Posted by: Mantwa | 2008/11/06

I feel so all alone in this world???

I see a very good Psychologist in JHB... she is good. Yet somehow I feel after Ive seen her for one session, have offloaded everything... more things happen before my next session-that really make me more miserable.We' ve agreed that I will take prescribed medication should over the counter suppliments dont work...well.I have a husband who told me the other day he thinks he doesnt love me anymore but cant live without me... maybe because Im taking care of him financially.He is a spoilt mother(^& 69^.He doesnt care what happens...I dont know why am I still with him?I take care of everything.I go through up to my last cent that I end up with no money at all... not even a R2 on the 10th of each month.Bt I dont mind because Im actually doing it for my daughter.I dont know what he does with his money.I dont ask him bcs Im scared of him.I have a granny that I take care of. I dont want to stress her with my life besides she lives far from where I live. My mom passed away when I was still young.A brother who is starting his life so I dont want to bother him. My dad - shame - he had a breakdown when my mom passed away so yah! No family. Have always been me, my brother, mom and dad. Ive always been the pillar for everyone.Everyone comes to me for anything - I dont mind helping,but when it comes to me... people just back off. Lord... I dont know why I have such a soft and forgiving heart... but I know its for a reason.
Im always at the struggle to make ends meet.I try.But I dont seem to get things right.I dont live beyond my means but there is always something that comes up and it needs my attention.I take care of everyone and no one is taking care of me.I live like a single mother and a widow(as my husband is dead as much as he is alive).I mean I still take my child to school even if the father is at home...he does nothing,only when he feels like it.I know I want a divorce.Just dont know where to start.My worry-my daughter.I know she can sense that theres something wrong with think it will affect her?I love her to bits...Im just worried that Im more to myself - I have a lump on my throat all the time...cant cry infront of her or at work. I wish I can go up the mountains and scream... or simply live this country with my daughter and nanny and start a life somewhere else :-(.
Maybe I need to cry,I just dont know where though...Im just sad sad sad all the time.I feel soooo all alone in this world...

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Our expert says:
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I don't understand what your psychologist isn working on with you, if these issues you mention here are still troubling you. Its one thing to provide for your daughter's neds, but quite another to pay for a husband who spends all his own money on himself. Why can't he take care of the major esxpenses, rather than you leaving yourself broke ? You need to discuss these problems and options with your psychologist, rather than more airy-fairy issues. Consider divorce and examine the pro's and con's --- the child would probably be better off with a happy and independent mom than with a deadbeat dad around.
What is your good psychologist doing, if not dealing helpfully with these very issues you raise here ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Cassie | 2008/11/06

Dear Mantwa

You have to take control of your life it will be hard but you will be able to do it once you tell yourself it' s enough. Put yourself first I used to be like u with a mother who was abusive and still is I am a grown woman but I used to let her ridicule me in from of my friends, my kids and siblings. I thought I needed a mother I needed to be in good terms with her as she was never there for me as a child.

Until I told my self it' s enough I need God' s favour in my life and no one else. I told my self this is my time I am taking control of my life I only have one life and I am not gonna let anyone make me unhappy again and guess what I am at peace like won' t believe I have problems but overall I am happy in my house we never fight I am enjoying my self I don' t stress about anything.

So sister take your life back you only have one life and the decision is yours alone. Leave your husband u don' t have to divorce him maybe separation will make him appreciate you.

Good luck

Reply to Cassie
Posted by: Mantwa | 2008/11/06

Ow my... I dont know what to say. I cannot thank you more CS and MySixpense. You are God sent... I cannot thank you enof. I will share all these things with my psychologists... we have to come up with a plan.l know I am over this man... I just need to find a way to stop it all up...from happening again.
You guys have opened my eyes. MySixpense - Im glad to know that I am not alone here and I will get through it all... I appreciate it.
Yah... CS you are right with everything... I think I know where to start... thanks a mil :-)
Stay Blessed!

Reply to Mantwa
Posted by: MySixpense | 2008/11/06

I can' t even ask how you are ousie. i can read all about it.

Let me say that I understand the pain of being there ofr others and no-one caring for you. I am sure it is the reason why you won' t be able to cry. Because you have to be strong for others. Sometimes you feel like somebody could stand up for and take a heat for you  yet that never happenes. I know that  I' ve been there. I went through hell for 9 years and for the past two year I' ve been trying to figure out how to make a big cry about it all. I can' t! I do not have capacity for that, while life needs taking care of.

Not any longer. I may not be able to cry. I care for those who care for me, now. It took me CBT type counselling to understand why. It has to do with all my upbringing  learning to take care of others from earlier age. Your life comes last - always. Not anymore.

I can' t say I really have friends. i am enjoying my life alone. I am at a position that Peter Senge says is " Letting Go"  in order to " Let come" .

I realized that people do not take care of me because I do not take care of myself. I value and appreciate myself more now. I do not let anyone or anything to take precedence. I couldn' t expect love when I couldn' t even give it to myself. That would have been foolish of me.

You have taught or trained your husband to treat you the way you have. CS is right, you need to break the cycle. You need to leave the man or marriage you have right now. Be with yourself and the daughter and appreciate yourself and her more. I promise that you will find it hard for any other person to take you for a ride, including the so-called friends that you caring for and yet they do not return that.

However, you may not be ready to pick you things and leave now because CS or myself suggest that. It has to be your decision. It has to be the right thing according to yourself. It has to be what you need to do. You have to know and be comfortable about the possibility of a new better life outside your existing life. Then you will break the cycle. Hence I support the suggestion to work on such possibilities with you psychologist first.

Finally, on your own and with the help of your psychologist, dig deeper for the reason you are allowing for the lief that you lead. Why do you find pleasure in helping others? Why can' t you say when some emergency arises, why cant you say that " I do not have money, now. I have not budgeted for you my friend (or whoever)" ?

Sometimes, other people hide behind helping others as a way of either hiding behind the fact that they themselves need help (they want to be seen to helping other and therefore no one would think that they do) or as a call for others to see, reach out and help them (calling for help). Which one is it ofr you? Ask the psychologist help unpack and figure that out.

Good luck

Reply to MySixpense

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