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Question
Posted by: Emelia | 2007/06/23

husband in the act

Subject: husband in the act
Posted by: emelia
Message:
I cought my hubby red handed with my friend tonght. He had his hand in her pantie and was feeling her up. I have no doubt that it could have been by her instigation. My husband was my first and has alwas been my only sexual partner ever. I am profoundly diapointed that after 16 years of marriage this had to happen to us. I have always had a very clear values as far as infedelity is conserned and feel that once trust is broken I can not trust again.
We have a daughter of 13 an two boys of 9 and 10 respectively. How do i explaine what has happened to them? I will NEVER again be able to trust this man again. And needless to say there is nothing left of my self esteem. I am a not unatractive woman of 33 and has had offers bevore but always was true to my husband and he always knew about ither men's advances.The friend that he chose to fool around with was slim and everything i am not phisicaly, he always knew that i had an issue with my weight i am not obese but not thin like this lady. I feel bitterly betrayed and when confrunted he told me she put his hand there but what upsetted me more is the fact that he did nit put her in her place there and then, I was faced with much the same situation and told the man where to go and went straight to my hubbie after the incedent and giving him something to think about and telling his wife about his crude advances. What am i to do? he says that he and she had to much to drink utherwise it never would have happened at alll. I FEEL LIKE HITTING HIM WITH THE SAME STICK BUT JUST HARDER. He now is thretening suicide and i am stuck babysitting him scared that my children will be left without a dad. Is it not unfair on his part to on top of all this let me worry about his livelyhood and make me responcible for his actions???? What am i to do??? I had a dad that was unfaithfull and i swore that that cup will never pass my childrens lips ever. My parents was at each others throughts all th time and we wished that they would just get a devorce and get it over with it was hell to live with tem.
Date: 23/6/2007

Subject: RE: husband in the act
Posted by: James
Message:

Emelia,

Maybe he is sexually frustrated, what is your sex life like. 16 years together is a long time, but i agree, what he did is wrong.

There are so many other ways of spicing things up and using fantasy, like blue movies and dirty talk.

I would say let things be but be more openminded to any advances in the future, he cant have his cake and eat it ?i
Date: 23/6/2007

Subject: RE: husband in the act
Posted by: Emelia
Message:
Dear James

There is absolutly nothing for him 2 be frustrated about as far as our sex life goes. I until last night thaught that i formed part of a loving manogamas relationship and as such did not see myself as his slut or him mine. No James instead i thaught that everything within our relationship was resipricative and done out of love for eachother. He NEVER lacked spice as you put it and in a loving way we made wild passionate LOVE for 16 years. I think however you missed the concept completely as far a normal behaviour goes when it comes to a womans phsycie and a connection we make with you men.
We first connect on a spirual level and only after we ( I ) trust him with my heart i can trust him with my soul and the most intamate part of myself.You men in turn are visualy stimulated and lust first then love later so your mistake is understandable. I unfortunatly am a very jelous lover and expect exclusivity from my man as that is exactly what he will be getting from me. You see James my husband was my only and my all. I would like to think when you think of your lady that you would like her to think about you in this way. James I dont need to excite myself by looking at other people making love as my husband does more than that for me and i know that when we get into bed we are alone laying bare our most vunrable self. I would hate to think that when he makes love to me he is thinking on another becouse James then i become his trashcan in wich he relieves himself. I am no trashcan. I dont wear a size 8 pants but most sertainly am a very desirable woman and i have been told as much by a good couple of men. But never did i even think of or alow someone near to me in this manner it was only ment for one. Next time when you write a message like this concidder you are dealing with more than common lust and that the person on the otherside might have a broken heart and doesnt need to hear that i need to be less friged and start -|- ing like a slut to be valued by my HUSBAND. I pitty you if this is your normality.
Date: 23/6/2007

Subject: RE: husband in the act
Posted by: Mike
Message:
Ish Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young
Date: 23/6/2007

Subject: RE: husband in the act
Posted by: Maria
Message:
Emelia, I suggest you post your story to the CyberShrink forum as well.
The best thing you and your husband can do at this stage is go for some marital therapy. In fact if he is threatening suicide I think it is very important for him to be seen by a psychologist straight away. Ask your gp for help if you don't know where to find a good psychologist. One who specialises in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) would be best.
I think your husband is behaving in a very immature matter and that you deserve more after 16 years of marriage, but for all your sakes please try and save your marriage.
Good luck.
Date: 23/6/2007

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Marriage counsellign would surely be a good idea, and it might enable him to recognize that what he did was wrong, and to then threaten suicide only increases the burden you are having to carry, and continues to display selfishness and to be manipulative. If he insists that the other woman is entirely responsible, and feels wrongly accused, he is probably inaccurate --- but should then welcome the idea of marriage counselling as a forum within which he might think he can justify himself and help you to understand him --- but it can of course also be a forum within which he will have to recognize the ramifications of what he did, and understand your very realistic and sicnere point of view. FAMSA, which should be listed in your phone book, can help you find a marriage counsellor. GOod luck

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Our users say:
Posted by: danile | 2007/06/25

No, I also believe you should seperate. I'm sorry for you because now he is trying the whole suicide thing to make you soft. Can you honestly be certain that he has not done this before? And now that he has had a taste, what will prevent him from seeking it aggain later?

Reply to danile
Posted by: Orie | 2007/06/25

There is no excuse of how drunk he was and also the fact that she made him to do. He could have stopped her if he did not want to be part of that act . I also dont like the suicide thought, he did you wrong and now yo must nurse him ! U've been together for 16 years , you cant just give up because of one incident, I;m sure you've had good years before. Perhaps try and find out if it was indeed the first time , this happened. Could they have been sexualpartners all along and you just happened to catch them in the act on that fateful day? If that;s the case , I dont have sympathy for him.

Reply to Orie
Posted by: De Bruyn | 2007/06/24

Hi Emelda

I think divorce is a drastic step and as others have said, try marriage counselling first.

Has he, other than this, been a good husband and father? Has he ever shown any tendency to get up to this sort of behaviour? If not, maybe he is telling the truth that the woman put him up to it. I would imagine most men, if under the influence of alcohol, would behave the same if dared by the woman involved. I would imagine that she is no longer a friend of yours!!

I presume this woman he felt up is married as well; if so, have you told her husband about it?

On the other hand, if they both had too much to drink, then maybe it hasn't happened before. Make him go on the wagon and swear never to have any alcohol again. (This'll save big bucks, if nothing else.)

Do, I beg you, think very carefully about a divorce. If you don't do this, then you also have to decide how to behave towards him in front of the kids. They are not stupid and will know if all is not well between their parents.

Good Luck and I hope you will feel better soon

Regards

Reply to De Bruyn
Posted by: Lady Jane | 2007/06/24

Its time to get divorced. You cannot stay with a man jsut because you have kids because the arguments it is going to cause is not good for the kids!! I dont like his manipulative suicide talk. He is just brain washing you. Tell him you want him to move out. He has broken the trust and now there is no marriage.

Reply to Lady Jane

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