Posted by: Mapstix | 2008/09/12

Husband travels a lot-am I unreasonable

Morning Cyber Doc, I know I have discussed this on the forum before, but I really need your advice and feelings.

As I said my husband travels a lot!! He is in the elite liquor business and has unbelievable opportunities of seeing the world, meeting celebrities, mingling with your attractive girls, living the high live ... and I am at home with our daughter. Thus far this year he has been to France, Turkey and Namibia - and all over SA - 44 days in total this year. His busy season starts now where he will be away almost every week and only be at home during weekends. I am not happy or coping with the situation.

We are seeing a marriage councillor and she feels that because of stuff that happened when I was a child I have issues with being alone and that is way we are fighting so much about this. I know it has an influence, but would like to know what your feelings would be if your were in my situation? Am I crazy , am I over reacting to want my husband to be at home with his family and not be travelling and living a second life on his own??

We'  ve been together for almost 14 years of which we are married 3 and a half. When we were 19 - 26 years old - he was a provincial rugby player and we fought so much then because he was also away so much. Then he stopped with rugby and started at his present firm as a whiskey ambassodor - which meant not so much traveling, but now he is marketing manager for SA (for the past 4 years) and it is not going to get any better in die future because that is precisely what his boss expect from him - going to their head office in France - traveling to Mexico, London , Ireland etc ... and covering SA as well. It is really very difficult for me and I am not coping.

In three years he has never even been in SA on my B'  day because that is normally when his trip to Ireland or scotland is ... I just feel so left out and I missing out on so much because all responsibilty is on me.

Please tell me how you would feel - if you agree of disagree?


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course you're not crazy, but if as a result of childhood experiences you are unduly sensitive to being left alone ( the amount of time he is away doesn't sound HIGHLY excessive ) and worried that he won't be able to resist the temptations of exotic places, this may cause probl;ems that are not otherwise inescapable. From the sound of it he ought to be more sensitive to your needs. If he absolutely HAS to be away at times like your birthday, he could still make it up to you imaginatively when he IS here. Continue to work on these issues with the marriage counsellor, and with your husband when available. You can work on your own issues, including self-esteem and self-confidence with the counsellor when he is not around, and on the relationship issues when he is around

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Our users say:
Posted by: advice | 2008/09/12

Mapstix, you sound very frustrated, hurt and angry feeling that this job of your husband is not only selfish but unfair to you.

Part of marriage is being apart and also developing your own life. You don' t have to be joined to your husband at the hip all the time. Quality time together is far better than quantity time of no value and quality.

Sounds like you are feeling very insecure and vulnerable, also a little trust issues there, thinking of him meeting all these various people etc. from the words you used.

Its a good idea for you to have counselling because you have an issue about him being away and his job.

Work through how you can adapt and cope with the fact and reality of your husband' s job. He obviously enjoys it as he wouldn' t be doing it if he wasn' t.

I tend to agree with the other poster that trying to be more supportive and understanding towards him, would be a better strategy than being the over needy whinging whining wife.

Once you have worke on all your issues and started to do things have your own interests, you will feel more comfortable in your own skin an actually even begin to enjoy your freedom and independence.

Remember you are also a person, you need to build on that. Your husband can' t be half of who you are.

You can' t rely on him to be there for you and not have a life of his own.

After all he is bringing in the money and you are enjoying it.

Its just a matter of change of attitude and perspective.

First on your list should be gym, a stress reliever or join run/walk for life. Next think of hobbies you would like to pursue and begin with one. The fuller your own life, the better off you will be.

Rely on family and friends as a support mechanism if you need it when he is not around.

Your husband will love and respect you more once you learn how to stand on your own two feet. Nothing more of a turn off for a man than an overly needy clingy woman.

Reply to advice
Posted by: Mapstix | 2008/09/12

Hi Understanding, Thanks ... I wish I could be as understanding as you are ... I know I should support him ... I just struggle with not having him around ... I never grew up with a dad not being at home and this is really new for me - especially with our daughter here now who needs his attention.

I will try and be more understanding.


Reply to Mapstix
Posted by: Understanding | 2008/09/12

Hi Mapstix,

I am in exactly the same situation. My hubby has his own business in IT and software and he is also only here on weekends. We have 2 kids ages 9 and 5. They are still so young and he is missing out on so much. I feel most of the time as being the father and mother and all the responsibilities of running the household and all the functions and activities at school are on me all the time.

But I have made peace with that because I know it is his job and there is a very fine line between having to provide for your family and spending enough time at home. I know he has to work to provide for all the financial demands life has on out family. Luckily I also have the support of my family and sometimes that helps alot.

I am sure if your hubby could he would rather stay home because my hubby gets physically sick on sundays knowing he has to leave again on Monday. The only thing you can do is stay strong and give him your support because your hubby has to work to support and he needs your support.

We have been married for 10 years and the children misses him so much but they to understand that he has to work. Make sure that you guys spend alot of quality time together the times that he is at home.

As for all the responsibilities we as women are so strong an inner strength that God has given us and God will never put something on your path that you can not handle.....give it time and take everyday as it comes. I know it is difficult but it is so much better than arguing about it and messing up the time that you do have together.

You must also get yourself something to do a hobby or something and make time for yourself just to unwind and to put everything in perspective. And dont feel guilty about it if you do find something else other than your 24hour attention to your children.

Good Luck

Reply to Understanding
Posted by: Mapstix | 2008/09/12

Hi Cyberdoc - thanks for listening ...

He was away 44 days this year so far - but will be away the coming 4 months - most of each week only being at home weekends - I feel that is excessive?

Reply to Mapstix

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