Posted by: Angie | 2007/04/16

I dont want to do this anymore

THis is my second marriage. My husband's third marriage. He is 41 i am 29. He has two children from other marriages. His first marriage he has a 16 yr old son that lives with us. His second marriage he has a 5 yr old daughter. I have a 7 year old from a previous relationship. We have a 11 month old boy together. We do fight alot - because of his ex-wife ( the 2nd one, she is only 25 yrs old ) SInce we got married she has been very 'clingy". she has told my husband she does not want me to go with him to fetch hi daughter as i am not friendly towards her. SHe is doing things that are not affecting our marraige. We have been married for just over 2 years. Every time i want to leave - my husband send me a ( by email ) a summons that will be served on me. I have 3 different copies with 3 different stories in it. My son does not live with as my husband is rude to him. So he sometimes comes and sleeps over by me on weekends. His eldest son has cause plenty of problems between me and his father. He has told his father he hates me ( probably cause of the fighting ) my husbands accepts this. I just feel like i am never going to have my husband to myself - as the ex is always there ! I knew he had 2 ex-wifes, but never know it would be so hard. His first ex-wife does not bother him. Every time i get a copy of the summons, he tells me he wants joint custody. HE will fetch his son every 3 rd weekend from a nutral point at 9 am and bring him back at 17:00. I am so scared he will try and take my son away from me. WHat do i do ??

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Our expert says:
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Gosh, sounds like a very complicated situation. Am I understanding that between you, you have FOUR children, each with different parentage ? His ex is behaving unjustifiably --- she has no right at all to expect you to be friendly towards her --- she is not part of your life, nor you of hers. I don't understand the issue of sending summonses ( or threatened summonses ) by email. With his unstable background, I don't see how he could expect to receive custody of your shared child, especially not to expect to raise the child with one of his exes or some new woman. DO get proper legal advice to be sure of your rights.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Angie | 2007/04/16

Minkie the thought has crossed my mind that the two might be back together again - GOd forbid i should mouth her ! My child do come first - but this man he thinks he knows eveything. I do love him, but i cant carry on like this anymore !!

Reply to Angie
Posted by: Minki | 2007/04/16

The fact that there were already 2 ex-wives when you married him, should've got the warning bells ringing and red lights flashing!!! Your husband is abusing you mentally and emotionally by threatening you with summonses he e-mails to you! You must remember you and your children come as a package - if he cannot accept your kids then you will have to make a decision whether or not you want to live with a man who will eventually alienate you from your child from your first marriage - you actually do not need this crap in your life - the clingy ex-wife (are you sure he is not involved with her again - hence the sudden "clingyness"??) Your child (at 7) is still very young and will feel rejected and if you don't stand up for him, will feel that you have rejected him too and will probably start feeling very resentful towards you too and will not want to spend time with you. I as a mother cannot imagine living without my child - you are damaging your relationship with your child - it is so obvious that this man is a manipulative, cruel, vindictive bastard - he has taken you away from your one child and threatens to take your baby away from you too! It's not as simple as all that - he must prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you are an unfit mother - maybe you should start thinking about what is important in your life and that of your children - rather be in an unhappy marriage because you are scared he takes your baby away from your or be alone and be happy and be able to live with your 7-year old too! Think about it - you owe it to your children - this man's track record with women speaks for itself - he is not a stable, loving person - the kind that you deserve. I hope and pray that you sort this out to the benefit of you and your kids - don't waste too much of the precious time that you are losing with your son! You are his mother and he should be with you.

Reply to Minki
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2007/04/16

Your husband who you live with emails you when he wants to tell you of very serious matters going on between the two of you? I find it disturbing that whenever you express your unhappiness and desire to exit the relationship, his response is not to sit down and talk it out but to serve summons on you.

There is a very desperate need for counseling in this relationship. There are several things that need to be resolved. Firstly both of you come with significant baggage which I feel you perhaps under-estimated when you first got together. Stepfamilies can indeed work but not only did you two have step family concerns, you also have the dreaded 'jealous ex' issue lurking in the background.

Your battles are alarmingly numerous. His teenage son does not like or respect you - and you say your husband accepts this. Chances are he always will as what matters to him is blood. This argument (that blood means everything to your husband) is bolstered by the suggestion that all he wants to do is have access to his kids no matter what hurt he puts the mothers thru.
Your 7 yr old cannot spend proper time with is own mother because of your husband hostility. This little boy is going thru a lot. From what you say, the only reason he cannot live with you is because your husband is unpleasant to him?

This is something I have said many times to my sister (who is in a very similar situation ) and I will say it to you and to any other woman married to a man who will not accept her child/children. A rejection of your child is a veiled rejection of you. Repeat - a rejection of your child is a veiled rejection of you. How any mother can stand to live with a man who considers her child an inconvenience and a bother to be eliminated from the beyond me. That child or those children are your flesh and blood, carried lovingly and borne of your body. They have your eyes or your smile, your sense of humour or your type of hair - and the man who professes to love you rejects them openly? As a woman in such a situation, ask yourself very serious questions about what kind of love this man must have for you. A rejection of your flesh and blood is a veiled rejection of you. This is especially true where the child has done nothing to warrant such hostility and is being rejected for nothing but their very existence. I would immediately exit any relationship or marriage in which my child was not accorded proper status - but that is me. That is me and I battle to understand why it is not so for other women. I happen to be a single mother and I come with a 4 yr old toddler. Take it or leave it; thats my stance. It is a non-negotiable - if you reject my child guess what, I'm going too. You knew I came with a child so do not try and manipulate the dynamics now that you have made me your wife.

Onto point number three which is that if you and your husband go your separate ways, there is no need to worry too much that he would disappear with your child. If you look at his track record, it is not that he is insistent on removing a child from his or her mother, it is that he absolutely wants access to them. If he says he wants, as you say, access once a month, then this is not an unreasonable request. You could negotiate for this to be supervised access, if u really have reason to mistrust him. However you would have to explain to the courts why this should be the case. He has not abused or threatened his child so they may not agree you should necessarily be there. Joint custody is a fair offer. He is saying 'you can keep the boy but I want to see him.' The courts will accord him this right.

I am not surprised the 25 yr old ex wife is very clingy. The maths I am doing says she met your then 36 yr old husband in her teens, married him quickly and had a baby - all by the age of 20. Then this man - her husband and protector and provider - let her down and destroyed her dreams. I am not saying she is being reasonable. I am saying she is a hurt young woman literally left holding the baby after meeting the proverbial dashing older man. She sounds both hurt and angry and is likely to remain so until she has been counseled/has come to a point where she has accepted she has lost her husband and her dreams of a nuclear family very early on in life. Her position of pain and desertion is what is making her see you as the enemy. It is what you represent and not you as a person that is causing her hostility.

Pls urgently consider counseling for the both you and hubby. You two need to be very very honest about whats going on between you. Explain that you expect respect from his teenage son. Mind you teens always find it hard to respect a stepparent only a number of years older than them and teens are ofcourse notoriously judgmental. Try not to blame yourself too much for his attitude.
It would be sad for your hubby and you to both go thru the trauma of a divorce again so I hope you work things out - but only if there is something worth fighting for. See if you can both discuss it like the adults you are, preferably with a counselor's help. Yr husband seems to be distant and impersonal, his way of 'loving' is rather clinical, unfeeling. This I think is one of the underlying causes of your pain.

However for me the bottom line - and greatest cause of concern - is his failure to accept your 7 yr old. To me that is a major siren going off. You cannot get back the time you have lost with your son and in fact it seems a general lose-lose situation - you are being denied time with your son and you feel trapped in an unhappy marriage. Where is the joy in all of this?

I hope things work out

God bless


Reply to Foxybrown

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