Posted by: cindy | 2008/07/07

I cant take this anymore

a bit long but please help....

couple that we close with are having problems in their marriage. they battled to fall pregnant and when they did they had several miscariages. In fact a few months after we met them they had a miscariage and we were there to support them and thats when we also shared out own story of battling to conceive and from there since we had so much is common, we because very close.

they subsequently had another miscarriage and after that they decided to do iVF which was succesful and they have a lovely boy. the pregancy was not easy but with God's help they had their baby. doing all these we were there to support them in any way we could including financially. during the same time I also fell pregnant and had a baby boy. so as you can imagine we were all happy. our dreams had come through.

anyway it turned out that the husband was having an affair during the wife's pregnacy and as you can imagine we were all so shocked. anyway to cut the long story short, they decided to work on their marriage and are seiing a counsellor. I have always been there for the wife and have supported her though everything as she was really battling to deal with the husband affair.

I found out recently that I was pregant and a months later she found out she was pregnant. now the friend is panicking that what if the husband cheats again whilst she is pregnant.the wowan is constantlly calling me wanting to talk and as much as I try to help it does not work. she is worried that she will lose the baby and generaly she is in state.

I find that afetr talking to hear I am down and anxious myself. I also now worry about my baby and have been having nightmare about this. I realise that I am internalising her problems and making them mine. I find that fater talking to her I get depressed and I am begining to resent her. Also I realised that evertime she calls its about her problems and her seeking support from me but not once has she asked about me and my baby.

I feel like I can not be the same supportive friend that I was before and this is strange as I have always been the strong one and I guess the reason she comes to me is because of this. I find that I am now avoiding her calls and sms and feel the need to protect myself from her. I am very torn about this as this feels really selfish because I know she is really having a hard time.

what is your take on this and how do you recommed that I handle this. my husband was even commenting yesterday how we spends so much time talking about our friends problem that we have no time for us.

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Our expert says:
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It sounds as though you may be getting rather too involved in your friend's marriage and pregnancies --- all these issues should be dealt with within their mariage counselling and with their counsellor. Tell her that you are not wanting to be unfriendly, but are finding it hard to keep on trying to cope with her problems, as you are not qualified to domso, and she ought to be discussing these with her own shrink or counsellor.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Blue | 2008/07/07

Cindy, I am in a similar position, with our friends having serious marital problems, they expected us to be there for them, to listen to the moans and groans. My marriage was also going thru a very bad patch and so I pulled away from the couple completely. Only socialise in public places so that they are together so they wont fight in public. It also became very stressful as the husband would phone me several times a day just to 'chat'. It is very hard not to take sides in your friends relationships, but theirs sounds like it is very negative and instead of asking you for advice about her hubby and his possible cheating while she is pregnant, she should be seeing a marriage counsellor. Rather slowly cut ties with the couple so that you spend more time with your hubby and make a rule that you wont discuss them or their problems. You are going to have to think about yourself and your baby and your marriage and look after them. You sound like a wonderful caring friend, dont let anyone take advantage of that!

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