Posted by: Anon | 2009/01/16

I dont know anymore

My bf and I met at a very bad time in his life, 2 months prior his fiance who was 2 months pregnant died in his arms. He was really in a bad space and we started off as friends. Many times he would call me and cry or even whilst we were talking face to face he would end up in tears. I on the other hand came from a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, i took a year off from dating, consulted a psychologist and tried to heal first before getting into something serious. I started seeing a couple of people, going on dates (no intimacy at all) but nothing was worth holdi ng on to until i met my boyfriend. He told me that when he needed a shoulder to cry on I was there and he fell inlove with me, I let all my inhibitions go and fell head over heels in love with him. We have since been intimate and even spent a weekend away together. Coming back from our holiday he started pulling away from me. We had an argument and he told me that he needed time out to sort himself out. He told me that he knows he loves me and that he wants to be with me but not at this time. I have tried to be there for him in all senses of the word. I asked him how long the time out was for and he told me he doesnt know, I told him that was unfair as I couldnt wait forever. Now the situation is where he has his timeout but we still talk on a daily basis but the things he says hurts and I think that he may not be interested anymore. Yesterday he looked me in the eye and told me that he doesnt need a gf and that he doesnt mind being alone for the rest of his life. He always compares this relationship to the one he had with his late fiance. Because of the timeout we are never together, even to the point where I attend weddings and work functions by myself. He says that he can see that I am there for him but he doesnt know if thats what he wants, What do I do give him the time to heal himself or just move on, I

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As I keep saying leaping into close relationships with someone on the rebound after the ending of another relationship, whether ordinarily or tragically, is rarely wise --- the person is vulnerable, needy, and may well deserve support and friendship, but does not need to plunge into another intimate relationship until the previous break-up has been worked through.
From what you say, you were both desperately neediy when you came together. Though it was wise of you to see a shrink, it sounds as though you had not finished the necessary work before you entered on this relationship. It sounds as though you may be moving too fast, before either of you are ready to handle the demands of greater intimacy.
What do other readers think ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Minerva | 2009/01/16

Wow, Shaz. You just pulled at my heartstrings. Thanks!

Reply to Minerva
Posted by: Shaz | 2009/01/16

Can I suggest something? as hard as that may be, you need to pull away from this one, you know the saying " If you love someone, set them free, if they are meant for you they will come back if not they were never yours"  I think this applies to you. This guy clearly has some issues he needs to deal with.You are willing to help him through it but he doesn' t want you there at the moment so , either he has not completely dealt with his loss and is on rebound. or he is just not that into you.

I always find it hard to believe when one tells their partner they need sometime to deal with their issues when that is exactly the time they would need you the most to help them deal with their emotions. For me it sounds like a nicer less hurtfull way to tell someone that you would like to keep your options open and see if you can find something better failing which you will come back. No one wants to hear that, so I guess this is a subtle way to say it.

Keep your distance and be firm. If and when he comes back let it known to him that you will only give him a chance if he is 100% certain that he wants to be with you or else don' t bother. Give him a long rope and in the meantime, keep YOUR options open, don' t want for him to decide if he wants you or not. That is the problem there!

Time waits for no man!

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