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Posted by: Fallen | 2004/10/19

I get knocked down...

Dear Doc,

I've been going through a really bad patch recently. I'm a level-headed, feet on the ground girl, but it just feels as though I'm getting more than my share of knocks lately. Just as I've picked myself up, the next sumbling block comes along and I'm back on the floor again. It's worrying me that the knock could be such a small issue, but it's impact on me is rippling. I am in councelling at the moment, but I find myself closing up more than what I want to talk. I've also reached to friends for help, but I'm so embarrassed about it. Now they're clucking around me as though they're on suicide watch. I just want all the bad things to end...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Fallen,
You can tell the quality of a person, not by how often they might fall over, but by how often they get up. Bad things happen in all of our lives, and at random intervals, which doesn't mean all equally separated in time ; at times there's be a pile of several of them almost at once. The more we have to deal with, the more difficult we'll find it. The wise person seeks and works with help when they need it, from friends, and from a counsellor, as needed. Don't allow yourself to close up when with the counsellor, which is like keeping your mouth firmly shut when visiting the dentist. And discuss this aspect of the priblem with him / her.
As for the friends, I doubt that they only care when you're in difficulties, but this may be the time when they show their caring most obviously.
And take inspiration from Zena's amazing story.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ec | 2004/10/19

Zena - how inspiring! Your story gave me goosies as well and JM is right about life being a rollercoaster - we're all in the same 'boat' though each story is relative to the teller thereof.
Fallen - hang in there and trust that 'this too will end' and your life will go on. Try to stay positive in your thoughts (not easy!!) and don't give negativity a space in your life......things will be better.
good luck!

Reply to ec
Posted by: JM | 2004/10/19

Zena,

Your posting gave me goosebumps and tears in my eyes. I am so glad that things are going better in your life.

Fallen

We all go thru these emotional rollercoasters where we feel the world is against us. It is always difficult to deal with and everyone deals with it in their own way.

If I may ask, have you been for counselling

Reply to JM
Posted by: Fallen | 2004/10/19

Wow Zena, I'm sorry to hear that all those things happened to you. I'm happy that it's had a good ending though.

That's what I meant by everything and nothing. It feels as though everything that can go wrong right now, will. In a week's time, I feel so embarrassed because of my self pity when I realise, hey, this is nothing. I guess I just wish I could find a way to deal with it better rather than going through these self hate and the world is against me feelings...you know?

Reply to Fallen
Posted by: Zena | 2004/10/19

I want to paint a (not so pretty) picture to you this morning:

4 yrs ago, after 13yrs of marriage, I discovered that my husband was having an affair. For 9mths we went through absolute hell, from one councellor to the next, while he drank himself stupid and became more abusive by the day. Eventually I left him, only to go through another 8mths of drama, with him threatening suidice, abducting my child, destroying my furniture, disrupting my workplace, refusing to sign the divorce papers, etc.

Through all this, my mother supported me. On 27Jan2000 we finally got divorced. On 10Feb2000 my mother died of cancer (which she knew she had while all this was going on, but never confided in me because she thought I had enough to deal with as it is). With her death, I lost not only a mother, but a mentor and my best friend as well.

In April 2000 we were informed that the company I worked for for 9yrs was going bankrupt, and I lost my job. Now I had no husband, no parents, an ex that politely left the country and wasn't paying any child support, and no job. College diploma in spite, I ended up as a cashier at a supermarket to support myself and my child.

In December 2000 my house was burglared 3x in 6 weeks. They took absolutely everything, from the food in my cupboards to the clothes in my closets, my tv, my microwave, ornaments (yes, that too!), and what they couldn't take, they trashed. When I moved at the beginning of January 2001, I had only the barest of necessities left.

Now you can imagine how depressed and stressed out I must have been at that stage. I was seriously concidering suicide, just couldn't see how I was ever going to get my life on track again and provide my son with a proper home.

One evening in March that year my dearest friend insisted that I spend some time on my own to relax and "refresh", as she put it. She came to pick up my son at 7, brought me a bunch of flowers and a bottle of lovely expensive perfume, chatted for a few minutes and left.

At 9:30 (I was relaxing in a nice hot bubblebath) I got a call from her husband. There was a terrible accident 8km from their house. Thankfully my boy was not hurt, but my best friend died that night.

Now I REALLY wanted all the bad things to end! I just couldn't cope anymore. The hospital decided to keep my son for another 24hours for observation. I left the hospital in a state which I can not really describe to you in words. I wasn't angry anymore, I wasn't hurting, I wasn't feeling anything, just a complete, unnatural calmness...

I was sitting in my car at 05:30 that morning with my pistol on my lap, watching the sunrise and saying my goodbyes, when a car stopped beside me. This stranger, which I have never seen in my life, walked up to the car and said "You shouldn't be doing this, there are people out there who really care for you".

Well, to make this long story short - we got married a year later. He provided me and my son with a happy, stable home and I have never been this happy in my life. My motto today is: THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT THEM.

Good luck, God bless.

Reply to Zena
Posted by: Fallen | 2004/10/19

Thank you Sarah.

It feels like "everything" is wrong when I go through it, and then later on reflection, I realise it's "nothing". I don't know if that makes sense? At the moment, I'm really struggling coming to terms with a relationship that has turned very nasty. He promised me the world and then gave me the "But we're just friends line". I told him that didn't work for me, but he heard just what he wanted to hear. While his ego blew up, my self esteem took a massive blow. Only recently he realised the extent of "damage" he caused, and now he's harrassing me, trying to soothe his guilty conscience.
Before that, I had to deal with being raped. I made the decision to not report it becauseI felt so ashamed of myself. I've never been the kind of person to get myself into situations that leads to being raped. But it happened, and I've tried to deal with it. But it's still haunting me.
And then my friends...however much I love them - why is it that they only seem to care when I'm going through a bad time? If I don't make the effort with them they won't suffer the loneliness I go through - they have their boyfriends, who they can't spend a minute without. Yeah, I know I sound bitter, but I'm going through the fall again. Ironically, it was just this weekend that I had picked myself up.

Reply to Fallen
Posted by: Sarah | 2004/10/19

Hi, why don't u tell us what's bothering you ?
As to your friends, they're just showing their concern and that they care, even if it feels a bit stifling to you.
Although from the little which you've mentioned I have to be honest and say that i admire you..you get knocked down, and manage to get up again after each stumbling block...that's tenacity, despite it having a negative effect on you.

hope you have a lovely day.

Reply to Sarah

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