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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2007/06/19

Husband's Behaviour ???

A close friend of mine works with my husband .
Today being the second time my husband has decided to confide in her about our marriage .
on both occassion she told me about it , even though he asked her specifically not to tell me .

I am very confused , he is even telling her that I give the children age 6 & 3 too much attention compared to him , she told him that most mothers with young children do , but he seems to create this bleak impression about our marriage , asking her how would she feel if her husband cheated on her and stuff like that . Also he asked her about my dad , my parents are divorced for 26 years and I have had no contact with my dad , he knows this but now questions my friend about my relationship with him ?

I have not cheated on my husband and have no intention of doing so .
The good thing is that he is talking to my friend , and she is telling me but now I am wondering who else is he talking to ?

Advise Please

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Our expert says:
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He can't judge whether you give the children "too much" attention compared to him --- there are no absolute measures of such things --- but he is actually saying that it feels to him as though they are getting much more attention than him --- and that he feels he needs more attention. He's unlikely to be talking to anyone else. But why not approach him calmly, and say that you get the feeling he's not as happy in the marriage as he could be, and maybe you're not so happy either --- and ask him to join you in seeing a marriage counsellor together ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: confused | 2007/06/19

thanx so much for all the info . I had my friend ask him about their conversations , she asked him where all of this was going , that if he felt he had such real issues with his marriage then maybe she should have a word with me .
he answered by saying that it was not anything like that and that she should forget it, but not tell me because I would be upset. My friend says that he didn't seem to be hiding anything so maybe I should let it go this time . She also said that if he approached her again she was going to let him know that it is not right for him to be discussing this with anyone BUT me .

Reply to confused
Posted by: Spooky | 2007/06/19

Something's sucks but don't speculate.
Use your friend to get to the bottom of this and once the cat's out of the bag, ask her to convince him to play open cards and talk to YOU.

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: Chelle | 2007/06/19

Jay, I hear you too. And it does often that women do most of the compromising in relationships. But it's not always necessary to place blame. Rather look at things holistically, and then find ways that will make the situation better for everyone concerned.

I don't think we should make assumptions about her husband's motives in confiding in her friend. There just isn't enough information available. Rather look for a solution.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: jay | 2007/06/19

i hear what every one is saying here but i am so tired of the women getting blamed for everything - if it was not for women households would fall apart. do men think that running a household ensuring that everything gets done is easy do they think that then having to find the energy to tend to their every wim is easy - men need to take a good hard look at themselves and start giving instead of taking oh yes and then having an affair cos they were neglected - what about the women they just carry on and on and on and on - oh yes they cant have affairs because they are to busy running the household and ensuring the husband has clean clothes and a meal to eat. it makes me so mad.

Reply to jay
Posted by: go to hell J | 2007/06/19

J excuse me for saying this but your answer exceed the meaning stupid answer, getting even is never and has never been the solution to anything in life let alone in a marriage. it is very childish to oppose a change in behaviour no body is saying change yourself but if you have changed from yourself, should not you change back to the person that your husband married ....

Reply to go to hell J
Posted by: Chelle | 2007/06/19

Firstly, I suggest that you ask your friend to tell your husband not to discuss your marital problems with her. He should be talking to you firstly, and she should tell him this. Secondly, you're hearing information second hand, with her own spin on matters and things get twisted this way. (Even if she has the best intentions in the world, she could misinterpret something).

Speak to your husband and LISTEN to what he is telling you and see if you can work out something together. If you can't talk to him, or you find you can't get past this through talking, then seek help of a professional counsellor.

Many men do feel neglected when their wives spend most of their energy being a mother and don't have energy to be a lover and friend to their husband. This is something that isn't too difficult to solve, but it can't be done through third party communication, it must be done together.

Best wishes.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: J. | 2007/06/19

I don't get it - the husband is the one with the inappropriate behaviour and yet all three postings above tell the injured party that SHE has to change something. Uh-uh - no way.

The man is straying and he was fishing, luckily in waters where there were no barracuda. If anyone has to change, it is him. Why does the wife have to do anything except provide for the opportunity for him to see the error of his ways? In other words, she simply has to dleiver a swift and well-timed kick up the pants and tongue-lashing that will make him hang his head in shame.

Reply to J.
Posted by: Nia | 2007/06/19

Usually a cheating husband is not concerned with his wife's feelings about it at all but only interested in his own feelings.

It may therefore be a good sign that he is trying to find out how she would feel is she was cheated on - thereby trying to figure out how you would feel. Thus, your feelings are still important to him.

You are in a kind of good position in that you know that something is bothering him and you can start doing something about it, without it first becoming a huge issue.

However - something is wrong, and that is is why he discussed this with her. You have to do something. Start by changing your behavious towrads him positively, start talking to him about your marriage and keep an eye out for any signs that he is already cheating.

Reply to Nia
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2007/06/19

I have to say it is not a great sign when a man starts confiding in another woman about his marriage. There are conversations he shd be having with you and these are some of them.

How do you feel about some of these allegations he is making? Do you indeed spend most of your time with the kids and not much one-on-one time with him? It can be very easy to forget he is not just a father but is also still a husband, lover and partner. It sounds to me like he really misses this other dynamic.

I doubt he is talking to more people than your friend. Marital problems are not something you just go around randomly discussing. Maybe he has confided in your friend because he knows her so well but you shd also be careful, if he becomes too emotionally attached to her he risks becoming tempted, even if she does not try to tempt him at all. It is good she is honest enough to be telling you what he has been discussing with her but this will not stop him developing feelings for her is she continues to be his number one confidante. Then again it could well be he is hoping she DOES bring up these things with you – it is his indirect way of bringing your attention to the problems at hand.

Maybe sit down with him and tell him you’re not angry he spoke to her, but that you would like the two of you to discuss the issues at hand. You will only drive him further away if you chastise him for opening up to someone else. He has not cheated on you - don’t treat him like he has. Just tell him you have become aware there is a need for open and honest discussion and you are willing to sit down and talk to him about all the things he has raised.

Your friend can perhaps start off by telling him she is going to tell you about the talks (even though she has in fact already told you.) Then he can brace himself to answer your qs. It’s up to you how you want to tackle it, this is just a suggestion.

As for bringing up yr dad it sounds like he is trying to figure out why you are distant, are you perhaps going thru something privately without telling him? He is trying to figure out why there seems to be a change in you

The important thing is that now you are aware all is not well and you can begin the process of fixing things, with a counsellor if need be. There is an obvious need to talk and a counsellor may best be able to facilitate this. It doesn’t sound like too much damage has been done to your marriage, there’s just a need to strengthen the communication cords. You also need to spend some on-on-one time together, not to do with the problems as such but just enjoying each other as man and wife. See if you can get a babysitter for the weekend and go away somewhere.


Good luck

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: Whooz | 2007/06/19

Oooopsssie... you think it's good when you're husband talks to YOUR friend? No go.

"but he seems to create this bleak impression about our marriage , asking her how would she feel if her husband cheated on her and stuff like that "

The above tells me that your husband is looking for sympathy and the moment "your friend" allows him to, they WILL jump in the sack together. Common senario. This is VERY VERY dangerous.

If I was in your shoes I'll give my husband LOTS of sex and good food, and try to not see the friend so much until your relationship with your husband is stable and fulfilled. If not the shit will hit the fan. I shit you not!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Whooz

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