Posted by: C | 2007/04/29

I cannot accept a man in my life...!

Pls help. I am 29 with a son of 3. I left my sons' father a year ago, have been living on my own with my son and pets since. I have a stressful job but it pays well, I am in the middle of a court case with my sons' father who is demanding ridiculous access and refusing to pay more maintenance, I live over 60 kms away from my beloved brother and my best friend, and I am in the middle of a relationship that I thought could work. I am starting to realise that the problem is me and not them. I feel suffocated, pressured, and stressed out. He appears needy and seems to love me too much - where I do not feel the same. I despise the way he treats his kids - he is VERY strict and they can barely breath without being in trouble. To top it off - he has THREE kids that live with him! He has tried to discipline my son, but I flipped out. I am not a relaxed mom but I do believe in letting kids just be kids, and he does not. He expects too much from kids, as he expects too much from me. He gets upset if I do not pay attention to him, but I am splitting my attention between an incredibly rough job, a court case, my son, him & his 3 kids - plus a home full of pets that I have to run. I feel he just wants too much and I feel - AGAIN - that I want to be alone. This happens with every relstionship I have tried. I am starting to get a complex. There is nothing wrong with me - I am attractive, I dress well, I look after myself and I am intelligent and succesful - why can't I hold down a relationship? This one is now 2 months and the longest one so far, but I have had quite a few - usually they last 2 weeks. I just start cringing when they start wanting too much, and needing me too much. I even get annoyed when they call me at work or send me too many sms's...why can't I accept that this guy might actually love me? What is wrong with me? I seem to find too many things to find fault with....I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I feel as if I have no feelings. Pls help me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry to hear of this, C. I hope the people at the Maintenance COurt and Family Advocate are helping you to ensure that this guy pays the maintenance he is required to do. This new relationship does not sound as though it will be good for you or your son, and it sounds as though the guy really needs some counselling for himself, to sort out his neediness and over-controlling tendencies. There's nothing wrong with you or your appearance, but you may be, in one way or another, unwittingly selecting needy and difficult men. You have no need to remain alone all your life, but when the dust settles from these present problems, see a personal counsellor and strengthen yourself to be able to form the sort of comforting relationship you deserve.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2007/04/29

Perhaps right now is not a good time to start a new relationship? There is so much going on in your life, you are under a lot of stress and have many responsibilities. Why don't you rather conserve your time and energy, get the court case sorted and yourself and your son settled first. Sort out in your own mind what it is that you are looking for in a relationship and why you think your relationships are failing. See a counsellor (e.g. a psychologist specialising in CBT) to help you do this. It sounds to me as if currently you may be having relationships because you are lonely and worrying that you will be alone for ever. But you are still young, and life is full of possibilities. Why don't you try and make friends, find some people you can spend time with and relax without the pressure of trying to make a romantic relationship work.

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