Posted by: JZ | 2003/12/09

I have a similar problem like Closely monitored!

I am by nature a quiet person. The kind that just listens when others talk, and only answers when questioned directly. Since early in my teenage years I feel more comfortable talking to males, and my husband detests it! When we met, he asked about me not having lady friends and I told him that I’m not comfortable in women’s presence, because all they do is gossip (sorry ladies – but I know – because I have tried to have female friends). We travel with a lady who works with him, and everyday I am asked why I don’t talk to her. Surely greeting her politely is enough? Don’ get me wrong, because if they talk about work, I comment and then it is as if I am intruding (gmph)
Why should I still have a conversation when we have nothing to talk about? Like I asked her on Monday about the soccer game, and she answered like she did not know what I was talking about! That he did not notice.
Another thing is that he has a problem with my weight – but when we met I was the same! I have the same slim figure even after four children – he is the one who has a beer belly and put on some weight (because of my cooking he says – but he still criticises my cooking). Now he says people might think I am HIV positive, because of my weight. Does he want me to have a test (because I was sexually abused at my previous employment several years ago) – but with random bloods taken during my pregnancy 3 years ago, test came negative. So what does he want from me? He is the one who comes home late or stay out all night, then he says people who have affairs do it during the day. What is his problem then??

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Our expert says:
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Dear JZ,
Let's see what our other readers have to say here. It does indeed sound as if he is being unreasonable. with all the people around who are so darn keen to talk, I'd have thought a listener would be welcome. And with the men who complain that their wife is gaining weight, why can't he be happy that you're still as slim as when you married him ? Maybe he's irritated by other stresses, maybe not even to do with you, and is using these silly issues as an excuse to peck away at you rather than facing the real problems, at work or wherever else ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Al | 2003/12/10

If my husband told me my food was making him fat i would let him make his own food. I woun't lift a finger for him i would only make food for me and my children, he can starve for all i care and as for working late it's bulldust he is lying, all the blaming he does is because he probably had or still has an affair and is looking for away out of your relationship. Don't give him the satisfaction let him suffer. He is ungreatful. I don't have any lady friends only my husabands friends (male) and i get along fine with them, if they bring there girlfriends with i'll talk to them but i'll rather go clean the kitchen or just get something just to avoid talking to them i even do the same when my sister in law comes to visit us, he started fighting with about it and eventually stopped because he knew i wasn't going to stop avoiding them.

Reply to Al
Posted by: Lindi | 2003/12/10

Sometimes men get jealous if women are successful or if we get attention from other men and definetely, the complaints have nothing to do with you. He has a problem and he can't deal with it hence he finds someone to blame for everything. What I can suggest is have faith in yourself and tell yourself that whatever criticism he brings to you, you will introspect and if it is not building you up you won't consider it. But be strong and don't let your husband bring you down. Know that you are wonderfully and beautifully made and there will never be someone with your characteristics. Be proud of yourself, give yourself compliments and hold your head up high. You can do it!

Reply to Lindi
Posted by: Softy | 2003/12/09


I have many female friends, am also a quiet person and a good listener especially in a group where I have nothing to say. I can really relate to you. I want to comment on your husband. Mine eventually cheated on me after 15 years of marriage. He started criticising me after our first child was born. He suddenly had this issue with my weight (I got stuck with 5kg extra), also criticising my cooking, my hair, my clothes etc. Hhe did'nt bother to be friends with my lady friends' husbands or any one else for that matter. He always had lady friends in his business with whom he socialised and I had nothing to say to them! In return he was jealous when any man like to make conversation with me........As I said he got himself a thin, sexy, younger girl that was everything I could'nt be, so he had all these "reasons" to blame me. Believe me, this HIV test has nothing to do with the real thing, he just wants to find as many reasons as he can to put the blame on you, my dear!! It the test will be negative (as it will definitely be!) he wil shift to another 'thing' . You must stop him in his tracts before it is too late, but there I can't help you! Good luck!

Reply to Softy

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