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Posted by: Desperately Lonely | 2007/04/10

I am at a loss

I'll try and keep this short.

I live in my boyfriend's house for free. I pay half of everything else.

I cannot talk to him as he just closes up as a closed book. Shrink appointments have the same result. This is the way he does things and finish. If I pursue anything I just get ignored for days or weeks, he can always stick it out longer than I can. He always win's the war. Because he will remain like this until I just forget it and come right again and then we continue as if nothing happened until next time when I get upset again and till I get good again.He is set in his ways and he will come and go as he pleases.Take his children on weekend he pleases without telling me. I'll just see they are there or the are not. And when he goes to work on a Saterday he will leave them with me without arrangement or sometimes take them with - there is no need to inform me, I am not their mother. He is cold, inconsiderate, mean. He talks down to me and the only time he knows who I am is in bed where he is brilliant but due to my back being turned on him he now doesnt even do that anymore.

Sunday I had bought eggs to hide in the garden but he left for Church with them and came home without them. That night he went to collect them from the sister. So all I planned was for nothing. Yet I am expected to have supper ready. I don't understand this.

I can cry, talk, sms, phone, scream, email postings from this and other sites. It just get's ignored. Nothing changes and he refuses to talk about things. I cannot sit and talk to him he will just shrug his shouldenrs and go and watch tv and ignore me.

All I ask is consideration and to when he will be home (he works shifts). He does not cheat on me, please don't even go that way. I've checked everything and done everything to see if this is the case, it is not.

Maybe he has just lost interest in me. I've even tried threatening that I'll get another boyfriend and he just smiles and say's go ahead.

There is nothing I can spite him with. There is nothing I can do to or for or agains him. He does not need me for anything (maybe supper but even when I don't cook he'll just make scramble eggs).

I have to fix this alone and I can't. Since mothers day last year it's been going like this, meaning it's nearly a year.

I am not that young anymore and don't like the thought of moving into my own place again. The couple of times I've packed boxes he just ignore's them as if they dont exist.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why on EARTH would you want to spend any time at all with somebody so selfish and unfeeling ? Planning for your own place and fresh evelopments in your life would be fruitful --- surely living on your own couldn't be more lonely than living alone with this guy ? As Joy says, this guy is being emotionally abusive, and he smiles because he knows he can always get whatever he wants --- so long as you allow him to do so.
Staying with him cannot be any easier than moving out will be --- and freeing you up for further more satisfying relationships is a bonus. This is a purely one-sided relationship.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lu | 2007/04/10

Hi DL

All the above are correct, you have to make a move, he sits in the lap of luxuary as he gets everything done for him and the more your do it, the more he takes, and at the moment he gets what he wants all the time. You have to make the effort to move. Sell the new car, get rid of the payments, make do with less or less of a car, I have done it, it took me a while to get on my feet, but I did, so can you. Men like him are not worth the effort and pain, let him do what he needs to do for his kids and as for going to church, surely this is a bit two faced!? you are being treated like a slave, and you are way better than that. I am sure that you must have someone to help you, ? For your own sanity and happiness, you have to move.

Reply to lu
Posted by: Britty | 2007/04/10

I can understand your reluctance to leave your security especially as you get older and I bet he does too - he probably thinks that you will never leave so he can treat you as he likes. You know even older people can get jobs expecially in the UK as carers - a neighbour of mine did it as she was not financially stable and it has made a huge difference to her life especailly as you can virtually save every cent/pound you make as accommodation is part of the package. Think about it and teach him a lesson. Take care and God Bless

Reply to Britty
Posted by: Shae | 2007/04/10

Chilled, your idea, though intriguing may cost DL more tha it will benefit her. A calculating plan like that can only work for her if she is emotionally seperated from this man and i dont thins thats the case. Wont it be more painful to stay and still hope or are you really able to live with this man and not feel anything for him DL?

Reply to Shae
Posted by: CHILLED | 2007/04/10

That's what i'm saying. Save while you live there, but don't give him anything else but your presence. Let him know you cannot look after his kids Saturdays etc etc. Make it convenient for YOU...

Reply to CHILLED
Posted by: DL | 2007/04/10

My main reason for staying is that due to the fact that I live for free I have spent to much on buying a car and now I'll suffer if I move out.

Reply to DL
Posted by: CHILLED | 2007/04/10

I have a great idea, DL. Why don't you use him for a bit? Stay there until you can save enough to get out, but don't cook and don't give him any nookie.... Let him have his scrambled eggs for a while... see if he likes that..... and then, one day, just leave.....

Reply to CHILLED
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/10

DL its the best thing for you - really! And trust me, we'd suggest things (ANYTHING) except that you leave, but in your case its the best route to take. You've tried all you could and have done all you can and still the situation hasnt changed in the least, in fact it seems, its only become worse. Now its time to take a stand for you, and do what you NEED to do!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: DL | 2007/04/10

You are all right. Echelle, I have tried a lot of times in the last year, I have to many feelings to not talk or be talked to for days on end, it's no use.

When do you take the step, when do you decide, this is just not going to work. Another year from now? No today I guess.

Thank you all, I am out of things to try.

Reply to DL
Posted by: Shae | 2007/04/10

This doesnt sound like much of a relationship DL. Sounds like this man has managed to make an invisible domestic worker with benefits of you.

A relationship is meant to be something both people contribute to and benefit from. What are you getting? Being with someone who makes you feel like you are nothing and you dont matter is no way to live.

Reply to Shae
Posted by: Desperately Lonely | 2007/04/10

We have gone for counseling just so that he can tell me the guy is an idiot.

You are right, I need to move out and on with my life. It's just not easy. But nothing I do is good enough, nothing I cook is even said thank you for, nothing is appreciated anymore. I am so unhappy I sometimes feel like a little doggie waiting for one tiny little sign that he cares.

Reply to Desperately Lonely
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/04/10

No one will respect u for who u r if u take whatever they bring your way. Stand up 2 him - evn if u hav 2 change a bit. Joy is correct u need 2 get out on u'r own.... cos mayb he will realise what u really mean 2 him, cos u neva know what u've got untill it's over.

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: KellyM | 2007/04/10

Why are you with him?? As Dr Phil says whats your payoff here, why are you staying??

Reply to KellyM
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/10

I'm sorry Echelle but i cant agree with you on this one..she already admitted to not being able to ignore him as long as she'd like to and always gives in. This man is being emotionally abusive, inconsiderate and is pretending that you dont exist. You cannot stay in this home or in this relationship any longer! You say you're not willing to stay on your own because you're not as young anymore but would you rather have this? Those are your options - either stay in a loveless home or move out and be on your own. Nothing we say will change your mind about what you need to do. This is your reality: either you face it and accept that things wont change, or take up some courage and leave! If you go on and read what you've written again, you'll see there's not one positive thing about this guy, in other words, no reason to stay, as far as i'm concerned! Stop doing this to yourself! You're the only one that can bring about the change, and you should end this chapter in your life and start over, begin a new chapter for yourself, with yourself in mind and put yourself FIRST for starters!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: Lin | 2007/04/10

Try getting him to go to couples councelling with you. It's something that the 2 of u must do together. Just the same with a relationship... work together or u can leave it and it'll never be ok. U need 2 get through 2 him someway. The next time he decides to leave his children with u, say "sorry, but I have a previous engagement". Then leave the house. It's his children and if he doesnt have the backbone to make arrangements, then it's his problem. Hope this helps a bit. Good Luck!

Reply to Lin
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/04/10

Give him some of his own medicine, don't give in, ignore him until he comes to you! Show him what he's missing - be the "dream girl" and be sweet all the time. Pretend to be always happy even if you're not!

Reply to Echelle

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