Posted by: Stacey | 2007/08/16 / chatting to other woman

Hi there,

Please husband and I have been together for 11 years, we are quite happy, we are sexual active (we have sex +/-4 times a week - which is quite good for been together for 11 years i think). I have caught him many times with porn, not only books, but DVD`s and he even cuts out the pictures, I dont have anything against porn but that for me was extreme at the beginning of the year I told him one more time and I am leaving. Last week I caught him red handed chatting to other woman on a singles website....what should i do, if its not porn then its chatting to other woman on a singles site, am I to 'senstive' should I leave? 11 years....maybe he is tired of me, all our friends say they envy our loving relationship and I to believe its a wonderful, loving relationship....please suggest what you think I should do because I am confused and really upset about this.

many thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Looking at porn is one thing, but smutty chat with someone else is maybe a bit too far. It doesn't, though, usually mean that he's necessarily tired of you. Why not get both of you into proper marriage counselling and sort this out ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: hope | 2007/08/19

Maybe you could offer to watch porn together with him. Be it his thing, not so much yours, it may lead him to feel he doesn't have to hide it from you. I have no problem with porn, but when he is actually talking to someone else, like CS said, that is another story. Ask him how he would feel knowing you were talking to another man. Innocent flirting is o.k., but there seems that lines are being crossed here. It is good that after so many years, that the two of you are still so sexually active. But be sure that it hasn't just become a routine for you. Like mentioned above, find some excitement, challenge him a bit, have a "headache" once in a while, don't make it too easy for him. One thing that excites a lot of men is that challenge leading up to sex. This might explain his chatting. He is seeking to conquer, in his mind, something or someone, unfamiliar to him. Adding some mystery and spontanity, might help you out here. I understand that you feel a bit betrayed, like he was cheating, depending on how you define it. It could be that he has some fantasies that he is ashamed to share with you, as you may be a bit routine. Maybe think of a fantasy you have, and surprise him by expressing it to him. This might make him feel better about opening up more to you. Communication is important. I'm sure you are feeling a bit insecure, and wonder to what extreme he might actually take this, like if he will do this, would he actually cheat on you?? Don't lecture him or put him down about it, but rationally talk to him, and tell him that it upset you and exactly why it did. I'm sure that in your eleven years, the two of you have overcome many obstacles, so you might have to work on this is well. It is obvious that you love him very much. Work on it, and if it gets worse, than it might be a good idea to seek counseling together, to understand things more. Good luck.

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Posted by: JP | 2007/08/16

If he is into porn, chat sites etc, he is looking for some excitement. Like the butterflies you get when flirting. He needs to understand that you can give that to him... still! But I almost want to say that there is nothing you can do, hy moet sy stront laat staan, and love you for who you are. I know it sounds simpel, but date him again. Don't just have sex 4 times a week... Date him and if it leads to it, he better perform. Be more misterious about him, make him work for you! Rather have great sex once a week than only sex 4 times. MAke him remember that you are the mistery he is looking for, the beauty that he wants to save!

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