Posted by: Nicholas | 2005/11/21

I don't want to lose my little siister!!!


About 4 years ago my mom passed away from cancer,She left behind 3 sons and two daughters. My youngest sister, who is now 16 years old is the reason for this post. As the rest of her siblings are over the age of 25 now.

After my mom passed away my oldest sister and i where left to look after my younger sister. She stayed with my oldest sister up until last year October, when my younger sister asked to move down to Durban to stay with our father (who had devoiced my mom about 10years ago) at the time of my moms death my oldest sister and where the legal guardian of my little sister. But we decided to let her move to my Father as we believed that she should grow knowing him.

Up until last Sturdy my oldest sister and I where under the impression that everything was going ok with my little sister. Until my Dad phoned me telling me that my little sister wanted to move out of the house and stay with her boyfriend who is 19 or 20. i feel that this is the wrong choice for her to make, as she stills need to finish school and maybe attend college as a good education nowadays is not a grantee to a job but is essential for growing life skills, which a 16teen years does not have. My oldest sister and i tried to speek to her and let her understand that the chice she is making, in our eyes is wrong and will only damge any future she might have.

Any advice as to what i can do, please?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If she is still 16, and you and your sister are the legal guardians, your wishes probably count most ; the difficulty would be that she is in Durban and you are not. Obviously the idea of moving in with an older bf is daft, Maybe someone ought tom mention to him that sex with an underage girl could be considered statutory rape.
Mike may be right about how critical may be the way in which she is approached and the nature of any discussions with her, taking her own ideas into account.
Would she agree to postpone any such move ( there is nothign whatever urgent about it from any realistic point of view ) until after the Christmas holidays, so that you and your sister can have the time to visit and talk it over with her meet her bf, and see what can be sorted out ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: mike | 2005/11/22

16 is the legal age for sex in SA it's shown up many times in the sexologists site. I'd still like to know how close she is to 17, also her wishes will be most important without her cooperation things can quickly spiral out of control and she can put all involved through a living hell. I agree with cybershrink do not prejudge the situation, meet her boyfriend and get to know him, he's obviously going to be a part of her life until she chooses otherwise.

Reply to mike
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/22

At 16, is she allowed to make a decision like this, without the consent of her guardian?

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Nicholas | 2005/11/21

Thanks for your reply Mike, yes maybe you are right i should not let MY emotion cloud my jugdment, i sppouse at the end of the day it is her choice to make, and that i should respect and support her. It's just that am scrad for her and don't want to see her hurt. As you put it shes no longer a little girl but she'll always be my little sister :) but thanks it's nice to hear from people who have had the same problems. it sheds a differnet light an the way you see things.

Reply to Nicholas
Posted by: mike | 2005/11/21

Instead of starting a battle of wills which your younger sister will always win as the ultimate choices as to what goes on with her life are hers to make, support her. Let her know she can always move back if things do not work out, support her in her choices and be there to give advice when her choices go bad, not critisism. Who said you'd lose her, did she say she was moving in with her boyfriend and was quiting school and never wanted to see her family again? I doubt it. Fighting with a young person at this stage in life will do more harm than good, not only to family relationships but she may feel forced to make bad choices to prove a point that will effect the rest of her life. Do not back her into a corner, accept this new stage in her life and learn how to make the best of it.

Reply to mike
Posted by: mike | 2005/11/21

First of all she is no longer a little sister, younger maybe, but she is now a young woman and if you are failing to realize that it may be a factor in her decision. At this point as she is a young woman any decision regarding her life must include her input and cooperation to work. Wether you or your other siblings believe this is the wrong choice for her is not as relevant as to what she believes. Remember she's not entering childhood but adulthood and needs to be approached in such a manner. My own daughter moved out to live with her boyfriend at 17, finished school on her own on her terms, is working a good job, happy with her life, her and her boyfriend have their own apartment and she turns 18 in 5 days. She's proven any doubters wrong. Who said she would not finish school or go to college, trade school etc?She can do both, moving in with her boyfriend does not mean she does not have goals for her life, do you know what SHE wants and what her goals are? In the end that will be all that matters, what she wants not what others want. How long before she's 17, I'm sure she's just not recently turned 16 but time has gone by and 17 is approaching then 18 very rapidly. Time is on her side and it is her life to live, it may be time to let go and see what happens.

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