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Question
Posted by: nokuthula | 2019/09/09

Dating a man with HIV

I found out that i am dating an HIV man after 1year 3 months. I love him so much, I am just angry with him for hiding this till now. Should i trust him after this secret he kept form?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink
- 2019/09/09

Hello Nokuthula,
Obviously this will be a person decision you will make, but I suspect many readers and other women in your situation would be more than angry and would seriously consider ending such a relationship. AND have HIV testing done urgently, and consider stopping sexual activity with him until you have decided what more to do about this.
Couples don't always disclose to each other everything in their past ; such as previous relationships, personal problems, and so on,  But they usually do disclose more within a relationship lasting over a year. And those secrets usually can't kill you.
Personally, I could not justify someone being so selfish and inconsiderate as to keep their HIV status secret before starting an intimate relationship with someone else.  You need to know the HIV status of any potential sexual partner so as to have the freedom to choose to abstain rather than to run any risk, or at least to take full precautions including using condoms very carefully and having frequent blood tests.  He denied you the chance of doing that, and didn't allow you the chance to make a free and informed decision for your own safety.  How can one see that as loving or acceptable ?
The other important point you raise is : if he could lie to you ( and hiding an important truth is effectively a lie) about something this important, can you trust him to be truthful about anything else ?
What do readers think ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2019/09/09

Untrustworthy, selfish pig. Why do you care about whether you should trust him again sis, bigger issue is that he knowingly put your health at risk for his own pleasure. He doesn't really love you, if he did he wouldn't put your life at risk in such a way. You should show him where the door is.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2019/09/09

Hi Nokuthula Feeling the way you do is understandable and will not judge you for that, all i can say is that as much as i don't condone his actions i understand your man's situation also. Disclosing one's status every time takes a lot out of a person, mentally and emotionally, especially when you have no idea how the person will react, from my own journey what i have learnt most men don't easily talk about this or disclose. As an HIV Positive woman, I know I tried by all means with my relationships to disclose as early as possible, but it doesn't always happen as sometimes one can pick up from the conversation how a person thinks about HIV positive people, there is still a lot of stigmatization and lack of knowledge creates the biggest fear in people. I can tell you from experience that there are some time in the past where i disclosed to some men, share the knowledge about PEP should an incident happen and the person looks as me without saying anything, only to find out later, that the same person i told about my status already knows his and what i was talking about is what he knows. Your decision is entirely up to you, the question you should also ask yourself whether this person has taken all the necessary and reasonably practicable measures to protect you, if he has and you love him enough to want to keep the relationship, be open to talking to him about this, his fears, challenges and any learnings you can get with regards to this. Do own research, you can even go as further as seeing a professional (Doctor) yourself to understand the challenges of being in such a relationship. if not, leave the relationship. I've had a partner who loved me to bits although we separated we are friends now, he was honest enough to tell me he can't be with me because of my status, although it was painful in the beginning, i understood and could see his fears, but i have lots of respect for him for telling me that as much as he loved me, he is finding challenges with my situation. I don't think trust is the main issue here, what if he was HIV negative but had hidden information that he has a child or two or even a wife so to say, would you still be as angry, of course. would you give him a chance, probably. HIV negative or positive we all lie at some point, to protect ourselves or even protect others but that does not mean one should not be given a second chance. I hope whatever decision you make, gives you some peace.

Reply to Anonymous

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