Posted by: Unsexed | 2008/06/04

I dont like sex

Dear Doc

I have been married for 8 years to a really great man. He is good to me and for me in every way. His 'faults' are minor and I do really love him so much. The problem is this. I really do not like sex. He is not a bad sexual partner. I also have orgasm every time. It is just that I never feel in the mood and could live very happily without sex. That is not fair to my husband as he enjoys sex. He does not put pressure on me - sometimes I wish he would because I leave it for long stretches. I have had a physical checkup - nothing is wrong. There is nothing my husband can do or not do to get me more in the mood. The problem is not him at all, it is me. I get so irritated (guilty conscience I suppose) with all the sex on tv, ads etc. You would swear everyone is having sex 24/7 which just make me feel even worse. I am a good wife in every other way except in the frequency of having sex. And just incase you think I am exagerating - 2x a month is average.

I was molested by an uncle as a child. I dont want to talk to anyone about it. It is done, I dont see him ever and it is many years in the past so I am over it. I do not think of this issue before or during sex. I do not think it plays a role. I often read about how molestation affects you later, that is why I mention it, but I really dont think is has affected me in this area. I am hyper vigilant about my own children's protection, that is my legacy from it.

What can I do to like sex more. I dont like the candles and roses approach - it just puts preassure on me.
We often play a game ' if I could change anything about me....' and my wish is always to be to my husband in the bedroom what he is to me.' I must do something though - so what do you suggest?

Nimfo wannabe

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Our expert says:
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SOme of us have more, and some less, libido ( the interest in and desire for, sex ). Life events may influence this, but we are indeed born with different degrees of natural libido. ANd when someone with a low libido marries someone with a high libido, there's a need for consideration and compromise. From what you say, you have orgasm, presumably a pleasant experience, even though you wouldn'\t mind if the occasion didn't arise, as it were.
Its important to discuss this together, perhaps with the aid of a marriage counsellor, and he needs to know, as you say, that this is not about him at all. You are right that your earlier experience of molesation may indeed not be playing any role in this ; but then again it might. Without any connection that seems obvious to you, you may have responded by "switching off" your interest in sex in a protective manner, or at least with that intention. And you are clear that you would LIKE to be more sexually interested and keen. COunselling / therapy would be the way to go, not pre-judging any issues, but exploring, understanding, and perhaps modifying responses that have become an unhelpful habit.
And as a.m. points out, if you were truly over it, you wouldn't mind talking about it. And I also like her point about getting THROUGH such experiences, rather than "over" them. It's a more constructive approach. And though what your uncle did may have been disgusting, what you did was not --- the disgust is owed to him, not you ; and no therapist would think anything bad about you. You were a child, and not responsible for what happened. You have taken too much responsibility for it, and he took too little. And Maria ( as usual ) makes a vital point --- its not at all necessary to go through all the gory details, but its your reactions to it, the conclusions you have drawn from the experience, that matter, and should be open for discussion and revision, so that they are more fruitful for you.
In response to your later point, you could also be getting caught up in a paradox --- you cannot command someone ( or yourself ) to be deliberately spontaneous. Its spontaneous or its not. But behaving as though you want it ( i.e. making the behavioural change first ) seems often to lead to wanting it ( i.e. the attitudinal change following the behaviour ).
Something bizarrely reminds me of the old Scottish joke about the newly-wed couple who sat up all night waiting for their marital relations to arrive.

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Our users say:
Posted by: I love my wife | 2008/08/12

All you ladies whose husbands love you and do not like to have sex with him...beware. I love my wife but she falls in the same category as you gals and after a couple of years I have given up. I use pornography as well as call girls and other to satisfy me 3 to 4 times a month. I do not care anymore.

Reply to I love my wife
Posted by: TP | 2008/06/05

Maybe ur man is getting it somewhere else my dear....a man cannot do without sex believe me.He acts all understanding at home knowing that his desires are satisfied!If u go on like this sisi,u will lose him"ur great man".MARK MY WORDS.

Reply to TP
Posted by: E.S. | 2008/06/05

I also hate the whole "sex sells" concept. It makes me virious. Where has the respect gone?
Unsexed, I have sympathy for you, 'cause I'll be quite happy to live without sex too.
My psychiatrist told me very boldly that I just need to make the effort. Even if my bf and I don't have sex, I should take the time to satisfy him in some other way.
I hate it when I can detect an expectation, like the candles you talk about, but even the more subtle. Just his body language. And I feel BAD.
But luckilly we have talked about a lot, and he realy has tried to understand. And it helps a lot that I realy love him. It's not just sex. We are realy making love. And I just feel só good afterwards. But he makes a point of holding me afterwards and talking about the experience. I always feel scared afterwards. What for I don't know.
I realy haven't found a fool proof solution, but it helps if he doesn't jump me right away. I need to be kissed and touched a lot, in a non sexual way. I need to be able to relax first; spend five or ten minutes just talking and cuddling.
I realy hope you will be able to get some reward. I've had some bad experiences in the past. There was a time in my life I felt like I was the only vrigin in the world, and sex was just EVERYWHERE. Please try to talk to a therapist. It will help. And if you husband is willing, take him along. The support will do you good, and it will bring the two of you together on a much more intimate level.
Good luck. Keep us posted.

Reply to E.S.
Posted by: unsexed | 2008/06/04

From another planet - I could not agree with you MORE. I think one of the reasons it irritates me so much is that guys then think that is what woman want, and it is (mostly) not true. I also hate that all this sex everywhere puts it on my hubby's brain even more and I know I am not doing, so I feel more guilty and if I force myself then I feel resentful....But I do love my man and want to consider him and his needs as well, it is not all about me.

Reply to unsexed
Posted by: from another planet???? | 2008/06/04

To me sex is not everything in life. I have had no bad experiences in my past, I have not been abused, mentally,physically or sexually. I do have sex with my husband, which is very good, but can also think of a hundred other things I would rather be doing!!
Sex definately does not make the world go round although millions of people lthink so. You hear about sex in magazines, even celebrities sex lives are in the open, you get sex magazines, sexy clothes, tv adverts advertise sex, be it through a drink a choclate a carribean holiday, jokes are told about sex, sex shops, sex expos. Dear Lord is there nothing else that interest people other than sex. At work my collegues talk about sex, try and have a decent intelligent conversation with a group of people and it turns to sex.
Music has sexual connotations, go to a party and you will hear who had sex with who the next day.
Yes and most of the time that is all that men think about.

Reply to from another planet????
Posted by: Visitor | 2008/06/04

I have done a few things over the years - if you can get away for a night or have someone take care of the kids.
Psych yourself up even it its late at night - put the kids to bed, 4 get about the home, have a nice long bubble bath and think about it and what you want to do, even get some new underwear or something. It doesnt happen over night but your husband (who sounds great) will appreciate your efforts. My husband knows I deal with a lot in the day but the thing is if days go by and no effort is made thats when I know he is upset. To be honest I always feel happier and closer to him once the effort has been made.

Reply to Visitor
Posted by: Maria | 2008/06/04

Unsexed, let me tell you what happened when I finally admitted to someone why I didn't like men to touch me... a (male) psychologist who was helping me deal with depression. One of the first things he said to me was that I don't have to worry, he won't ask me exactly what happened. The detail is really not that important. What is important is that you deal with the feelings it left you with... don't be afraid of seeking help, nobody will blame you, it wasn't your fault.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Unsexed | 2008/06/04

Visitor, you are right in some ways in terms of kids etc, and hubby does help a lot. And what you said about having to make the effort, you are right and I want to do it, I just want to find a way to want to want to do it.

Maria and Almost mad, I hear what you say - and you could be right, but there is not a snowball's chance that I would ever talk to someone face to face about what happened. It's disgusting!!

Reply to Unsexed
Posted by: Sg | 2008/06/04

This is not a normal situation and rather unfair on your husband.You clearly have some unresolved issues from your past which you need to address by going to an expert in this field.
I wish you all of the best as I am sure you can look forward to lotsa good bonking in the years to come.

Reply to Sg
Posted by: Visitor | 2008/06/04

I think a lot of women are "lazy" when it comes to Sex. Dr James Dobson says in his book Solid Answers that once a woman has cooked dinner, cleaned the home, put the kids to bed, put the cat out.. who cares about sex! Whereas a man is different - no matter what he does at the flip of a light switch he is ready for action.
You dont like the candles approach because it takes effort. It sounds like you are a mom, probably work and are probably just tired to make the effort but unfortunately you need to. This is something a lot of women debate and complain about (read the parenting forum) but its a fact. It is an aspect in marriage that cannot be neglected. A man is made differently and needs to satify his desires - if they arent satisfied it could be a recipe for disaster.
To be honest I also hate making the effort, I am tired after a long day but once I make the effort I am always glad I did!!

Reply to Visitor
Posted by: almost mad | 2008/06/04

you cant be truely over it if you dont even want to talk to anyone about it. An besides, one shouldnt get over things, one should get through it.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Maria | 2008/06/04

Things that happen to us during our formative years can influence our attitudes long after the particular incident is past, and even though we don't think or talk about it. Often this influence is so subtle that it is very difficult to link it back, but the link is there. So even though you say you don't want to talk about what happened to you, perhaps doing just that could be the key to solving your problem. It could be that deep down you feel that sex is bad, or you feel guilty about what happened.

Reply to Maria

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