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Question
Posted by: Butterfly | 2004/10/29

I am about to spread my wings...

Hi all,
I've made a decision that's had to be made for such a long time coming. I haved asked my husband of 6 years to move out. It's taken so long, I did it this morning.
He actually seems quite happy with the decision, I have been suspecting that he doesn't actually want to be with me - constantly drinking, constantly surrounding himself with people ALL the time, anything to avoid having to spend time with me, or our little son who's 5 now. So it's done, we'r over, after a really tumultuous marriage where we;ve both hurt each other and now I think the hurt just got too much and we need to move on with our lives. I have made a decision also to be as civil about this as possibile. My whole family is in Jhb, and we live in Cpt. BUT I will not run away, I will stay here in Cpt so he can see his son at any time. WE can split the assets (more debt than anything else actually) equally - married COP. And deal with things like adults, which is more than we did while we were still together.
My only problem is that I am going to get my son this evening from creche. Everytime before when I've come to collect him alone, his first question is where is daddy? Whenever his dad is even out to the shop, he will always ask : where is daddy?
What do I tell my precious little one today? Because Daddy is not just out to the shop, or at home, or waiting for us anywhere.

Crikey, I can hardly hold back the tears... what do I tell my precious little boy that we both brought into this world, what's the best way to tell him - and how do I tell him - and what do I say?
Any suggestions for me, please? How do I tell him that mommy and daddy are not going to live together anymore?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Interesting, Buterfly --- it almost sounds, from your description of how he responds when previously you fetched him without Dad, as if your son has somehow been expecting dad to leave ? Tell him naturally, and not as if this is a terrible thing which either of you need to feel guilty about. Tell him that he may have noticed that tehre have been some problems between mom and dad, and that adults sometimes, even if they try hard, don't manage to work out a good way to be hapy with each other, and that when this happens its usually best for them to separate. But that you both love him and won't love him any the less, and that his dad will be able to continue seeing him, and that none of this is HIS ( the boy's ) fault.
I like Chelle's idea that you and your husband see and talk this over with him, together.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/10/29

I suggest that you and your husband talk to him together, so that he can feel secure with both of you there and he can ask any questions to the both of you. Both of you have to take responsibility for the child, so don't start off the separation by assuming that this is up to you to do alone.

Hopefully your husband will realise that this is his responsibility too.

The best is to tell the child the truth - that you are daddy are fighting too much and have decided that its best not to live together. Make sure you reinforce to your son that you both love him, and that daddy isn't leaving him.

Reply to Chelle

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