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Question
Posted by: Penny | 2006/04/06

I just feel helpless

Background to my story for better understanding :
I'm an african woman who grew up in a poor family in rural areas
-My parents are illiterate and used their livestock to educate me and I finally graduated.
- I had this dream of making life easier for them as soon as I get a job due to the sacrifices they've made for me.
-I built them a house in the area where they live as they have no intentions of living in urban areas.
-I supported them financially. And they are easily satisfied people who do not demand anything from me at all- All I do I do out of my own free will with a clear and willing heart.
-I met a man ,fell in love & we got married. We discussed my parents and he knows that none of them is working, they depend on the state grant.
-I met a monster ( a demanding mother in law). She demands money from us, she forces us to do things. She has a good job, been working for over 20 years , owns properties, cars etc yet she is so demanding.I have a big suspicion that my husband is scared of her mom. For Chris's sake he's 34 and I'm 32.he falls in with whatever story his mother suggests. We spent money on stupid renovations in his mother's house because she says "it's our home" . We have our own house which we recently bought which we need to look after as well. My problem is :
- Hubby only wants money to come out when it goes to his mother
- He always sulks and ask a lot of questions when I feel like sending some money to my parents.
- I just feel like crying when I think that my parents live on a meagre government grant and I cant even send them a cent without feeling guilty.
- I earn more than he is and he even checks up on my bank statements etc and go through them with a fine tooth comb.
- We dont have combined accounts but each one of us has access to another one's account.
- I " stole" some of my money and sent to my parents to fix a leak in their house. Hubby noticed and I had to lie. I hate lying for my own money. Why do I have to ? We always fight when money goes out to my family. I sometimes wonder whether this marriage is worth it , if it means I must neglect my parents . Apart from this he's a wonderful husband. I just wish we stayed together and never formalised our relationship bcoz I cant afford to lose him yet I hate what I'm doing to my parents. this brings tears to my eyes everytime I think about it . His mother rules him, he wants us to report everything to her, if we are sending money to my parents we must let his mother know, I'm sick of this . I dont owe her an explanation on how I spend my money - yet he has this obligation towards her. I know my mother in law does not like me that much but if she can stop pushing me to far I'd tolerate her but right at this stage one would' swear that "we are competing against each other for him " What can I do ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Your love for and support of your parents is wholesome and good ( and fitting both old traditions and modern thinking, too ). The demanding and greedy mother-in-law is NOT --- she is merely greedy, and you need to calmly talk this through with your husband, that she has to learn to be less demanding and less greedy. She is rich already and needs nothing from you --- she's demanding because she gets a dirty little kick out of the power play involved. Insist on sending money to your parents, who need it and deserve it, and oppose wasting money on the greedy woman, your MIL> And tell him, that if he requires you to neglect your own parents to please a greedy woman who has far more than she needs already, there is no point in the marriage. he is behaving as though he were really married to his Mom. Keep your own earnings in a separate account, and feel no guilt at helping your parents --- and refuse to cotnribute a cent towards Old Greedy.
You owe her no explanation of anything you do, let alone with your own money. With a woman like her, I'd feel rather proud if she didn't like me.
Any money going out of your family towards parents, should not even be split 50/50 --- it should go according to their need. Your parents are needy, not greedy ; his mom is greedy and needs nothing.

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Our users say:
Posted by: monks | 2006/04/06

Hi Penny

I feel so sorry for what you going thru,i suggest you sit down with your husband and tel him how this money thing hurt you inside otherwise you are heading for divorce...both of you should have an equal monthly limit that you both give to your parents..i know need of every month are not the same but for the sake of your marriege...or otherwise no money must go out for both your families....

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