Posted by: Help Me | 2008/10/01

I can' t take it any longer,I wanna die!!

I feel like i can' t go on any more.I have nothing worth living except my family,but even then i would be better dead.I hate myself.My ugliness,my smell,how i' m a disgusting,fat piece of shit who should be punished for the bad he' s done.I watch other people out there who look so normal,when i look so out of place.People seem to ignore me(not deliberetly)because i' m so invisible to them.Am i invisible to you?I don' t hate my mother but i wish she hadn' t brought me into the world where all that exist' s is this,shit world of having to show wer' e better than each other,compete,make other' s feel worse.I hate myself for getting my father into trouble for nothing when i was 12.I regret saying he sexually abused me when he didn' t but he shouldn' t have battered my mum.The bastard' s dead now anyway' s and i hope he' s suffering for what he did to my family but at the same tie i feel constant guilt for my mistake.Guilt,pain,anguish,hate are all i know and they haunt my dreams,these images of violence,torture and suffering that i hate so much.Drug' s are my only salvation but even they are starting to let me down.Is it normal for a 16 yr old to imagine rape,torture and then imagine his own suicide?Pain has become my confort,and i have become a compulsive liar.I lie to defend myself,much like what i did with my father.Causing my dad to drink himself to death,imagining his body lying on the carpet,puke all over the floor sickens me.I fantasise about having sex with children regularly and i feel disgusted with myself regarding this.Should i get a bit of rope or a gun and end my life,this pityfull waste of a life?Eagerly awaiting your reply!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I understand that this is how you feel, but you would NOT be better off dead, and nobody else would be better off if you were, either. I ver much doubt that ANYONE else thinks you are as awful as you seem to have convinced yourself. And you're also cheating yourself, comparing the inner you which only you know ( and which you are looking at with extreme negative bias ) with the outer view of other people, when they are hiding all their faults and fears, and trying to look good on their outside.
People may pay little attention to you nowadays, because they sense your dislike for yourself ; if in therapy you discovered the better aspects of yourself, so could they. This is a very remediable situation, with the right therapy. OK, false accusations against your dad were not a great idea, but in someone so young and distressed at his abuse of your mother, i might have been a tactic born of desperation --- and now, years later and after his death, marinating in guilt about it helps nobody. Learn from the experience and move on.
Many teenagers experience such feelings of desolation, regret, and guilt, usually, as in your own situation, feelings far in excess of what would actually be fair to themselves.
You did NOT cause your dad to drink himself to death. He was an adult, apparently an abuser and heavy drinker, and made his own decisions. You had reasons to dislike him and feel anger towards him, but he made his own decisions ; you did not control him or his fate.
Stop spending your time thinking about ways to harm and punish yourself. Think rather about ways of getting into therapy, whether privately ( depending on what your family can afford ) or through a state hospital or medical School. This situation can be sorted out with the right sort of expert help. You deserve help, and when you have sorted this out, you can make up for anything you think you may have done wrong, rather by doing good to others ( once you're strong enough to be useful to others ) rather than by uselessly punishing yourself.
Keep in contact on the forum and let us know how you can make things progress from here on.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Help Me | 2008/10/02

Hey everyone.I told my mum i wanted to see a psychiatrist but she wanted to know why,so i said i wanted tosee someone urgently because i was depressed.I know i shoulda told her everything but i don' t want her hating me forever.She already suffer' s because of me so i would rather hurt myself than hurt her,take the entire burden on my shoulder' s to save her' s cause i love her too much!But she' s found out i' ve been self-harming(cause of the ciggarette burn' s on my arm' s) and she was suprisingly quiet.I regret saying anything now.I' m getting an appointment next week(i really need one soon or i' m just gonna topple) but if my family look' s at me like i' m a loonie i don' t think i can take any more of it!

Reply to Help Me
Posted by: Ja | 2008/10/01

Theeeeere you GO!! Thats a good attitude! Be honest and true and EVERYONE will WANT to help you. Good luck!

Reply to Ja
Posted by: Help Me | 2008/10/01

i am going to say to my mum that i want to see a psychiatrist so i can sort myself out.Reading your replies has given me some hope .The only thing worrying me about the psychiatrist is,if i tell them all this that i have written on here,i don' t want them tto judge me and think i' m nasty cause i' m not!Plus i don' t know if they would tell my mum(although i' m 16) but i' m not completely sure!I' d be glad of some info just to settle my nerves a bit.

Reply to Help Me
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/10/01

there is so much in your mind and you need councelling soon before you loose some screws there!

really you also need to pray and ask for forgiveness from all the the peple you have hurt, but first you need to start by you!!!!!!!!!! forgive yourself because God have already forgiven you.

Reply to Lolo

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