Our expert says:
I nderstand your frustration. But in fact if you can switch your impulse to control things, from things which are not useful to control, to things that can control your illness, you can become stronger and more content. Take the meds as prescribed and recommended, and work with your expert assistants, and give everything it's best chance to work --- this is where you can gain most useful control of things that mater.
In-patient treatment, if it comes to that, is erely a tool to use, if needed, as part of the broad process of gaining control of what actually matters, and giving up the pointless pursuiot of control of things that are not controllable.
For clarity -- there aren't enough hours in the day --- to do WHAT ? Spending more time achieving less, is hardly a great idea. Turn your manipulative skills towards wholesome aims ( and the CBT could help here, rather well ).
Have you notived that you don't trust the meds recommended for you, though they have been carefully developed and researched to prove them useful in situations like this, yet you choose to trust the self-meds like alcohol and caffeine, though no research shows them as useful in your situation, and much research shows them as unhelpful. And research findings ought to appeal to your urge to control situations.
You're caught in the old dilemma of someone who rigidly sticks to a "solution" they have fixed on, and the more it doesn't work, the harder they do it. Sometimes with such things, less is more.
Work closely wih your psychologist and psychitrist to achieve what you need to ahieve, and you can regain the person you used to be at your best, and maybe a bit better, achieving well but not at a cost that undermines other important aspect sof life
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