Posted by: DM | 2004/10/27

Husband wants me to accept his child

My husband and I are married for 4 years, have 10 year old boy and 4 months old daughter. We are happily married despite our ups and downs. We are both working.

Before we get married, my husband was seeing another lady with whom he had a child with.(She knew that my hubby and I were inlove.) He told me after a year. I was very dissapointed and almost wanted to end our relationship. He said it was a mistake and asked for forgiveness. He continued to see the lady behind my back until her child was 3 years, and they broke up. ( the child is 7yrs now) I never met this lady and her child but I once spoke to her on my husband's cellphone and she was rude, and I hate her for that. I confronted my husband about this and he said to me that their relationship is over, she's just nagging him. I told him that I hate her. After that day we never spoke about her and the child and I know that my husband was sneeking around to see the child.

Two weeks ago my husband asked me if his other child is welcome to our family or not. I didn't know what to say, I became furious and said a BIG NO, he's not welcomed to our family.

But, last night I asked myself lots of questions, I DECIDED to accept him as part of our family, but not to stay with us but to visit. I'm too nervous to tell my hubby about this because he might be too excited and do more than expected. And another thing I don't know if the mother will accept it as she hates me as well.

To make my story short, Can I tell my hubby about my feelings or to leave it as it is. I know that I don't love this child but I would love to learn.

Please help

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Our expert says:
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SOunds like you may have made a sensible, and gracious and kindly decision, and it's fair, so long as the other child has its mother to live with, not to accept that child to live in your family, but to accept him as part of your family, and not to have bad feelings about an inocent child. It's fair to hesitate about accepting the mother who has been hostile towards you.
What's not clear in your nessage, is what actually your husband wants, whether a change in your attitude to the child, whether visits from the child, or what. Maybe you need to talk with him and get a clearer idea of what he is thinking about, and also make clear what your feelings are ( and why ); before making and announcing a decision on your side. And read carefully the excellent responses from others, including Lucia

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chick | 2004/10/27

Lucia - EXCELLENT RESPONSE!!! couldnt have said it better myself!!

Reply to Chick
Posted by: Inc | 2004/10/27

If the mother wants your hubby to be a part of the child's life, then she must accept that you and your kids are a part of that too... you are all a package... don't let her intefere in your life... she has no rights making demands on him... why doesn't he pay a set maintenance every month? Wouldn't that solve the problem? Isn't she just looking for some contribution from your hubby? Speak to your husband about this.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/10/27

Hi dear DM

Sorry for sounding a little peed off, but I cannot help to become so freaking upset when I hear about freaking grown ups who uses a freaking child as a freaking bargaining tool.

These are the facts:

You are three grown ups - discuss the matter as three grown ups would and enough of the bickering. What happended, happened and nobody can change that.

This child did not ask to be born - the three of you are now placing him in a situation where he/she sooner or later will discover that there is a fair amount of animosity surrounding his/her existance. Is this fair unto an innocent child ? Just try for one moment to place yourself in that childs shoes.

You husband, whether he would like to or not, is responsible to help support that child - he does not sound like much of a man, but at least he is trying to be a better father and neither you nor the mother of this child have absolutely any right to stand in his way.

Your husband made a big boo boo way back then - don't let an innocent child pay for his mistakes. Crap all over him as much as you want, but never, ever make the child feel as if this is his/her fault because it aint !

You and the ex girlfirend can hate each other as much as you like, this will change absolutely nothing and defenitely not the fact that your huband has a legal responibility to help financially, physically and emotionally to raise that child.

You have two children of your own, imagine if you were in the position where you sat without a husband and the father of your kids would not support them and only sneak in a visit every now and then. As a mother, I know for a fact that somewhere you must have some compassion towards this child - show all of them that you can and will be the grown up in this whole mess and treat that child like one of your own.

Reply to Lucia
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/10/27

hi there

i can understand where you coming from but you are really moving forward with leaps and bounds - in the right direction

your hubby is a pretty decent man,even if he did make a mistake a long time ago - he took responsibility for his action and wants to do the decent thing - i think it would be worth it to make an effort to accomodate him as far as possible

yes, dealing with a complete stranger in your home will be rather difficult - even if only on weekends, but it can be resolved if all parties are open and honest about it

your hubby obviously love and respect you a lot yet he want to do the right thing by being part of his childs life, speak to him and give him your support

you sound as if you also are a very decent lady who is trying to do the right thing - it hard but you will reap the benefits in the long run,

maybe the other lady is also n decent woman who only wants the best for her child and has pretty much kept her distance and respected your marraige

why don't you be the better one and act with wisdom and maturity by inviting them both over to your home and have a get together - intruduce them to other memebrs of your family and explain with as little detail as possible that they are also part of your family and family stick together

speak to this lady and your hubby and share with them your fears and feelings - i'm sure both of them have pretty much the same fears as you - be honest and open to each other and then make some plans for the future - set the boundaries so everyone knows what is expected of them
eg. if it was me i would prefer to be contacted re visiting arangement so i can plan accordingly and i would not wonder about her and my hubby getting to close... just my opion

this situation is not going to change or go away but you can turn it around by making this lady a friend instead of an ememy
it will take a lot from you but you will have your hubby's respect her admiration and there will be unity in your family
only you can make that come about - you have the power ,use it wisely

it hard at times to love our own kids so much so if it's someone elses kid, but reach out to this child and try to at least be fair at all times and try and spend only 5 min with him alone - you can't love someone you don't know and you can't know him if you don't get to know his heart

you have a great task in front of you but i believe you will not be given something to big to handle


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Bull | 2004/10/27

I think before you invite the child into your home, you must put down some rules.

This mother can not decide that she only wants the father in her child's life. Your husband, you and your children are one and if she can't accept that, then you can't accept the child.

I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you because this child is a constant reminder of your husband's affair but if you do decide to let him visit you every 2nd week-end then at least you know that your husband would not sneak behind your back to see this child. You must also make it clear to your husband that you don't want him to sneak behind your back anymore. Everything is out in the open, the child is welcome in your house so everyting related to the child, you want to know about.

Don't let him or this other woman push you around. Good luck.

Reply to Bull
Posted by: Alley | 2004/10/27

SHE knew that you two were in love at the time? What about him? Didn't HE know that you two were in love then?

Reply to Alley
Posted by: DM | 2004/10/27

To Inc

Yes, he did give me the reason, he said the lady want him to support the child, because he's not doing it. I think he is scared of me. Sometimes he does buy clothes for this child without my knowledge.

For the mother, she only wants the father to be part of the child, not me and my children.

Reply to DM
Posted by: Inc | 2004/10/27

Why now? What has changed? Did he give you reasons for this now... after 7 years?

It is difficult to accept another child... especially if the child is the result of your hubby's cheating. However, the child is innocent in all this and doesn't know how you feel. Does the other woman want you to be a part of this child's life?

I think that a solid marriage should consist of honest communication. You should be able to talk to your hubby about your feelings.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/10/27

I think allowing his son into your family is the best thing you can do - for yourself and your relationship. This boy did nothing wrong and deserves to be a bigger part of his dad's life.
You don't need to like the boy's mother, but be civil to her if you see her - greet her and perhaps a smile. It could set the tone for much happiness on your husband's side. The reward for you is another child who will be thankful (perhaps only in time), and a husband who knows that you care about his well being. I realise that he cheated on you, but if you have forgiven him, then I believe the forgiveness must include dealing with the result of his actions . i.e. his son (who is the innocent party in all of this).

Reply to Chelle

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