Posted by: Nadine | 2009/07/09

husband' s parents

Dear Cyber-shrink, I' m happily married (for 2 1/2 years) and we' re expecting our first child in December. My husband has elderly parents and he has expressed a wish that we start to look for a new house with a granny flat so that they can live with us when they can no longer manage on their own. I like his parents, but can' t imagine living closely with them. Also when baby arrives, I will have to return to work after maternity leave and I fear that I will not have the time or energy to look after elderly in-laws and still be a working mom. Both of my own parents have passed away, my father quite recently and I inherited his house - I had planned that when the house is sold I will pay off the bond on our existing house. Now that my husband wants his parents to live with us, I feel its unfair that I give my whole inheritance to provide a home for his parents. Am I being selfish ? how do I tell my husband how I feel without sounding nasty and horrible ? He' s (naturally) quite sensitive and very protective over his parents.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

How much do his parents actually need, at this stage ? You seem to be reacting on the assumption that they will need high levels of care and attention, rather than simply living nearby so that your husband will be accessible when there are crises or major problems. COuldn't they potentially help, with baby-sitting, etc. ? And would you have to give up your entire iheritance to provide a home for his parents ? Its not selfish to feel unwilling to do that. 007Boer's points are worth considering. Couldn't part of the proceeds of the sale of your inherited house be spent on building a granny flat where you are, in a way that would add to its value ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gracie | 2009/07/09

I would never consider having my in-laws living on my property as they are spiteful, interfering people who have no respect for anyone or their belongings, never mind the rules in my home! They are both nasty gossips who tell lies about their daughters-in-law (we cannot all be bad or wrong all the time!!) If they were better people and treated us all equally, I would not hestitate to let them live with us, but NO I would never do it, but if your in-laws are kindly towards you and do not cause upsets in your marriage, maybe consider it - just make sure that there are boundaries in place that everyone understands and respects. Not all in-laws are bad - some of them are real gems that make life very easy for a working mother! My ex mother-in-law was like that! I could ask her to do anything for me (even after my ex-husband and I were divorced) and she would never hesitate to help out where she could!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: hailey | 2009/07/09

If you have a good realtionship with them you can consider this. I had a bad relationship with my in-laws and would not look after them because of the lack of respect for me and my marriage BUT trust me if we had a good relationship then I would have been a bit worried but I would definetly weigh the option as Pam put it. Good luck!

Reply to hailey
Posted by: Pam | 2009/07/09

Hi Nadine! It is not always bad to have granny nearby. My inlaws also stay in a granny flat with us. In the beginning it was strange for me too, but after my baby was born and even now I don' t know what I would have done without them. When my little one is sick or if I want to go to the shops granny is always there and willing to babysit! It is a blessing to have a support system like that. The only problem is if they do not respect your privacy, but that should be communicated from the beginning.

We can go away on holiday ond for weekends without worries about the house , animals etc. In this day and age we have to stand together and help each other. Don' t thin of them as your inlaws, accept them as your family it would be great for your kids to have their grandparents close to them...

Reply to Pam
Posted by: 007Boer | 2009/07/09

Having the in-laws around is always a delicate issue. If you like them, it makes for a good start and just think of all the free baby-sitting they could do (if they are capable). Try a little role reversal and imagine what it would be like if your parents were still alive and his were dead. How would you react if your husband didn' t want them living in a [seperate] house on the same property as you? yes, there is a good chance of them mingling in your affairs, but this can be nipped in the bud if you handle the matter early on.

Reply to 007Boer

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