Posted by: CONN | 2004/11/05

I am angry with GOD!

I am 22 years old male, come from a rural area and I've discovered five years ago thet I could be gay. I was always the obedient boy who respected the elders, didn't drink alcohol, nor smoke nor engage in sex. I was good at school. Everybody knows me as a good boy. I had dreams and plans. At high school, my friends had girlfriends and were having sex but I told them I was not ready and was going to wait for the right time. By then I knew words like gay, lesbian, homosexual existed but didn't really know what they mean despite the fact that I masturbated with some guys. When I arrived at University I thought the time was right. But something was wrong. I didn't have any feelings for girls so I started reading literature about homosexuality. That's when it hit me! I could be gay! "No! NO! No!" was all I could say. When I realised that I could be gay it killed me inside! I panicked and it was the most frustating and traumatic time of my life. This was the loneliest time of my life. I had no one to talk to. I went for counselling once and never returned fro next appoitment. They didn't understand and it was very embarrasing because she wasn't a specialist in this 'homosexual' issues. I am a christian for heaven sake. I don't understand, this was not my plan. I didn't choose to be gay! God hates us. During this time my prayer to God intensified as I begged him to take away this 'demonic spirits' and to heal me. Five years later I am still gay and bitter! i'VE HAD SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! My mother has been through so much I can't take away his son. The 'good-mannered son.' I can do this to her. What did I do to deserve this? Today I have accepted that I am gay and have a boyfriend and I told God that I don't want to be lonely again and don't want to sin to him. He either heal me or let me be. But I want to go to heaven one day. Somedays I am very apologetic and others i don't give a damn about the bible. What Should I do? My mother is also rural amd doesn't even know what the words 'gay', 'homo-' means. Where do I start? I think she can understand but i'm not sure. It will be really really hard saying the words 'Mom, I am gay', but having to explain myself would just kill me! Nobody said it would be easier, but still no one told me it would be this hard! Life sucks! My boyfriend is far away and he just doesn't seem to understand my needs. I need care, love and attention and to be aprreciated. I need someone who knows how lonely I've been and give me more than just one phone-call a day! I am just holding on until something better comes my way. I prayed God with everything I had and feel He let me down...when I needed him the MOST! What about my dreams of a normal family with my wife and kids? What did I do to derserve this punishment?Why does it hurt so bad? Where do broken hearts go?Will I go to heaven?What will my family say? Who do you tell? I still find it hard to believe God is reeaallyy there and during apolegetic nights i pray,' Don't let me die. I need your help because i can do this by myself. If you really love me you wouldn't hurt me this way! PLEASE! PLEASE! Amen.

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Our expert says:
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Conn, it is entirely possible to be gay and good, and to be gay and Christian. Contact a nearby Gay organization who can advise on a suitable counsellor who will be open-minded but familiar with these issues, and able to help you cope with them.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Separating love from lust | 2004/11/05

Inc, it hurts when people tell you you're judgmental when all you're doing is telling them about the God who has saved your soul. You can try and say it in a nicer way, but often the truth is what hurts them, not the way you say it.
Never change the Truth, even if it will appease those who speak badly of you.
Unfortunately, CONN has chosen to be gay, although it seems his circumstances made that option too easy ... let's not condone it and make it even easier for the next person to think he was "born gay".

Reply to Separating love from lust
Posted by: BC | 2004/11/05

CONN, I feel ur sadness, and I feel sorry for u.
But it sounds to me that you have really strong mind, and strong desires to be a normal person. Maybe you should go for some counciling.

Reply to BC
Posted by: orie | 2004/11/05

You just need to accept it and be comfortable with your gay status. I'm a straight female and I dont have one problem with gays or lesbians . Everyone has got a right to choose who s/he wants to be with . No one has got a right to judge anyone based on one's sexual orientation. when are we going to change and accept other people's choices ? I think its about time we change our focus and start looking at things in a different perspective. There's nothing wrong with being gay, drum that through your head. As soon as you start moving away from what we've been socialised to think about gays, you'll then be able to embrace your 'gayness" and fall in love ith other men as we fall in love with people of opposite sexes. There's no shame in it , accept it and get to enjoy a loving relationship. Embrace it brother and move on , If your mother can see that you're happy with other men, she;ll soon realise that your happiness is more important that the gender of the parnter you're with . God has'nt failed you , he's given you answers all along but your fear of rejection or the fear of not doing what is socially accepted is what is hindering you to ultimate happiness .All the best ! I love gays , I think they are truly exceptional people who come out and challenge the stereotypes that have prevailed for a long time and left unchallenged. I see this in the same light as mixed marriages , way back , when it was taboo to go out with someone from a different race , People felt stronlgy about it , could not understand that love can cross the racial boundaries . So are gay relationships , people will realise that love can cross the sex barriers. In few years time I hope we'll be able to look at gay couples as we look at a any other heterosexual couple . If I can wake up one day and realised I'm lesbian , or I get attracted to another female , I would not think twice about pursuing that relatiosnhip after all ,ITS ALL ABOUT LOVE . ALL WE NEED IS LOVE IRRESPECTIVE OF WHICH SEX IT COMES FROM .

Reply to orie
Posted by: tut tut | 2004/11/05

once again you guys are fighting on this site where its not about your opinions but the person hurting here...

CONN i also suggest you go to a christian counsilor, he will be able to help you and guide you over this tough time...God isnt there to make life difficut remember he cares for need to show him that you love him and obey his ways.

Reply to tut tut
Posted by: Gaybuddie | 2004/11/05

I feel so sorry for you. I do however also know what you are going throug, as it is the same as myself. We don't choose to be Gay, like we don't choose to be straight.

There is no one on earth that can tell us what God will do when it comes to Judgement day, and thus we have to live our lives to the best of our ability.

I also recall going through the turmoil of thinking that God as we know him would punish us for being who we are, but I do believe that we can be both Christian and gay.

Please be careful not to take everyone's reply's to heart. There are a lot of bitter people out there who have made up their minds and will not stand for any other way. I'm not saying that they are wrong, but I cannot say that they are right. You have to be strong in your faith firstly, then follow your heart. I don't believe that God would put us through all this torment without a reason.

I cannot advertise another sites name here, but, if you would like to communicate more in private please feel free to make contact with me through my user name as above on w w w gaydar (dot) com I will help you whereever I can, and maybe you could help me too!

Reply to Gaybuddie
Posted by: Leonie | 2004/11/05

forgot to mention ive got absolutely nothing against gays and lesbians, im just enjoying myself the way i am

Reply to Leonie
Posted by: Leonie, | 2004/11/05

this is really sad, i would also want to kill myself if i wake up adn realise im lesbian, i understand exactley where u r coming and will keep u on my prayers.

Reply to Leonie,
Posted by: Anon | 2004/11/05

Oh and btw, Inc.The guy did not come here to be judged.Like yourself and others he came here for support.
So keep your holier-than-thou attitude to yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Will Pray for you | 2004/11/05

I really feel your pain and understandwahture going through. But at the same time Everything in life happen for a reason, just calm down and expalin to your partner about your needs and wants, surely he will understand and give u the kind of love u deserve. As we are all brought up into this world to be happy .

About your Mother being rural, i think the best thing to talk about this is to get your uncle or any elder to expalin the situation to her, and hopefully she will understand and take you back as herr son. You haven't done anything wrong, and you didn't choose your parents really you have nothing to feel quilty about . Just accept the type of a person you are and enjoy life. There are lot of gay people out there who are living their lives to the fullest, for instance if you watch the Block on channel 37 DSTV you will see how Gary and Pauolo are living their happy livesat this point in time life ur own life and stop worrying about what other people are saying about you.

And please don't be angry at God, he loves you as his child and continue your faith with him and he will be your best friend too.

We love u and God does too.
God Bless.

Reply to Will Pray for you

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