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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2004/01/16

Husband slept with prostitute

I recently found out that my husband slept with a prostitute. He told me about this because she was blackmailing him for money and he had no other choice that to tell me befor SHE did.
I was devastated an very confused, but immediately went for tests for HIV and STD's which luckily all turned out negative (except for the HIV which I will only know for SURE in 3 months time). Because I was confused and hurt I needed time alone and asked him to give me some thinking space for a while. He left the house.
He was gone for 3 weeks but then came back, apologised and begged me to give our mariage another chance.
I allowed him to move back in. I gathered all my strength and forgave him for everything (though it still hurts like hell).
Our lifes were back to 'normal' BUT...
A woman keeps on calling him. I asked him about this and he said it's a friend of his parents and that he know that she likes him but that he doesnt encourage her to phone him and that there is nothing between them. He met her when he visited his parents while we were seperated. He promised that he would tell her to stop calling him.
This morning however I found 2 love letters from her to him in his briefcase, thanking him for caring and being so nice to her and telling him how much she loves him.....
Now, I am totally confused again and all the doubts and hurt are back.
Please help me... I dont know how to respond to this ?

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Our expert says:
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Conf, I disagree with Spooky on this one, unusually, because I think his response concentrates too much on what you ought to do "if you love him" and seems to ignore what he would have done, and what he still would do, if he loved you. Which is actually the point in question. This oher woman isn't an innocent dogooder --- I really doubt she's from the Salvation Army--- and the moment she even suggested she "loved" him, he should have told you about the problem and run a mile from her, after telling her to never contact him again.
If you want the mariage to be able to continue, and if he does, marriage counselling might manage to salvage things if he's prepared to start being honest and mend his ways ; otherwise think seriously about alternatives. So far he's showing a stubborn inability to learn from his mistakes.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Soul | 2004/01/16

I was quite interested in the way spooky saw this situation, you speak of forgiveness and understanding. This man never did come clean guts and courage have absolutely nothing to do with it.
He was being blackmailed and didn't have the money to pay that's why he told his wife and he didn't do it because he felt guilty he did it because he messed around with the wrong chick, and as for the second time round he never came clean his wife found the love letters.So where guts and courage fits into this whole story is beyond me. He was man enough to mess around, but too much of a chicken to come clean. Lets face it he didn't do it out of the goodness of his heart cause his heart is clearly not with his wife. Tha't no man that one big mouse and a coward.

To confused
You deserve so much more than what you have. Sweetie once a stray always a stray, are you prepared to live with that all your life knowing that you've been with him and heaven onlh knows who else. Life is short enough and you don't need him making it any shorter by getting something from some other tart his been with cause you'll be the one suffering the consequences in the long run and it may cost you your life.... make sure his worth that much to you.... I wonder is he I surely don't think so.

Be strong and make the right choice
All the best
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Scorpio | 2004/01/16

If I were you, I'd phone this other woman and get the information from her.....

Reply to Scorpio
Posted by: . | 2004/01/16

The best proof of love is trust, you cannot trust him anymore.
He doesnt know the meaning of the words trust OR love. get rid of him!

Reply to .
Posted by: jewl | 2004/01/16

girl, he should know that right now ur trust in him is non-existant, so to continue in this way shows his lack of love and respect for you. i dont believe in divorce or id tell u to get rid of him like yesterdays trash, so what ill say is this: show him u r strong and refuse to be treated like an outsider!!! tell him to either start being straight with u or ull prove ur self worth and leave<forget the philosophy on divorce> he cheated on u so that nullifies the marriage.

Reply to jewl
Posted by: J | 2004/01/16

Spooky...

I dont get the whole "give him credit" and "that must've taken guts" attitude. Betrayal is betrayal - wether he paid for it or not.

And another point - you say "if you love him you'll stand by him" ... well - if he loved her he wouldve kept his pants zipped.

Reply to J
Posted by: Confused | 2004/01/16

Thanks to all for your responces and to Spooky... Do you think my heart is made of stone ? I'm the one hurting and he's the one who had all the fun. If I help him, who will help me get over this and ease the pain ?

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/16

There is no quickfix solution here. Make allowance for a little time to pull himself out of this mess. If you love him, stand by him and help him. How else was he supposed to deal with the blackmailer? Shoot her? He only used her. He never wanted to desert you. He loves you, not her. He may just as well have masturbated. He confided in you. That must have taken guts. Instead of giving him credit for his courage, he was booted out. That rendered him vulnerable to accept comfort and compassion from wherever else it may have been offered. That’s human. But he is back at home again. Now the person, from whom he accepted understanding, lingers on a bit. That's human too. Must he shoot her? Should he be rude to her now? He has explained the situation to you. Again he exibits honesty and courage. He is presently at an all time low. Why aggravate the situation. Why not help him to shake off this person in a tactful and amicable manner.
Why instigate a spiraling chain reaction and snowball deeper into doom & gloom. The responses you have received thus far are typically what one could expect from females. Hell hath no fury as a women scorned – yes? Com’on ladies. Give the guy a break, ok. Don't make a mountain out of a mole heap.
(oh boy, have I got it com'n . . .)
Better to help patch things up, I reckon. Ever heard of forgiveness, understanding and reconciliation?
What says all the 'lads' out there, then?
Spooky says, “Save the marriage!”

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: Suzette | 2004/01/16

Jaag hom weg pop

Reply to Suzette
Posted by: J | 2004/01/16

If yuo think you can live with a man who thinks so little of your love then thats your decision to make. If it were me he'd be out of my life so fast his head would still be spinning when he hit the ground.

Reply to J
Posted by: Jasmine | 2004/01/16

He did not think twice before exposing you to the risk of STD or HIV.
That says alot. Love does not work this way.
Forgive him but you don't have to take him back.

Reply to Jasmine
Posted by: Brownsuga | 2004/01/16

Girlfriend, if I were you, I would kick his lying, cheating aas to the curb faster than he can blink. Firstly he exposed you to sexually transmitted diseases without thinking twice. The only reason he confessed was because he was getting blackmailed. And if he realy was sorry, then he would have spent his time thinking about it while you were seperated, instead of getting cosy with his mothers friend who sends him love letters because he is such a good friend to her. Ignorance is not always bliss. There is nothing confusing about this situation. Kick him out and move on. You deserve a hell of a lot more than to have to live with these insecurities caused by what he has done and what he clearly will continue to do.

Reply to Brownsuga
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/16

hi girl

what do you want us to tell you?
that he love and respects you?
that he made a once off mistake?

be wise

nina

Reply to lady nina

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