he also did a thing or two that he aint proud of.
have faith!!!

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Dee | 2005/11/22

Two steps forward, ten steps back...
At the end of the day - it can only be me and my man who can figure this out. Not sure what his capacity to forgive is although he is a helluva compassionate human being - but I think I have learnt my lesson BIG TIME!

Stealing is just such a nasty word though - I'd rather say I 'liberated' the money and fully had the intention to return it every step of the way.
well - its done though. never thought of myself as a thief during all of I feel quite kak as they say.

Reply to Dee
Posted by: Trouble | 2005/11/22

Dee, face the facts, you did WRONG. All these people here tell you, if he loved you, if this, if that, bottom's STEALING and I wouldn't be able to forgive my woman should she steal from me, where is her respect for me if she did...marriages, relationships are based on trust. No trust, no future.

Reply to Trouble
Posted by: Dee | 2005/11/22

Dear Not a Chance

I really take your point and what you've just said is really what my fear is about. IF she DID tell you about the money she blew - do you think you would have forgiven her somehow?
And - as you understand bipolar - do you always feel in control of your financial issues? Have you never been irrational.
I am asking sincerely cos I am looking for a way out.
Won't grovelling create disrespect rather than an honest-to-goodness apology?

Reply to Dee
Posted by: Not a Chance | 2005/11/22

Sorry Ladies - I have never really forgiven my wife for the money she blew, or used to settle her debts that she just slightly overlooked when we got married ( MY savings!!)- and in her case NEVER ever told me about. I worked it out on my own - the money just dwindled. You are all quick to recon that he will get over it. Well I've news for you - he is just as human as you - and an elephant really forgets! The trust is ruined - will take years to repair - and forget it, been on Bi-Polar medication for years, so you can't pull that one on me.
All I'm saying is "Don't under estimate men - we have the same feelings as you Ladies", wer'e not made of stone! Youv'e mucked up - grovel and hope he eventually forgives you. Cheers

Reply to Not a Chance
Posted by: Dee | 2005/11/22

You guys are Faabulous!
I went out for lunch feeling quite down and then I came back to this and I feel SOOOOOO much better,
I feel I do need to respond to Dude even though he/she is a prick.
I do NOT consider it stealing from my mother cos she put the money in my care to give to somebody else - I did not STEAL it - I used it (for retail therapy:-) and it was a matter of not asking my husband for money to go shop - but just tucking into money we were responsible for and obviously WE WILL REPLACE> Its about my relationship with my husband and with money and trust DUDE - nothign to do with my mom at all.

Anyway - back to my real support group. I think you've got me covered and I thank you dearly.
There is a solution after all...

Reply to Dee
Posted by: Jemma | 2005/11/22

Hi Dee,

You mention that you feel numb. You don't feel numb you feel relieved as if a big load has been lifted from your shoulders.

I also had some financial problems and it took me 11 months to tell my husband. He was so understanding and he fixed everything for me. I started crying and he asked me why I cried because he was going to fix everything. And I said I cried because for 11 months I could not get myself to tell him and now I see how easy it was to fix.

Don't worry, you guys will be okay. Just don't do it again.

Good luck.

Reply to Jemma
Posted by: Dude | 2005/11/22

iz north an south ma self... no excuse to b a f u c k up if uz ask ... wud probably break it down in simple terms ... its all bout mood not stealin uz old ladies cash that she intrusted in uz an all uz give a shyte about is uz hubby... i don think its right 2 steal from uz mom ...

Reply to Dude
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/22

there is very little that dude actually does understand i realized......not even worth to read any of his posts

Dee, yeah, he will trust you again.

I have the same issue now. not money
but it has to do with trust.

Yeah, honestly, they'll get over it!!!!
relax, not too much, but things will work out fine.
it wasnt other men, we were not hell, no one is perfect!

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Friend | 2005/11/22

Dude, surely you don't understand bipolar.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Dude | 2005/11/22

gee shame uz poor hubby got 2 know ow unrealiable uz r ...


uve stolen from ur own motha ... an everyones jus concerned bout ur hubby ... maybe if uz hubby az any brains eez probably thinkin the same thing...



Reply to Dude
Posted by: Friend | 2005/11/22

If your husband really loves you, he would understand because of the following reasons:
1. This behaviour is in fact typical of bipolar - you could not help yourself. If he does not believe this, look for articles on Bipolar on the internet - it is really true.
2. The extra guests in your house has done 2 things - first it has put an enormous amount of stress on you and secondly they used up a lot of groceries and other things in your house.
Admit to him that you have done something wrong, but that he please must forgive you and keep these 2 abovementioned factors in mind. Write a letter to him explaining your feelings and buy him something nice like a bottle of wine and chocolates/biltong etc. Good luck.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Sasha | 2005/11/22

There's no better fix than retail therapy. I would have blown it all.

Reply to Sasha
Posted by: AAA | 2005/11/22

If as you say you have been on a positive tip? lately,,,, then you man should be happy for you and if it cost R5000.... think about it.... MONEY WELL SPEND!!!!! We all like going mad with money once in a while....... you only live once. And if a bit of happiness is all you have to show for it at the end of the day.... then it was worth it.

I'm by far not a wealthy person (breadwinner, husband is a pensioner) and sometimes I get home and found that he spend the grocery money on something else..... but you know I so much enjoy seeing the excitement in his eyes as he shares his happiness with me or love watching him "playing" with whatever he spend the money on.... that it really does not matter.

Trust????? deeply embedded in a loving relationship... and should not be moved that easily


Reply to AAA
Posted by: Dee | 2005/11/22

I suppose what devastated him - is that it took me three weeks to tell him. The money was not just my responsibility but his too.
Obviously - we Do have underlying issues cos of the effects of my PND and Bipolar etc issues coming to the party - but I have been on a VERY positive tip lately and I just thought I needed to get this out of the way.

By the way - my new motto is: There is a solution...
Deep down, I know we will resolve it - but, things are so sensitive right now - and I am so afraid this will tip the scale.

I am going to take the advice - that money is just money and suggest to him that now that its done - lets make a plan.

What about trust though?? Can I convince him that this was a once off transgression.

Reply to Dee
Posted by: AAA | 2005/11/22

R5000 is really not a large amount and after all it is just money. Your relationship is hopefully not build on the amount of money in the bank.

Why would this DEVASTATE your husband? What's the big deal. YOUR mom gave it to you.... sure deciding together what to do with it would be nice.... but now you did not, so what..... Gosh if this destroys (tragic end???) your relationship then its clear that you have other problems and money is not one of them.

Reply to AAA
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/22


I think, and HOPE, this is one of those things as well that feels to you bigger than what it is.

I was and still am in a situation yesterday with my hubby that i also thought "oh my soul, will it ever be the same again"
and my hubby is DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!!!
he takes soooo long to get over the slightest thingy's
he is too sensitive blah de blah

Truth is, when they are hurt, dissapointed & when he just dont like me for that moment, it is what it is, its just for that moment.......

SO when you are wrong, like i was, and i think you were too, just appologize, and be the least. and dont fight and justify your actions by blaming him AT ALL...(us woman like to do that)

And after a while, he will calm down.....and then you guys can work on a plan TOGETHER to work it out.
R5000 can be made not the end of the world.

Stay the strong & positive one now.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: aaa | 2005/11/22

Eish, why not pay it back?

Reply to aaa

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