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Posted by: enigma | 2004/10/29

I dont know what to do........

I feel so incomplete. I dont know if it is just me, or my partner making me feel this way. I dont know if i should stay with her, i love her so very much, but she makes me feel so insecure.
I know i am running in circles and confusing everyone, but its only because this is what is playing in my head all the time.
I am 27, successful, but dont know what to do. I have been seeing a girl for about a year now. I love her very much. In the begining of our relationship, i had problems with her ex phoning and trying to get her back all the time. This only stopped when i made a big fuss about it all. She lied to me about him calling, she said it was because she didnt want to hurt me. I left, and then she begged for me back. Know I am so insecure, its making me miserable. I dont know what to do. My moods are up and down.
I do love this girl very much, but i am so confused.........

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Our expert says:
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enigma, you make a convincing case for COunselling, here. To deal with all that insecurity and its effects, and to work on evolving more self-esteem nd a better way of handling such concerns with this or any other gf. And read carefully the characteristically thoughtful response from DG. And from Shaun

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/29

Hi Enigma,

Is your reaction to her behaviour maybe not making her hesitant about telling you things? It could be that coz of the way you react to certain stuff that she kinda keeps things away from you just to not get that reaction. Trust is... well just that, trust.
Do you think you would be able to say to someone, that look, I'll trust you, but with conditons? I don't think that is a safe option as it would always bother you whether that person is keeping the condition.
Seriously, if she really doesn't give you any reason to doubt her, don't! She "begged for you back" so I would say she cares for you a lot. If you really do love her then you need to also acknowledge that she may be her own person & would very much like to know that she can do what she wants to without your questioning her intentions. If there is reason to doubt, then get it out of the way & be done with it.
Thing is, insecurity is not very good to a relationship, & if you continue to allow it to get to you then it might very well ruin a good relationship.

These are my opinions, but I would also like to add that there have been numerous cases were ex's have become very good friends. Know why? Coz they realise that they weren't working together but decide to move on as they discover that they are much better friends than....

Take care,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: A | 2004/10/29

Hi DG - glad to see you're still here.

Reply to A
Posted by: DG | 2004/10/29

U know relationships are funny things, perhaps reflect what we ourselves feel inside. I think most relationships are there because we need to learn something from the other person. To do this you must find what is this person reflecting onto you. That would be you insecurities...now the next part is to find out why? Why do you feel insecure about this girl? Is it maybe some other relationships with other girls that you have had in the past? Or maybe she is giving you reason to be concerned. You must search deep inside yourself to find meaning. There is only one way to love and that is completely- with the possiblity of things never working out, with the possibility of breaking up. So what- if it happens it happens. Live in the moment- apreciated the things you share with this girl in the now.
Second of all- talk to her, I am sure she will be happy to talk back to you and proud of your ability to express your feelings. Don't make it an interrogation though- that will cause trouble.
Good luck- may you find the happiness that awaits you.
DG

Reply to DG

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