Posted by: sunflower | 2007/08/13

i don't know how to forgive

when people really let me down badly or hurt me very badly i don't know how to forgive them. the thing is i end up hurting myself in the process because each time i hear about the person all those old feelings come flooding back.

how does everyone else do it? my shrink helped me because she told me that i need to lower my expectations and also distance myself from people. well that has helped but what happens is that i distance myself to such a point that when people come back or if they do i have become so distant i can't even rememebr why we were close in the first place.

so how do i really let go?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Check out the forum archive for my many comments on forgiveness, s. What matters is NOT any inagined duty you might have to making those who hurt you feel better, but a type of forgiveness in which you release yourself from the bitterness and anger which continues to enable you to hurt yourself long after the person who hurt you has forgotten about the events.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Britty | 2007/08/13

Years ago I used to harbour grudges something awful!!! But I had to change my response to what I thought was nastiness from others as I was fast becoming bitter and just didn't want any friends at all. For me to forgive someone meant nothing to the person who had offended me but it made me very happy and able to move on. Forgiving someone was like giving myself the gift of happiness, closure and moving on, in other words the spinoff from forgiving someone benefited me. Good luck and take care.

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Posted by: FIO | 2007/08/13

Instead of trying to find out how to let go, try find out why you need to hang on? Why is it that you have this need to hang on to people, why you need to have them in yourlife, even if only as memories.

If you can understand what it is that makes you keep "contact", you can tackle that need, and replace it with something far more productive.

I also used to get very hurt when I heard certain peoples names, as it brought back all the things that hurt, a horrible reminder. Its almost as if I wanted to hear, wanted to feel the hurt again. Why? Because I had a need to be needed, and when people hurt me, it was a form of rejection. No-one like srejection.

It comes back to your own self worth, the way you percieve yourself. Do you really need recognition from other people, especially those that have hurt you? We all need recognition from other people, but one needs to differentiate between recognition from people who are worthy, and those who are not.

Redirect your aim, your focus. Stop trying to fight against hurt, rather understand it, and manage it through understanding. You'll find that although some hurt will never go away totally, you'll at least no longer be so debilitated by it.

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