Our expert says:
SOme of us have more, and some less, libido ( the interest in and desire for, sex ). Life events may influence this, but we are indeed born with different degrees of natural libido. ANd when someone with a low libido marries someone with a high libido, there's a need for consideration and compromise. From what you say, you have orgasm, presumably a pleasant experience, even though you wouldn'\t mind if the occasion didn't arise, as it were.
Its important to discuss this together, perhaps with the aid of a marriage counsellor, and he needs to know, as you say, that this is not about him at all. You are right that your earlier experience of molesation may indeed not be playing any role in this ; but then again it might. Without any connection that seems obvious to you, you may have responded by "switching off" your interest in sex in a protective manner, or at least with that intention. And you are clear that you would LIKE to be more sexually interested and keen. COunselling / therapy would be the way to go, not pre-judging any issues, but exploring, understanding, and perhaps modifying responses that have become an unhelpful habit.
And as a.m. points out, if you were truly over it, you wouldn't mind talking about it. And I also like her point about getting THROUGH such experiences, rather than "over" them. It's a more constructive approach. And though what your uncle did may have been disgusting, what you did was not --- the disgust is owed to him, not you ; and no therapist would think anything bad about you. You were a child, and not responsible for what happened. You have taken too much responsibility for it, and he took too little. And Maria ( as usual ) makes a vital point --- its not at all necessary to go through all the gory details, but its your reactions to it, the conclusions you have drawn from the experience, that matter, and should be open for discussion and revision, so that they are more fruitful for you.
In response to your later point, you could also be getting caught up in a paradox --- you cannot command someone ( or yourself ) to be deliberately spontaneous. Its spontaneous or its not. But behaving as though you want it ( i.e. making the behavioural change first ) seems often to lead to wanting it ( i.e. the attitudinal change following the behaviour ).
Something bizarrely reminds me of the old Scottish joke about the newly-wed couple who sat up all night waiting for their marital relations to arrive.
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