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Question
Posted by: Bitch | 2005/12/13

I get uppity when "mom-in-law" visits, why?

Hi. My g/f (of about three years) and I have been living together in a two bed flat for more than two years. Her mom's not in a good financial situation (she rents a room in a flat complex) and is certified bipolar. There is nothing wrong with her apart from not being able to sit still for long periods and speaking my ear off on occasion. On Saturday, the g/f decided that her mom would stay over this week. Because I've got a friend coming to stay from next Saturday until the following Monday, I agreed - it's only fair. But I immediately felt sullen and have been miserable ever since her mom arrived. I thought I could blame it on PMS, but that's come and gone. I am now in the bad books of the g/f for not spending quality time with her mom when she was working late last night. I had decided to visit a friend (who lives in the same building).

I think I'm worried that she will eventually ask her mom to move into our flat. We have discussed it before and agreed that it wouldn't be so, but things change. Her mom has two twin boys (9 years old) who hadn't seen their dad for a few years. As their mom is certified, she can't care for them permanently. They've been in foster care or children's homes for most of their lives but they're now living with their father (after he eventually came around). He's having a tough time though. The buys have turned out to be more than a little rebellious/naughty. They completely stress me out when they visit. Now, their dad gets stressed out and calls my g/f, who then relays the info to her mother, and they both get stressed out. This is one of the reasons why my "mom-in-law" is visiting - to get away from this situation - as last weekend, her ex simply dropped the kids off with her without warning because he "needed a break".

My g/f says I made her and her mom feel like sh"t when I chose to visit a friend rather than spend time with her mom last night and that "now she knows where she stands with me".

There is never any drama like this in my family. Am I being totally selfish to other people's needs and disrespectful of the adverse situations that some people can encounter in their lives?

Am I living in my own little dreamworld? Where's my empathy?

I feel bad that I don't make more of an effort with her mother who is really a nice person.

I work in a high pressure envorinment and am often very stressed out.

What's my problem? Do I have abandonment issues?

Tell it like it is...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You weren't being selfish or unempahetic ; maybe you both felt uneasy at the thought that there could be pressure for mum ( and the awful kids ) to move in, and didn't realize perhaps that mom was feeling particularly needy. But surely she came to visit her daughter, not for you to babysit her.
And working in a high stress environment, you probably look on your home as a sanctum of peace and quiet, and feel imposed on when this is invaded by anyone else.

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