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Question
Posted by: DG | 2008/01/23

I don't understand...

I should, but I don't.
My boyfriend of 1 year left me. We love(d) each other very much, but it started off incredibly rocky, since I actually left a guy I was dating to be with him.
The unfortunate thing was I still had feelings for the other man and was still trying to process them (although I knew it wasn't right for us to be together, I still cared a great deal) the other problem was that I worked with this guy, and until I quit my job I was still seeing the man everyday, which made matters worse.
So obviously there was still communication, and I was trying to "ease" off the relationship to keep things civil at work, instead of just making a clean break which I should have done. (but a sensitive situation ok)

The man I fell in love with kind of understood, but never really came to terms with this. I felt at some stage that we should have taken a break so that I could process it all. I really felt it was right to be with him though. so I decided to stay with him and just "process" things on the sideline...
Obviously this was heading for a disaster.
There are so many factors involved I can't explain all of them.

I really grew to love this man and believed we were made for each other. We not only connected on every level, but it seemed our love would be strong enough to carry us through the storms that we faced. but things just got progressively worse - towards the end of last year we started arguing rather heatedly. both him and I got more possesive and jealous over each other.
then just before the end of last year he broke up with me, saying he "needed time". He said we needed to "fix ourselves"

Well this was a real shock to my reality I was devastated, and I didn't let go. (in hindsight I should have).
the last 3 weeks I have not stopped sms'ing or phoning him. I think what's also difficult is this all happened over the phone, and not face to face in a real way which makes it so much more difficult for me to accept.
Other problem is both him and I have incredibly "ups and downs" we both were diagnosed with depression, he takes sedatives and I was on Cipralex, which I stopped taking last week. I actually feel better not taking it, and made my doctor aware of this.

It actually got so bad this whole thing that he phoned me and told me that I was crazy and that we will never get back together, that I don't know a thing about love, that I don't seem to understand why we broke up (apparently it's not the fact that he's hurt by the whole things with the ex, but then what is it if he says he's forgiven me?? (he was very angry over the phone) - said that I need to see a professional. etc. and that I need to basically get the hell out of his life for good.
this hurt incredibly obviously (I'm telling this now from a rational point of view, but let me tell you I haven't been rational the last while)

I've realized now I have to just let it go. complication and what really hurts is that he has other "emotional connections" with women which is terrible to me because I was his best friend, and he doesn't want to speak to me anymore. he's even contaced a friend of mine and they've had long personal discussions over the phone... this really doesn't help my stress and anxiety.

I've lost about 4 kilo's and have realized I'm heading for a nervous breakdown.

Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A "nervous breakdown" is not necessary, but you should arange to see a good local counsellor / therapist, preferably of the CBT format, to work through these complex feelings. You seem to recognize a number of important bad decisions you made in the past --- with the therapist you can learn what needs to be learned from those experiences, and plan a more sensible and less vulnerable future

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Naloxone | 2008/01/24

Its time to be on you’re own and sort out you’re life. I also got dumped after December holiday. It’s not a nice feeling and it hurts bad..Especialy if you loved that person so much. But at a point you need to sit down and think hard. Even if it hurts so much..Dont go sit in a corner and cry for a month. Go out and do stuff. Have some fun. Keep you’re self busy. I promise you you’re friends will help you. And will be there for you. But before you go meet some new guy and think he is the one...start with friends and keep it there until you feel you can move on to more than friends. Hell I’ll even be you’re friend...just go and have some fun!!!

Reply to Naloxone
Posted by: Hope* | 2008/01/24

Childhood abuse can cause many emotional problems, one of them is perhaps thinking someone else can fill the missing gaps (meaning you are not feeling completely whole) something you should have received - such as protection, love, acceptance.....You dont mention what abuse you suffered. The point is, you have to make yourself whole again, another person cannot complete you, you have to find a way to find the missing links and give yourself whats missing. A psychologist can help with this.


Reply to Hope*
Posted by: John | 2008/01/24

It seems clear that you have a lot of issues that are not resolved - I am guessing that this is what you refer to when you say 'process' things? - and it may be a good idea to get some counselling to deal with these matters before embarking on another relationship. A shrink would most certainly help you deal more effectively with your childhood abuse (low self-esteem is something you do not HAVE to have, as a consequence of anything) and this may well deal simultaneously with the challenges you find in relationships and assist in being more effective at them in the future.

Reply to John
Posted by: DG | 2008/01/23

Yup, I know I was selfish.
and yes I do have low self-esteem issues. When you're abused as a child that tends to happen.

what you are wrong about is that I'm in the "habit" of being in relationships, or relationship-hopping. I spent lots of time single, and have also had a 5-year relationship which was eventually broken off amicably.

I understand the dynamics of rebound, sometimes life throws curveballs. I guess I made the wrong choices, and have broken a heart or two, but also had my heart broken more than once.

Reply to DG
Posted by: Mr Rockerfella | 2008/01/23

Hi,

Umm... well... that story sounds like mine... Im guy, met someone exactly like you... except I didnt do the breaking up.

The best thing is to leave it. What will be will be.

The only thing that I found out about this girl, is that she was SELFISH. Which is probably what you are, floating between relationships before they end properly...

I feel sorry for you. You probably have low-self esteem and have never been single in your life, you probably rely on guys for some odd reason...

Before you hop into another relationship, sort your life out first. Be happy with yourself, before you can be happy with others...

Do it before you break your or somebody else's heart.

Anyway, hope that helps


Reply to Mr Rockerfella

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