Posted by: Nicole | 2007/12/05

I am in a Jealous Obsessive relationship

My partner and I have been in a relationship for three years, the first two years was a blessing, It was totall happiness, the third year became a nightmare, he has become overly obsessive, jealous, I am miserable and totally unhappy, I now treat him as if he is sick or has a sever mental problem. I try to remain calm instead of fighting back, I cry everyday wishing the pain and unhappiness would go away. He phones me every minute of the day to check if I am at work at my desk, when he picks me up from work, he handles my hand bag and checks my clothing that i am wearing to see if i am not hiding something from him, we can never go to a mall together, he always accuses me of looking at other guys, he then starts name calling me, he makes me feel really low of myself, I have never given him reason to treat me this way but he does, he calls me names that are really bad, it hurts me and I begin to cry, my family noticed the way he treats me and they now HATE him for making me unhappy. I know he is a good person, what can I do to help him change, i know that he has alot of past hurts, his father was having an affair which affected him as he had to catch the father out and investigate his father all the time, he now treats our relationship that way. What can I do to help him? How should I behave around him? What must I do to avoid him calling me names?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This sounds like Pathological Jealousy on his part, and the puzzle is why, according to your description, he so suddenly changed, after NOT being like this for the first couple of years. You are not a therapist, and are unlikely to be able to change him. Could you persuade him to join you in seeing a marriage counsellor, to explore how you might be able to help him feel more confident, and how he could recognize how faithful you are ? And be sympathetic, not accusatory, makign it clear that you understand how awful his childhood experiences must have been for him, and how much you'd like the pair of you to be able to become more confident and happier, with the right sort of expert help.
If he really won't accept that there is a problem relating to his profound suspiciousness, then consider leaving him for your own sake.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Cheater | 2007/12/05

I think he's cheating on you and realizes that if he can do it and get away with it then chances are you are doing the same thing. You're not cheating, but he thinks that if you are so easily fooled by him, then he can also be fooled by you. Watch his behaviour and check the late nites out or walking out with his cellphone, stuff like that. Good luck.

Reply to Cheater
Posted by: Lolo | 2007/12/05

what i have learned is love is like a sand in the palm of your hand, and if you hold it tight it will slip through your fingers but if you just open your hand freely in will stay, you can practically do that and see.

you need to feel free and not become somebody's slave or prisoner. you have to ct now or else he won't see anything wrong about that.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Maria | 2007/12/05

For starters I don't think you should change your behaviour in any way, as it is he who has the problem, not you. If you really feel the relationship is worth saving then you should ask him to go for counselling to deal with his history, and the two of you must also go for counselling together in order to work through the hurt.

Should he refuse to go for counselling, then you must make a tough decision. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

You don't need to feel guilty about this, and you don't deserve to be abused.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: John | 2007/12/05

I don't have any advice but I am shaking my head in amazement: what on earth makes some woman love men who treat them like crap? Why on earth would you want to be around someone who hurts you, insults you, belittles you and makes you feel unworthy of life itself? Why do you make excuses for him? Why, oh why, are you not running away, rapidly, and trying to get free of the misery he is?

I know - but do not understand fully - that some women in physically abusive relationships stay with their abusers because they become fearful of their lives or they believe that they are worthless and that no-one else would want them.

But this? I don't get it.

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