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Question
Posted by: Desparately Lonely Woman | 2004/10/18

Husband refuses to spend time or money at home

Hi,my dillema is that my husband would prefer spending time with his friends than with his family.
He thinks because I earn a good salary & have a car that I can & should be taking our kids out, buying groceries etc. When his mom needs anything though he is always ready to give to her. I feel frustrated because when I try to talk to him that he should be putting his family's needs first, he always is on the defensive, saying how ungrateful I am, & that I must understand that he has to support his "family".
Why should my kids suffer just because their dad does'nt want to spend time or money on them. I want to leave him, because this has been going on for years now.
Please suggest ways of how to handle this.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why does he think he is maried ? ( to a wife, I mean, not to his mother ). Would he me amenable, even if he thought it was to focus on your problems and not his, to joining you in marriage counselling ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: San | 2004/10/19

And I thought I was the only one living like this. When I read DLW, CK's and MeToo's stories, it was like a movie flashing before my eyes. We are all living in this sick cycle of mental abuse and cannot get out of it. What is keeping us there? Luckily I don't have children, so I can't even say kids are keeping me in my relationship. I often wish that he would just get on with it and have an affair, at least I have a reason to get out. I just want to get up one day and it must all be better. I often question God's reason for me being in this relationship, why can't I have a life that makes me a happy human being?

Reply to San
Posted by: MeToo | 2004/10/19

We both earn well and my husband is a great father. What gets to me is the fact that he always tells me to do things. Says he wants to teach me to be independent. But I have to make difficult telephone calls, I have to sort out insurance claims etc. (things I know nothing about) and when I make a mistake, he gets angry and picks a fight. I drive the kids around. I cook every day. I buy the groceries. I buy the medicine. I pay the houseworker (and when she doesn't do something he wanted - without telling her - it is all my fault because I cannot manage her). He sends me to do the shopping (for swimming pool stuff and the like - things that is not important to me at all) and when I get it wrong, we fight and I am incredibly useless. I have to do everything,while he works from home, hardly seeing any clients - just sits there with his computer, and expects me to run everything!!

I am so sick and tired of being responsible for all of the things around the house. he feels cos he pays the house, garden boy, electricity and insurance it earns him the right to not have to drive around and do the schlepp work. I feel like a personal assistant. and when I don't do something simply because I do not have enough money he tells me I am not listening to him and I am ignoring him and that I am useless, cosI dont remember things.

It sometimes feel like I am stuck with a sulky 2 year old son. And I love him a lot. We have great sex, wonderful kids and generally a good time. I just get so stressed and rebellious when he orders me around. I ask him things and then he insists that he had told me this before, when I know for a fact he didn't. He then gets angry out of his skull and tells me I not listening!!!! I am beginning to think he has some disorder or something. I am experiencing difficulty in handling this situation.

I recently told him I am willing to divorce him if he feels he can be happier without me complicating his life and frustrating him so much. He was shocked at that and said I make him happy. But I doubt it. How can he be happy when he is always dissatisfied? He is also very bombastic most of the time - he has lost his laugh, and maybe I am responsible for that - I cannot bear that, but it may be true. Now I have to live with a bombastic man who seldom smiles (unless he is playing with our kids) and who is forever showing me where I am making mistakes. It is like constantly being under review. Too much, too much.

Reply to MeToo
Posted by: CK | 2004/10/18

You have the kind of husband I have, selfish and manipulative and only thinks of himslef only. I am actually on a process of going to marriage counselling as soon as I find an urgent available appointment. He spends his money on useless things like you DVDs we have 3 TV sets in a flat (how sick is that) we have 2 DVD player and he owns a playstation 2 game and about 10 games which 1 goes for about R500 and he doesnt see anyhting wrong with that. He woudl rather buy a game or a dvd instead of gorceries that he eats.

He spends money at work while I take a lunch bag to work, he is too proud to take a lunch box.

And the most frustrating thing is that he doesnt understand why I feel so strongly about this. And by the way we have 2 children 6 years and 10 month and he still takes formula a nd wears nappies, I can afford to pay everything because I alway earned more that he did, but I am also sicka nd tired of that I know just exactrly how you feel believe me.

Reply to CK
Posted by: TW | 2004/10/18

You need to have a seroius chat to him asap!!!

My friend has just been there and is in the process of dirvorce as her husband also went with the guys all the time went out late and neglected his role as a husband. To cut the story short he ended up having an affair as all his frieds are single guys and he now enjoys that way of life.

Dotn let it happend to you too... let him know how much you love him and that you guys are heading into big trouble!!! Dont come across as a naggy wife but one that loves him and wants to have an awesome future with him. Suggest a family holiday (weekend away) to get a close bondness again!!!


Reply to TW
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/18

Hi DLW,

I think your husband may need to be reminded of his responsibilities as a husband & father. Sometimes it does help to seek a third person's opinion on this matter, & by this I mean marriage counselling.
Don't despair DLW, sometimes, because we're allowed to, we take advantage of situations. When we are reminded of what the circumstances actually are, then we tend to appreciate what we have. Every now & then we need these reminders to make us recognise who/what we are.

I hope things work out for you. Although it is frustrating, please practise being assertive, as opposed to being accusing or condescending, as these make a big difference to the way you communicate to him, & the way he listens to what you have to say...

Good luck DLW,
Cheers,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Art | 2004/10/18

DLW, seems you are in a one way street and you are on your own, according to what you say you are married in name only and when he needs his ego sorted out he is a selfish person and does not deserve you or his kids give him an ultimatum he is part of your life or he is history, as you said you provide for you and the kids why need him considering he offers no value to you or the kids I would dump him there is more to life than the existence he offers

Reply to Art

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