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Question
Posted by: Buffs | 2006/10/31

Husbands strange behaviour getting worse

hi again,

well i had a bad day yesterday so was not in a good mood last night. ended up fighting with my hubby.

he called me a -|- ing bitch. anyway this all happened in front of my father in law which just made it worse. so i turned and walked out the room. he came out about 2 minutes later and said we were going home... so i think in the space of those 2 minutes my father in law must have said something to him thinking he was helping but just made the situation worse.

we didnt talk on the drive home and when we got home he said if i ever belittle him in public again he is going to leave me. So i told him if he ever threatens to leave me again hes not going to get the chance to leave me as IM gonna leave HIM!

any way spent the rest of the night ignoring each other. If he came into a room i went into another room and closed the door, very childish i know but was just so furious didnt trust myself to speak.

Anyway. usually when we fight he gets very quiet and gives me the silent treatment until i eventually crack and go make friends with him, but not last night. Thats the first time he has ever swore at me.

i eventually went to bed, he was already in bed and he wrapped his arms around me!!! and said im so sorry!!! then the whole night he kept waking me up saying you forgive me dont you? i love you you know that.. you forgive me dont you?

normally when we fight i cant touch him it just makes the situation worse..

Im starting to think something bad is going on here.. the excessive attention, the drastic character change..

before he couldnt even say he wanted kids now hes talking about when we have a baby!

i really do think something bad is going on.. what if hes having an affair?? i dont want to sound paranoid but i dont know what else to think!

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Our expert says:
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marriage counselling an option ? Something is troubling him, but it doesn't particularly sound like an affair. kat's comments, and others, seem useful.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Buzz | 2006/10/31

Either way Buffs, it doesn't sound like a big deal, more like a bit of stress on both sides. It might not have been the content of what you said but more the intent, i.e. maybe you were a bit off'ish with him and he saw it as you belittling him.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Buffs | 2006/10/31

see i know why he called me a bitch and i dont mind that, hes been very happy about the house and everything but with my exams and then trying to catch up on work i missed while writing exams im not all that bouncy, so he accuses me of being miserable and of being a bitch, but i know hes just joking and trying to lighten my mood.. i dont mind being called a bitch cos sometimes i AM and i call myself that.

just what got me the most was he wouldnt tell me how i belittled him in public i asked him to tell me what i said so i would know what it was so not to say it again but he wouldnt tell me.

i honestly think he just realised what he said and was trying to justify it to himself and got defensive trying to make it seem like i deserved it...

ugh i dunno

Reply to Buffs
Posted by: FIO | 2006/10/31

Ok,

All I can say is that often we say things without realiing the effect it has on others. Its especially damaging when its your partner who says something, probably quite innocently, that hurts, because we expect our partners to know better than to joke about certain things, knowing its sensitive. So when a partner does joke, it can be quite damaging and hurtful, and this is easy to elicit a lousy response.

In my opinion, it ought to have been important to you to understand why he called you a bitch, but it seems as if its not important to you coz you still dont know?

Maybe you should talk to him and ask him why he called you a bitch, give him the opportunity to express his feelings. He knows he probably went OTT, but I think its important that you understadn why, and make effort to understadn why, and even if his explanation seems pathetic to you, its clearly not pathetic to him. Respect it, understand it, and avoid a lot more unpleasant, unnecessary fights in the future.

A successful relationship is based on communication and understanding, and concerted, genuine effort from both sides.

Reply to FIO
Posted by: Buffs | 2006/10/31

to be honest im not even sure what happened.

I was in a bad mood yesterday when i got home and he was fine, then we went to father in laws house and we were laughing and joking together and he said something (cant even remember what it was) and i said something back and then he didnt say anything at all so i said "arent you going to say something back?" and laughed and then he said i was a bitch.

I think it made it worse cos his father looked at him and said "wow nice" very disapprovingly, cos i just took it he was still joking with me, even tho i dont appreciate the name calling or the swearing and normally tell him off for swearing as i HATE it.. then next thing i know hes in a foul mood and telling me not to belittle him in public?!

Reply to Buffs
Posted by: FIO | 2006/10/31

You dont say why he called you a bitch, nor do you explain what you did to belittle him. I'm sure knowing this would put the whole thing in better perspective, and the advice you get here could be quite different.

Reply to FIO
Posted by: Delene | 2006/10/31

Hi Buffs,

From previous postings I always gathered that your marriage is a happy one.
I am in a happy marriage, though I can honestly say, we have our ups & downs like most "happy" couples do. Someties the downs are more than the ups too. There have been times I dont understand my husband at all & him not me. causing so much friction.
calling you a bitch, and infront of someone else is so horrible, threatening to leave you, is even worse.

Though, none of this is the end of the world. It can be resolved.

It sounds like he is insecure for some reason. In this, you must ask yourself if you did give him any reason to feel insecure?
It might be something very small bothering him, that is blowing up now.

My husband doesnt like counceling, but what ive found extremely helpful, is personal therapy.
I go to a therapest purely for the purpose of marriage counceling.(without the hubby). Sounds strange, but it helps. My dr constantly gives me a new perspective to think about,where i see things one way, he will always give me the other side too. I found it helpful. he also helps me to communicate effectively, and one person in a relationship can make a difference.
so I will strongly suggest it if your husband doesnt want to go for marriage counceling.

It sure seems like there is just something that is troubling him, and he is not just comming out talking about it. it doesnt sound like he is having an afair. a person who is occupied with someone else, wont want attention from you. and wont be home around YOU.

I hope that when things calmed down, the two of you can sit down & really talk effectively. and can get to the bottom of this.But do get the idea about an afair out of your head, before you drive him to it?



Reply to Delene
Posted by: Kate | 2006/10/31

I dont understand, he called you a *%$#ing B!tch in front of your FIL and YOU mustnt belittle HIM in public. But Buzz is right being called a bitch isn't so bad, but its still not nice.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: Buzz | 2006/10/31

Hi Buffs, sorry to hear you had an argument and that your husband swore at you. That's not nice, but it happens, in a moment of anger we ALL say things we're sorry about later. Being called a bitch isn't so bad.

It sounds like your husband is under some kind of pressure and maybe feels that you're giving him a hard time, adding to his stress, and he lashed out at you???

If you want to sustain your relationship, and what's more, improve and move it to the next level, you will have to communicate even when you think you're not going to like the answer.

What was the argument about? And what gives you the idea that your husband has/had an affair?

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/31

buffs, then dont ask the question why not try tell him how much you are enjopying the change in him and he will ask you what change and you can then tell him how he is being more attentaive and that you are loving it but you are also not used to it, and see what he says. if he doesnt ask what change he will say something like well he is glad that you notice his effort. then just follow the conversation from there. you will get a feel of what to say ad a feel about what is going on with him.

Reply to kat
Posted by: Buffs | 2006/10/31

see i dont want him to think im not enjoying our life together cos i am and i dont want him to think i dont appreciate him making an effort to spend time with me cos i do

Mostly i think im afraid of what his answer might be.. ever hear the saying "dont ask questions you dont want to know the answer too"

Reply to Buffs
Posted by: Just me | 2006/10/31

Have you tried to ask him what is going on? Considered councelling?

Reply to Just me
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/31

ehy girl, maybe the effect of having his own home has made a huge difference for him now he realyu feels like a provider. for all you know he went to work one mornng and almost had a horrific car accident and that was his wake up call to start realy living and loveing, if he was having an affair he wouldnt be talking about a baby, unless of course the affair is now over and this is the way he wants to make up for it. why not ask him about it in a loving way.

Reply to kat

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