Posted by: Sophia | 2006/10/25

Husbands Kid

I have been married for over a year now and my husband has a child from a previous relationship. When we started dating i met the child and we got on well, you know the relationship between kid and girlfriend. But when we got married the whole relationship changed.

The child HATES me!!!! She treats me terribly, doesn't speak to me nicely and i think she sees me as a threat. My husband only sees her on a tuesday and every second weekend so it is not like we have her all the time but when she is around she tries to push me out the picture!!! She hangs on her dad and tries everything to keep him and i apart!

what can i do? i am at my wits end about it at the moment! Please could you assist.

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Our expert says:
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I don't know about hate, here, but in such situations its not uncommon for the child to see the gf as trying to take her dad away from her, or to replace her mom. I don't understand why your husband see her so much less than you do, but it is his job to talk this through with her, and make it clear how she needs to behave. Loving you is not compulsory ( and may indeed come with time ), but politeness is required. Maybe she doesn't udnerstand why she sees so little of him, and is blaming you for that ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Paris | 2006/10/25

Hi Sophia,

Yes you are the adult etc. but that still does not make it easy to deal with a "step child". You must get your husband's support on this otherwise you will never sort this out.

I also have 2 "step children" and things really went rough in the beginning. Luckily my husband stepped in and a compromise was found and today (8 years later) we are one happy family.

You can't say that she only comes every 2nd week-end so just deal with it. In actual fact this means that of 4 week-ends of the month, this child is there for 2 not even mentioning the occasional day here and there. She's part of your life and the sooner you and her sort out this issues between the 2 of you, with the help of your husband, the sooner you can start living as a happy family.

Good luck. I KNOW it's not easy.

Reply to Paris
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/10/25

How old is she?

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/25

just remember you are the adult and you need to practice restraint, and be the bigger person. let them spend time together and when you are around them make sure that you include her. she feels like she has to fight for his attention. also she feels like he traided her in for you.

Reply to kat
Posted by: Michelle | 2006/10/25

Hi Sophia,

Yes, stepkids are always a difficult "task". You must try and get her to understand that you are not trying to replace her mom. She sees you as a threat, because when you were his girlfriend, the prospect of daddy spending the rest of his life with someone else other than mommy was not even in her mind's eye.
Dad has now basically blurted out to the world that he loves you more than what he loves her mom, and she doesn't like it.
Let her hang on to her dad, she will soon grow up and start being embarrassed about it.
Try to be more of a friend to her than a mom, don't go out and try and be her "girlfriend" or best buddy, she will see it as a lame attempt to try and win her over. Don't go all out to win her over, if she gets the reaction that she wants out of you, she will just try harder to make life more difficult.
Don't be jealous of her hanging on to her dad, she can see it and she is obviously loving it.
Just offer to be there if she ever needs help with a problem. Let her know that you are there, but don't make yourself known, if you know what I am trying to say.
Don't worry, she will come around eventually!
Good luck to you!

Reply to Michelle
Posted by: ME | 2006/10/25

If he only sees the child for a few days then i am sure you can give up your time with him for those few days. Let them spend their time together and you can spend your time with him when she is gone. Just imagine what it must feel like for that child!!!!!

Reply to ME

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