Posted by: Mthibhana | 2004/11/10

I dont know if i'ts reall over

I was arrested & my girlfriend supported me through the time i was in prison for 15 days & she bailed me out.Now when i got out of prison i saw a message on her phone from a guy who proposed her long time ago i asked her about the message & she was furious she said i mustn't ask her many things and we argued over this message and fought & she started by saying she needs a space to think about our relationship.What she told me is that she went to that guy just after i was arrested because of fustration & anger now there's no good communication between us its been 2 weeks we have a 10 month daughter pls advise is my relationship over or this guy is pressurising her to leave me what must i do to get her back i really love her.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

M, it';s hard to guess what the other guy might be doing or wanting. She did stand by you through the prison episode, which many people would not have done --- but it's not surprising that finding you in jail could have made her want to think more carefully about the wisdom of a long-term, relationship with you. And it's understandable that she could have been angry with you about getting arested, and, you not being available, went to someone she knew before, for some comfort and support. Why not tell her that you love her and want her back, and ten let her have some days of time to think through what she wants ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: a.c. | 2004/11/11

You cheated on her so suffer the consequences! You also have a criminal record and carry the stigma of being a rapist! Stop being selfish and think about the seriousness of the situation YOU put yourself in.
Have you thought of the impact this will do to you and your family's future? Who will give you a job? Who will trust you?
Who will want to be friend with you?

Count yourself lucky that she did not leave you, because she deserves better! The fact that she still supports you and stays with you means that she still cares but just confused.
Give her time & space to think this through - while she's still under the same roof. The last think you want to do is to alienate her to move out / kick you out.
Be patient, supportive, loving and work on regaining her trust. Dont act like a desparate and irritating boyfriend and put the issue of the other guy on hold for now. Concentrate on building a healthy and stable family environment for your girfriend and child. Good luck

Reply to a.c.
Posted by: Mthibhana | 2004/11/10

Kernel & Lulu i'm not sure if this is i wanted to hear but guys whay you're saying means a lot to me and gives me courage to persue my relationship with my g/f i really love her i dont want my child to grow in a broken home.Zeester i was arested because of rape(accused of rape) .Me, two friends of mine and other 2 girls 1 of these girls was my girlfriend we had some drinks the other night the next day in the morning the g/f of mine woke me saying that i'm treating her as my second best and she knows that i have a child with other g/f and i & my g/f we stay under 1 roof with our baby so i'm treating her as a second best & i dont love her.

I tried to ignore her just before she went out of the room she said that she wants my career to disappear and she want me to live in hell.The next day my friend phoned me telling me that police were looking for me and i went to the police station & that is how i was arrested and i'm out on bail.Do you think my girlfriend she's afraid that she might loose me or she doesn't love me anymore because of what happened.She still support me in anything lastweek we went together to do the baby's grocery and she still listens to me although most of the time she's angry at me what i can say or do to make her calm i've bought her flowers, i've told her that i love her many times, i've asked her to go out with me she refused but we sleep together we do talk but most of the time you can see that she's not in the mood and i'm afraid that this guy might take an advantage of her and use her.PLEASE ADVISE.

Reply to Mthibhana
Posted by: Lee | 2004/11/10

How can you say crap advise??

Ah Kernel is it? It says it all in your nick name..

Anyway how would you feel if your partner was arrested? He obviously has been in trouble more than once. Thats not fair is it on the other person. Everyone is intitled to their own view which is why this is called a forum or havent you see the word.?

Reply to Lee
Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/10

We've disaggreed in the past, but I have to go with what Kernel says here. (o;

Even if things between you and the g/f don't work out, your daughter did nothing to deserve a broken home. You say you really love her, so show her. Start with the communication issues. If you can communicate, half the battle is won.

It's up to you to prove to her that you regret your actions, that you have changed and that you will give her the security, love, etc. that they need.

Good luck and I hope everything works out well for you.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/10

No, you should not leave your g/f and daughter just like that for the other man as suggested by Lee - crap advice.

Now is the time to fight back for what is yours and really show your g/f that you regret your mistakes and that you are prepared to work on it in order to provide a good home for her and your daughter. Even if your g/f does not want to come back - don't give up on your daughter. How could anyone just abandon their loved ones?

The essence of this problem is to show your g/f with actions that you have changed and that you want both of them to be part of your life. Don't worry too much about the other guy - you can't blame her for looking for some support after the mess you have left her in - but do get out of the mess.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: zeester | 2004/11/10

I can understand your situation, and I know it's your private life, but if you can tell me why you went to jail, I may be able to give you better advice, but if you don't want to tell, I'll understand and try to help you where I can.

Reply to zeester
Posted by: Lee | 2004/11/10

You being arrested makes her feel insecure and probably betrayed. Why should she stick around with someone thats been arrested when she can be with a guy who has a calm life style? Its interesting how you cannot see that. Woman like to know that there men arnt running around doing eligal things. They want security. If I were you leave her and let her be happy with the other guy. Sorry but thats my advice. In any case you cant change a persons mind. If she wants him let her go and focuse on getting your life back on track. Then maybe she could come back later on.

Reply to Lee

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