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Question
Posted by: sandy | 2004/01/15

i just want revenge

i'm a devoted xian that's been going out wit a man that emotionally abused me & i.stuck around him as a loving honest g/friend only to be tossed off for another woman...i don't know what to do,one part just wants to pray that God helps him & forget about what happend cause i still love him ..the other part just wants to revenge for the things he did to me knowing what kind of a person i was.. i tolerated alot of stuff hoping that he'll change, but the truth is i changed from a naive girl to a bitter woman thinking about ways to make him pay.he doesn't even want to see me to talk about how i feel & i know that if we can talk this over,id feel better....how can i let him know how much he's hurt me without taking any drastic steps

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

sandy,
You sound like a pretty normal person. But abuse is generally the abusers fault, and you shouldn't blame yourself because he treated you badly. Of course you feel hurt and betrayed, and thoughts of vengeance are natural, though apart from religious beliefs that it is not your task to act on such thoughts, in practice i also doesn't work out and is not as satisfying as you might imagine it to be.
And it is pointless to wait around for him to change --- people like that take a long time to change, if they ever do, and they are encouraged NOT to change, when someone sits round accepting and forgiving. It's one thing to say turn the other cheek --- but even the Bible doesn't suggest you should turn the other cheek 10,000 times. Not enabling an abuser to recognize that what they're doing is wrong, and protecting them from the natural consequences of their bad behaviour, onl;y encourages them to continue.
You will be very well rid of him, as there are far nicer men out there, far more worthy of your love. Let this guy learn, on his own, that hurting people is wrong --- you didn't manage to teach him that essential lesson, maybe someone else can.
meanwhile, leave him behind and move on with your own life.

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Our users say:
Posted by: J | 2004/01/15

The problem I have with women like yourself is that you say "I tolerated alot of stuff hoping that he would change". People dont really change - they are who they are - and if you tolerated it then you only have yourself to hold accountable. You cant now want to have revenge on the man for being the way that you allowed. He treated you badly and you accepted it - why so bitter when he carried on his behaviour?

Learn your lesson and try being a good christian. Walk away.

Vengence isnt yours.

Reply to J
Posted by: Nobull | 2004/01/15

If you're really bent on revenge then tell him that you're pregnant (from him) and never want to see him again. That should put a damper on his fun for a while.
In the meantime, get over the relationship it. It happens to most all the time. Move on. There are many sharks in the sea. How do you manage to still love someone who jilted you?
Good Luck.

Reply to Nobull
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/01/15

Forget about him and move on with your life, the hurt and pain in our lives often cause us to be bitter and angry at the whole world, at the end of the day it is the way that deal with these knocks that makes you the better and stronger person. Good Luck

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: T | 2004/01/15

I think what you mean to say is you're a devoted CHRISTIAN. What concerns me about your posting is that not once have you mentioned how vengence is NOT ours.
You sound really hurt and betrayed but what you're failing to accept is that as "devoted" as you are you need to forgive and ask yourself "Is this guy worth having in my life", if in the long term you can see that things are too deep to brush off the surface move on.
I wish you the best!
T

Reply to T
Posted by: SEH | 2004/01/15

I have just comeout of the same reltionship and this went on for 3 years and I know how hard it is. You constatly ask yourself questiond like why was I not good enough what could I have changed but the truth is that it is not you that needs to change. You are a woman of worth and you need to believe that and it is so hard to just walk away but that is what you need to do you need to walk away and know that you will find someone who will love a cherish you for the wonferful person you are! The hardest part is to accept who you are and be comfortable with that. Let go of the anger, it wont do you any good. Its ok to feel what you feel but work through dont give him the reaction he's looking for.

Reply to SEH

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