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Question
Posted by: susie | 2007/04/04

husbands changed libido

IMy husband and me have been together for 24 years and have always enjoyed an open healthy sex life except that I could not keep up with him in the libido department - but things were ok and I did'nt have any need to worry except that I did'nt feel like sex half as much as him. Even so I did'nt deny him at all except for feigning the odd headache!!! I started a course of antidepressants a while ago as we were going through big changes and problems which put me into a depression and I was continually anxious. Anyway, the medication worked fantastically and I feel so much better and able to cope with things as they are. I only take one half a day and they really help me to sleep as I was having sleepless nights before I started taking them. The thing is, one of the side effects are weight gain. I've picked up a few kilos but that takes me from 50kgs to about 53kg - so I am by no means fat - except, being 46 the extra weight is not attractive - I know this. Well, it could be coincidence, but my husband is totally off sex now. From a 5-6 times a week guy he's gone to about twice a month, maybe. The other day he commented on my weight and I said that he never has anything good to say about me to which he replied "well I did have until recently". I now think that his lack of libido is my weight gain. I don't eat very much and my eating habits have'nt changed since the medication. I have virtually no sweets or cold drinks and hardly any bread as I don't like it. I'm very active but simply don't follow a fitness program as I detest it. Could it just be my husbands age (he's 52) or should I seriously consider a fitness routine which I hate

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It'd be well worthwhile to discuss all this with the shrink who prescribed the antidepressants, as you might be even better suited by an alternative AD, with less of the weight-gain problem. And with CBT style counselling, you could work out an acceptable diet and exercise program to suit you ( one you need not hate !) and get fit again for your own sake.
As to the specifics of the complex relationship with your husband, maybe marriage counselling would be a good idea, to benefit both of you ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: it is | 2007/04/05

only a pleasure...
all of the best, ive bn thinking of you and i will.
try and keep us posted.xox

Reply to it is
Posted by: susie | 2007/04/05

Could be that I'm just being paranoid as I'm not feeling good about my body right now, but I guess if you're not happy about something changes have to be made. Maybe I should just do it and see what happens - then I'll know if it was me or him. I think thats about the only solution. Thanks for your comments - its appreciated

Reply to susie
Posted by: no man.. | 2007/04/04

yes,most definately what you wear and how you present yourself. i know exactly what i can and cant pull off, and i can hear you also do. i just mentioned surgery to underline the whole 'thing' of looking a certain way that gets more difficult with age..surely thats why most people do it. i didnt mean you should consider it, ABSOLUTELY not, especially not for someone else.

you have been with your husband for a very long time and i know that if you are certain this is the reason, it probably is, because you know him best.

i just really feel sorry that you have to feel like this due to VERY little weight gain, and that it can have such a big impact on your sex life.

Im trying to figure out if he would notice the 3 kilos if you loose it, because it's so little. i dont mean to sound rude - really im not, im honestly just wondering...

do you think that would immediately switch the lights back on?agghhh...this seems to be more complexed than it did when we started chatting.

all i can say is,i still feel it's strange that such little weight gain can put him off so much after such a long time together. i really really really hope it can somehow be resolved!!!

ps:3kilos are so little, you wont need to have an extreme fitness routine to drop it. maybe just try and find something 'nice' to get you going? you say you are an active person - there are many nice stuff to do besides gym. even walking on the beach(sand) is good. maybe you should get some sexy gym clothes and do your exercise where he can see you!!

Reply to no man..
Posted by: susie | 2007/04/04

You're right, but still the problem with his lack of interest could well be my weight gain and then I'm pretty sure that talking to him and telling him that ok he has a wife who has'nt exactly got a weight problem just gained a few so he should be grateful won't necessarily switch the lights back on. My whole idea is to be married to him forever and if weight is a problem now - what of the future. I certainly can't or don't want to anyway, get surgery. I also don't think that trying to look younger than you are is necessarily all to do with weight - more what you wear and how you present yourself. Nothing worse than an old dame in teenage gear and makeup - although some people can get away with it and its ok if you can - then its looking good - but this is for the chosen few

Reply to susie
Posted by: No, man!? | 2007/04/04

i didnt want to say it but i wanted to ask if he's aware of his normal bodily changes just because he's getting older. i really think it's a bit '....' of him. cant get the right word. sorry for being so blunt, i know i dont know you or him, but it's just not on.

maybe he should take a look around at what ladies at your age generally look like (if weight is so important), after children etc...and appreciate what he's got!

not all of us can afford to nip&tuck but surely a woman who's ageing graciously is far more beautiful than one who looks 20years younger than she's supposed to. i don't get this whole obsession with looking younger than your age. it's so unreal.

im with you. ive had enough unnatural wieght issues in the past to imagine how this must make you feel.

Reply to No, man!?
Posted by: susie | 2007/04/04

He has always been pretty clear about weight gain and his dislike for it - for all the 24 years, but as we all know, its not so easy to look slim and trim as you get older and gravity really does play a big part in it. I was also quite shocked when he said that to me because I really did'nt think that it was such an issue anyway. But now I'm sort of putting 2 and 2 together and thinking that it could be entirely possible that he's just put off. I've always thought that I've been pretty lucky to maintain my weight so I did'nt think that it could be an issue with him as he knows we're both getting older. I certainly don't have a problem with his disappearing butt and hairy back

Reply to susie
Posted by: no, man!? | 2007/04/04

3kilos??after 24 years?? maybe it would have made more sense if you said you gained 13?

he should be greatful that you still look good after 24 years! i know we want to look good for our partners, but honestly, im much younger than you and i definately dont weigh the same than years back and i know ive looked better than now, but my man hasn't mentioned something negative about how ive physically changed. even if he noticed.

i dont know, but somehow i thought that after such a long time together many other things detemine a relationship & keep it strong (as i said i know we want to look good for the partner), things other than these 3.

dont let this get to you to a point where you question yourself and how you look. youve got enough life experience to know that this cannot be the issue. and also to know how weight can rule your life.

with respect - like everyone else said, it seems like there's an issue on his side that he's projecting onto you.

you've been together long enough for you to feel like you can sit him down and openly talk about this. and also for him to feel comfortable to share with you whatever he's going through, which seems to be the problem.

all of the best!

Reply to no, man!?
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/04/04

At his age men hav problems with getting their soldier 2 salute... it is not easy 4 them 2 admit it, as they feel they r not as much of a man. He is probably just making u feel guilty so that u dont realize what is happening 2 him....

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: ??? | 2007/04/04

Could the problem not be with him? I mean, maybe a medical problem? Seeing that this happened so suddenly.... Maybe he is just trying to make himself feel beter by putting the blame on you? 3 kg's is really not much at all, and if you love each other, what is 3kg's anyway????????????

Reply to ???
Posted by: :) | 2007/04/04

He needs to do the soul searching , you sound perfectly okay to me.
And if he cant satisfy you anymore, I think you need to let him know. If you going to go through changes , THAT you detest , just for him.....you must remember, who says that it will work, and he will miraculously be the same again?. You cannot change yourself for someone else, if you do it, let it be to make you happy.....and he must sort out his own depression. And his comments about your weight, if it does not bother you, it should not bother him .
Naah, he sounds like he is depressed and is hoping to get a kick from making you miserable.

Reply to :)

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